Before My Last Breath

Bloom Where You Are Planted

2011-05-05T08:51:00.000-04:00

As some of you may know, I just returned from six days in Arizona and Utah. It was a most needed mental health holiday or “Mancation” as I called it. Just two good friends, two high powered motorcycles, and miles and miles of wide open roads and endless brilliant blue sky.

It was of course, an amazing Trip.

The other thing some of you also may know about me is that I occasionally dream of living out West again. It has this tractor beam pull on my soul and in a low but constant whisper continually calls to me…come back, come back my son. There will always be piece of my spirit that is part wild mustang yearning for that unencumbered spacious and open land; the constant horizon of mountains in the distance, little white puffy clouds, and piercing blue sky like a grandmothers loving eyes filled with wisdom and compassion.

Yet here I am living about as east as one possibly could without stepping into the Atlantic Ocean. Go figure.

But something shifted inside me on this trip. No doubt the land of the southwest pulled me close like a lover. And I was filled with that deep appreciation of her beauty. Yet this time I could experience that beauty without wanting to live in it all the time. The West is undergoing a deep transformation on the human scale. Of course the landscape has seen the man made drama played out over time and has remained stoic for millennium. Yet it was this human drama that I kept hearing about. The stories of economic doom, of loss, of hardship. Those stories seemed a constant thread woven throughout this recent western trip of mine.

Gradually my journey became not so much a scouting party for a possible relocation, but one about a deep appreciation for where I live and where I am in my life right now.

A sense of gratitude for where I am internally right now as well as where I physically live – right here where I have put down roots – this small New England coastal town.

The further and faster I went into the Heart of the West, the closer I came to that feeling of Gratitude for the place I call home. It is a good and special place. All the stress and frustration that was dogging me most of the winter dissolved. All the wondering about living here or not living here vanished into the azure sky.

Part of me couldn’t wait to get home.

I ran into a friend the day after my return and we were talking about my trip and I was sharing with him some of my realizations. He said that he struggled with some of the same issues of living in this community where everyone knows each other while living so tightly packed together. Then he shared how he recently found a fortune cookie fortune tucked into the headliner of an old Toyota pick up a mutual friend of ours had sold him 10 years ago.

It said: bloom where you are planted.

Bloom where you are planted. That phrase made a lot of sense to me.

I feel like I am planted here now.

I feel like it’s time to bloom here now.

Driving home from the airport upon my arrival back in Boston, I noticed all the trees had brilliant green new leaves. All the shrubs were flowering white and yellow and pink. Red and yellow tulips were coloring the gardens in front of the homes I passed.

I came home to my garden. Ready to bloom once again.

xoxo,
J

Two Weeks and Counting

2011-04-14T22:50:00.001-04:00

Someone recently asked me what book I would write if I only had two weeks to live.

That question caught me slightly off balance. What story would I tell about my life? What wisdom would I share from my time here on planet earth? Would there be a compelling urgency to my last words? Or would I go all nostalgic and reminisce about the past?

So many good questions to answer, no?

That first question though brought me immediately to the present moment. What would I write, right now? How would I live the final 14 days of my existence?

And I found myself wanting to rush headlong to that final moment as I have rushed throughout my life into situations and experiences often more battering ram then well thought out steps. Often instantly jumping then looking later. No doubt a strategy to living a life but maybe one not conducive to self preservation.

Though, look. Here I am writing about it so something must be working out.

Two weeks and counting. Maybe it won't be me who dies, but something that has served it's purpose. A part of me that is no longer necessary, no longer serves the greater good, and in dying reveals the higher consciousness me that like an apparition has come and gone hardly seen throughout my life. Maybe now the veil of silliness and ignorance and fear and stress and drama and frustration will drop.

For good. No more bullshit. No more excuses. The hidden Light shines for once and for all.

Two weeks. Then the transition occurs between life and LIFE. The journey from birth to re-birth. No death whatsoever. Just another...

...trip West toward the place of the setting Sun.

Godspeed.

Being Bodhi

2011-02-07T21:00:00.002-05:00

In a field in the middle of Ireland I built a fire at the behest of my co-teacher Rita. She asked, “would you take some of the men and build a fire for our ceremony tonight?”

There were about 100 oak pallets in a pile at the corner of this field and we must of put at least 25 in a big stack and lit them. Needless to say the flame from that “ceremonial” fire could be seen from outer space. You couldn’t stand closer than 30 feet from it without feeling scorched. THAT was a fire. Go big I say.

So flash back two weeks earlier when Meghan came home from Teotihuacan Mexico after spending five days at the pyramids leading a women’s group. As soon as she got into my truck at the airport she announced “I want to have a baby”. That’s my girl! Once she locks and loads it’s a done deal.

So here we are two weeks after her pronouncement post fire ceremony and after all the students have wandered off to dreamland Megs and I set about making that baby. I will spare you the racy details but suffice to say we scored on an empty net that September night.

And nine months later Bodhi Quinn Gilroy popped out at home born at 5:10pm on 5.10.2007. We should have known what all that intent and lovin’ would have created at some shamanic retreat center in the middle of Ireland (of all places) in the wee hours of the night with a bon fire that acted like a beacon for Bodhi to find his way into his mama’s womb.

So, would it be of any surprise if this kid three and a half years later would push every button and tweak every control issue his mama and papa have? Why in the world would that be a mystery? I mean for god’s sake we created this creature…two strong willed, intense human beings who have above average awareness and are sure “they are creating their dream” from a place of intent. Well guess what?

WE DID! And we are learning about all the places inside us that still get hooked and played by this little shaman. It’s as if he knows EXACTLY what he’s doing…

So tonight I saw how incredibly precious this time with Bodhi is. How fast it will pass, how eventually he will get domesticated and how eventually he will create his own stone by which to sharpen himself against.

After dinner deciding my agenda of what I wanted to do this night could wait, I sat on the floor and really played with Bo. He was thrilled. I was thrilled. We played for a bit and then I said we would be cleaning up soon and head to bed to read some stories. He was totally cooperative and I was totally lacking the usual attempts to control him.

He willingly went upstairs, brushed his teeth, assisted in the pajama routine, picked out his books, snuggled as we read, and feel asleep with one hand on my heart.

As if to say, “Papa it’s all ok”. My little guru.

Thank you. I love you.

Seek and Ye Shall Find (Part Two)

2011-02-02T16:53:00.008-05:00

As I sat amongst the sage and rabbitbrush and red earth of New Mexico I watched the tarantula as it delicately made its way towards me, almost like touching the ground was painful. Or more likely maybe I was the one in pain.

I had wandered off after our lunch break to find that certain special spot on the land where I could attempt to come to an understanding of why my world was simultaneously collapsing and expanding, leaving me feeling open, raw, exposed, and exhilarated. As I watched the spider getting closer all my past associations of big hairy arachnids sped through my brain like a highlight horror reel. Should I move, I thought absently. Some force kept me sitting cross legged on the ground watching this really beautiful rare thing tip-toe towards me.

Beautiful? Get the fuck up and run man! This Dreaming workshop must be draining me of all sense!

I sat there dumbstruck at my immobility. When the tarantula was about a foot from me it made a hard right turn and crawled away. It might have been the rush of the wind off the mountains or me exhaling, I’m not sure which.

Later that night when I mentioned this little interaction to my teacher Barbara, she smiled and said “oh honey, they are way more afraid of you”. Good thing cause I may have had a heart attack if it started crawling up my leg.

So here I was with a group of 30 other men and women who had decided they wanted something different in their lives and had come to this lovely property outside Santa Fe New Mexico to discover what that was – or better yet – what that “different” felt like.

Myself? I had packed up my life in New England six months earlier and moved west to Southern California to study with a man whose book I had innocently plucked off a local bookstore shelf (I liked the cover), put on my nightstand untouched for 9 months (symbolism intended), read in one sitting the night my then wife came home and said “I’m leaving”. She left and I read the book again. No lie. I married this beautiful woman just 10 months earlier. She loved my son Nick. I figured this relationship was “it”. I had sworn off any spiritual seeking (silly I know) and was content to just be a “regular guy” (cue the horror flick music). Big, big mistake. I was still running my “hero program” that was all about rescuing and was sure I could fix whatever this lovely woman was suffering from (admittedly she had some issues but so did I, duh). Lurking in the shadows was the Universe waiting to bestow the coup de grace at just the perfect moment. That moment when the sculptor administers just the right hammer strike, forcefully but with intent, and reveals the beautiful creation behind the hard façade…BOOM!

That was my heart cracking wide open. I was 42 years old, divorced again, had a 10 year old son, was in debt, and now alone. Again. If that doesn’t wake you up I don’t know what will. As I sat in the rubble of (yet) another heart break I vowed that this was the last time. It truly felt like Life or Death at that point. I no longer wanted to be at the mercy of my beliefs. I no longer wanted to feel like I was worthless. I no longer wanted to give away Love and be devastated when it wasn’t returned. From where I sit now my ex-wife was my best spiritual teacher yet. Her simple act of leaving me sent me on a journey that can be only described as exquisitely divine. Why?

Because I learned about who I truly am. I discovered the human capacity to transcend. I finally understood what is this crazy little word called Love. I discovered my connection to Life is ever present and like a lamp cord that is plugged in fully accessing the current and can only be unplugged by me.

Nobody has that power to diminish my light other than me.

Sure there are a million reasons we can disagree with that statement but really when you stare down the Truth you’ll see it’s all you baby. What we believe, what we choose to think is what creates who we are. Many of you reading this may nod your head and already know this. Fantastic! Kudos to you. Many of you may want whatever drug I’m on. I’m not on any. And some may shake your head doubting what I’ve written. And that is ok.

All I know is if you seek, you will find. And what you find may not look at all like what you were expecting.

But guess what? I bet it’s even better than what you expected it would be.

So maybe there is a part three to all this rambling, huh? I bet you all want to know what the book was and how an emotionally crippled man drove crying all the way from Massachusetts to California and one short year later drove back with his beloved and began a dream of abundance and Love and Life so sweet.

Right back where I started from.

Thanks for reading!

Seek and Ye Shall Find (Part One)

2011-01-30T18:24:00.003-05:00

Weds 01/26/2010

Tonight we had a small gathering at our house as the next Nor'easter approached. The purpose was to hang out, mingle a bit over snacks and tea then sit and meditate or "Dream" as we refer to it. Meghan and I have been opening our home to friends and students one night a month to come sit, let go of the days bustle, relax and connect to source - whatever that may look like for each person.

Afterwards, I reflected on the path that led me to this moment and had to chuckle..."what a long strange trip it's been". Growing up and meandering through the public school system I was rebellious and not a particularly attentive student. I was bored mostly but got by somehow without really much effort. Let's just say authority and I never saw eye to eye. College really was a continuation of the same; minimal effort, lack of respect for the curriculum and those teaching it, decent grades, but little or no direction. Yet there was a part of me that was seeking, yearning to know myself and who I truly was and what being alive really meant.

After I left school I experienced a 180 degree shift in my antagonistic relationship with authority figures. You're dying to know how right?

It all started with my discovery of martial arts. There the hierarchy is clearly defined and there is no place for the independent rebel. You toe the line or you're politely asked to leave. There is a master or sensei who commands (demands?) respect. Often a beat down signifies an end to thinking you may know better. Suffice to say it is humbling. There is also a tremendous amount of protocol to studying martial arts. When the master says jump you don't say " F U ". You say " um how high today, sir, I mean Sensei, ahh master, sir"? I embraced this structure whole heartedly and became one of those students back in high school I used to laugh at - the ones who sat in front and always raised their hand to be called on - the teachers pet. Me? I know impossible right? Nope. Total about face. I now gave myself over to the teacher - student dynamic. 100 percent. I put my faith in someone outside of me, and asked them to show me the way.

Martial arts is steeped in Eastern philosophy and some believe they were devised to assist one in attaining enlightenment. Or at least enable one to kick someones ass and do so with compassion. Think David Carradine in the iconic TV show, Kung Fu. That character was the person I wanted to be. Yet being a seeker I was always suffering from this underlying sense that there was something more, something beyond what I was currently embracing. I went through different martial art disciplines not really sticking with any one school. Until I finally stumbled across what on paper anyway looked like the real deal - Blue Poppy Chi Kung Association.

Blue Poppy was true to the traditional Kung Fu schools of many many years ago - working with the student to make them a complete person. We learned about the internal and external arts. We studied Chinese medicine. We wandered about Boulder in bare feet and baggy black pants. It was like living the dream of my youth watching the Kung Fu series weekly and wondering if it was possible to still live like that. For the summer of 1980 I did. But still hanging out in the wings was this feeling that something bigger awaited me. My teacher Bob who founded Blue Poppy suggested I return to NYC and study with his Tibetan Buddhist teachers. Without hesitation I agreed and made the journey to meet them.

After passing the audition I began my next practice; embracing Tibetan Buddhism. Again, I put my entire spiritual growth into the hands of my guru. With 100% faith I followed this tradition with all of my belief and devotion for almost 10 years. A funny thing happens when you let another suggest how to live your life, and when there is so much blind faith involved. From where I sit now I see it as giving away one's power, or giving up responsibility for making one's own choices. It was literally like that. I said yes to whatever my guru asked of me. Eventually the pressure was too much and I was more confused and further away from my essence than I had ever been. Mind you I don't blame my guru or Buddhism for that. It was all me.

So what happened? I floundered for awhile. Riding and racing mountain bikes (and almost dying on one - another future blog that story), going through various relationships, having a son (beloved Nick), and essentially giving up on spirituality all together. Then, with what I consider the major turning point of my life, I suffered a devastating heartbreak.

And that dear readers sent me on yet another spiritual quest. And that quest introduced me to myself in a way that I had never experienced before.

To be continued...

No Place Like Home

2011-01-19T16:12:00.002-05:00

It's pretty much mid-winter here in New England and that inevitably leads me to wondering if I am living in the right part of the world. Snow, cold temps, ice, sand, salt, shoveling, digging out jobsites, clearing snow off trucks, tracking all that crap though customers’ houses or my own. Lack of outdoor cardio exercise. Always battling to stay healthy and not getting what the guy next to me in the checkout line hacking and sneezing has. And then last night I dreamt of riding my motorcycle and the roads were dry and the landscape green. Ok, so you get the picture. Definitely challenging after repeated snow storms this year.

For the majority of my adult life I have been fairly nomadic. Since I left high school I have lived in New York, Massachusetts, Virginia, Oregon, Colorado, Montana, Utah, and California. So I know all about changing venues. I have for a long time wanted to live in Madrid New Mexico. Although my beloved has threatened to abandon me if I am remotely serious about relocating there, I often wonder what it would be like. Why Madrid (p. madd-Rid)? Because dogs can roam the streets without fear of the dog catcher. There isn't one. It's outside Santa Fe but far enough away to avoid the glitz. It feels raw and remote and isolated enough to re-connect to the earth. Yeah I know, more snow and cold but it's somehow different in my mind.

Then I contemplate why I ever left the warm lovers embrace of the Pacific coast. Encinitas is such a lovely town. Lots of surf culture, hot rods, and no need for a huge clothing budget. The year I lived there I don't remember wearing long pants. Shorts, flip flops, tee shirt by day, sweatshirt at night. Beautiful ocean. Delicious Mexican food. Barely ever rained. Laid back vibe. Wouldn't it be nice again? To feel warm in January?

Hmmm. What about southern Colorado? Or Boulder? Dry mountain air. Sure it snows but then it is 50 degrees the next day. Piercing blue sky makes you dizzy. Lots of hot springs. Maybe a move there?

But here’s the punch line. I am home. I may have finally understood that today. Home is a feeling that lives inside me; I could feel it so strongly this afternoon. Like a taproot that is deep in the earth, but instead of the earth it roots into my heart – into the center of my being. It is so clichéd I know, but in the midst of my inner kvetching about where I find myself living today, I was fortunate to see how much home lives within me. Can you see this game we play about someplace being better than another, or different enough to alleviate our dissatisfaction, our need to change scenery, to start over, or create a new life for ourselves? What a silly diversion my mind has been playing!

I had this little epiphany while driving home from a project we’re doing in the next town over. As many of you know I live on the coast. The Atlantic coast. There is a beach I pass by on the way home and as I drove past today something said to pull over and take a minute. I backed the truck up, parked, and clambered over the snow bank towards the water. The tide was on its way out and the expanse of sand was vast making it seem like the ocean was so far away. I stood watching the waves crash, roll flat, then draw back to the sea. A seagull let out a shrill whistle. It was raining lightly and I was quiet and still for the first time all day. And that’s when all of a sudden I felt this tremendous rush (an inner wave really) of energy move through me. That’s when I knew, could feel so completely, that I was home.

I do live in a beautiful town, no doubt. For that I am so grateful. Who knows one day I may leave it again. And of course there are compelling reasons for many of you reading this to relocate – change the place you live – and sure that’s understandable. Family, jobs, fresh start. All valid. But just remember…

There is no place like home.

And you are always there.

Thanks for reading.

J

Jake and Bodhi

2011-01-09T22:48:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I had the pleasure of spending the day with my 3 1/2 year old son Bodhi. His mom requested a day to focus on her book and not be distracted by the boys building and destroying different structures in the rooms outside her office. Bo and I left the house by 8am and went to our favorite breakfast joint - the Atomic Cafe. From there we ran some errands, stopped by one of my projects, and finally headed out of town to begin our adventure.

The first stop was the Wenham Train Museum. We've been there before but it never gets old...many cool trains to check out, tons of other kids and of course the gift shop. Bo loves to pick out a car each time to add to his Leno-esque collection. He even let me pick one out too. Quite generous especially given I was the one buying. Nice work Bo!

From there it was off to Newburyport for some lunch at one of my favorite Mexican joints. Of course Bodhi fell asleep in the truck on the way up and he clung to me like a baby Koala bear as I extracted him for his car seat and walked up the block to the restaurant. He was awake enough to help me polish off a bowl of chips and salsa and then lunch. Mark the date of his first taste of flan. I think he liked it. The kid has a distinctly adult pallet. His love of all types of food is pretty impressive actually. It usually elicits a comment or two from the waitstaff or a fellow diner. After lunch he lay down on the bench seat and started chatting it up with three ladies seated next to us. Sometimes I can't get a read on this guy...he can go mute and clam up tight or just start blabbing away like you're his best friend. No real rhyme or reason to it.

So after lunch we walked back to the truck and on the way stopped into a Life is Good store. We browsed about for a bit and then Bodhi found a super ball with the Life logo and a picture of the little mascot dude - Jake on it. I paid for it and we left. Once back in the truck ready to head off to the Triumph dealer in Hampton, NH I asked Bo if he knew who the guy on the ball was. He said "no papa, who"? His name is Jake and he says life is good. Without missing a beat Bodhi asked " what does he say when life is not good"?

Ahhhhh. To be three years old again and have such a distinct lack of irony. I thought for a second trying to process what he just asked me. Yeah what about when life ain't so grand? What then? I found my feet and replied. Well Bo I guess Jake says just do your best, even when life is not good. Somehow that answer felt too canned, too cliched. Here was one of those moments - an opportunity to share some wisdom with my youngest son. When life sucks just do your best...

That moment came and went like they do. We drove off to the motorcycle dealer and had fun pretend riding the Vespa's in the back room. Chatted a bit with Donnie the owner and bought Bo his first motorcycle. Daytona 675. Scaled down of course...

But Bodhi's questioned loitered about in my brain and I found myself wanting to come up with a better reply. What do we do when things
aren't going good? Do we stress? Do we complain? Do we stop striving to be happier?

I laughed to myself at how simple it really is. Of course that's it. We do our best. We weather the storm. We keep laughing through the tears. We keep forgiving the "mistakes". We keep attempting to love it all. All of it.

You see, Life is good. Just ask Jake and Bodhi.

How Losing a Skirt Saved My Mind

2011-01-08T18:58:00.004-05:00

Editors Note: Please ignore any hint of sexism here in the following post. The author loves women, women's clothing, and of course being a man. If this note doesn't confuse you, keep reading...

Friday January 7th

I'm going for five (count 'em like your fingers) days in a row on the road bicycle (it's actually a 'cross bike ready for winter riding complete with lights and fenders) - heading out this afternoon to Hamilton and back. I am back in saddle after a miserable 6 weeks off.

Regarding my whining of late - I think I know what happened. Back in early November when the cold weather first appeared in North Conway during the Porky Gulch Race I felt this constriction around my thighs. Weirdest thing, I'll tell ya...like I couldn't really move freely. On top of that I was cranky and moody all December and completely off the bike. No one really wanted to be around me, not my wife, kids, crew, even my dog was done with me.

Well on Monday I decided to have another look at my thighs and by jeezus I was wearing a skirt! Imagine my disbelief!!! A freakin' tight little cocktail number that made me walk like my feet were shackled. No wonder (I thought myself) I've had such a tough month. I've been wearing a gawd damn skirt.

Well lads, the skirt indeed came off (slipped gracefully right down around my ankles as I stepped out of it - easy ladies don't let that visual rile you up) and lo & behold I was manly again.

And ever since I've been riding outdoors like it's mid-July. Oh, and I'm a kind, loving, compassionate, husband, father, and boss again. The dog has welcomed me back too. The world is right again. Hallefuckinluya!

So when you find yourself in a rut. When you wake up grumpy and out of sorts. When nothing in your world seems to click. Throw on some extra layers, toss a leg over a bicycle and go ride. I guarantee you'll feel way better. When you get home have some milk and cookies. Bet you will feel right as rain.

And save that skirt for those hot summer nights...grrrrrrrr.

The One And Only

2011-01-01T22:18:00.003-05:00

New Years Day 2011. I feel like another semi-seismic shift has occured in my awareness today. A kind of adjustment to the way I'm seeing the world around me. It all started when I smelled the ocean. Pretty amazing that our sense of smell can trigger something other than a memory. This morning it led to feeling so totally present and so completely insignificant. So how'd all this come to pass?

A bike ride of course. After getting the morning to sleep in which for me is anything past 7am I eventually suited up and heading out on my 'cross bike. The temp was a delicious 50 degrees and with the snow piled up and melting fast, made it feel like Spring. If only! It has been weeks since my last ride outdoors and it felt good to actually be moving instead of spinning away in my office after work staring at my computer and some inspirational training program. Ahh.

As I made my way towards the town line at Preston Beach the smell of the ocean was deliciously pungent, and very visceral. I took a deep inhale through my nose and felt my lungs slowly fill with this vitalized air. Having lived in this seaside community for the past 14 years I often don't notice my surroundings in such a body centered way. I'm usually wrapped up in my going somewhere and in my truck isolated from the elements. But today on my bicycle I was completely focused on this sensation coming in to me in the form of the ocean smell. The theme of being present was again on my mind and for now that seems to be my mantra...be in this moment and this moment and this moment. I looked down and my legs were spinning a steady tempo as if on auto pilot. That gave me the opportunity to see what was around me. An exspansive ocean. Land jutting out into this ocean. A large city - Boston - framed over water on the horizon. The light was bright but had this thick quality, almost mist like. My legs kept time to this music I was seeing around me.

A thought occurred to me that when my time living near the ocean is over I don't want to have missed any part of the experience. In other words I don't to feel nostalgic about my time here because I didn't fully absorb the experience of being part of such a powerful part of Nature.

Someday when I am living nearer to the mountains I will know the beauty of this place I call my ocean home, and be grateful that I had this time here.

So today I felt full of wonder, gratitude, privilege, and humility. In one hundred years from now no one who is alive right now will still be here. An entirely new group of humanity will be living. It's such a short time we have when you really contemplate it. And it goes by in a blink. Look here it is - the first day of the new year is one hour away from being gone.

What I experienced this morning on my first ride of 2011 was the poignant realization that one day I will merge body mind and soul with that Ocean. And I can't believe how fast it happened.

With love...

New Years Eve 2010

2010-12-31T22:49:00.003-05:00

My wife and I have a tradition on new years eve of getting out some large sheets of drawing paper after dinner and start the creative process. Water colors, cray-pas, pastels, pen & ink. Tonight we have five friends over to ring in this next year and each one is engrossed in their respective unique expression of creativity. There is a fire burning in the fireplace in our large dining room as we sit around the table and music is playing in the living room. The vibe is decidedly chill.

I love ending one year this way and beginning the next with so much awareness. The other thing we like to do is to put on paper our intent for the coming year. We check in with what we created during the past year and how it felt and what we might change or elaborate on. Maybe it's career based, maybe health orientated, maybe family focused...and we will actually write the words or draw in a picture what it is we what to mainfest during the new year. Without fail every year whatever we have intended has on some level come to be. Hard to believe I know but true. Meg & I for the past eight years have done this...we've forgone the parties, avoided too much alcohol, stayed at home and dreamt together what we want our new year to feel like. What a magical way to say Bon Voyage to another year.

So this year I want to live each moment as if it is the last...with so much gratitude and awareness of how precious Life is. In the midst of whatever it is I am so engrossed in, I vow to appreciate that I am here...on this earth but for a blink of the eye. At the end of this ride I want to smile and know I lived it completely.

2011. Yeah, bring it on. May yours be filled with an abundance of all good things.

BoyZ of Summer

2010-07-09T22:28:00.000-04:00

Still groovin' from that ride we did...so much fun. I wish had me that saucy little table washer from the Rhythm Cafe right 'bout now...had to wash & wax Toruk myself this evening. And I don't nearly have the cleavage that girl did (thanks Harv for the dusty off road excursion). Ahhh man, sometimes I wish all I did was ride...and ride...and ride...

Enclosed a couple of pictures from last year in Sedona with another brother in arms. Rode up to the Mogollon Rim for 3 days. Was on a Z1000. Rick was on a ZZR 1200. 151mph across the high desert floor will set you right with the Creator. There is only the Present Moment and a quick prayer that a Jackalope won't step onto the tarmac in front of me.

Later on the same ride some vintage Ferrari's thought they could dust us. We blew by them at a buck thirty like they were motionless. Wealthy elderly gentlemen with wives wearing scarves on their heads. Pulling back into our lane as we crested a rise Johnnie Law came the other way. Grabbed a handful of Nissin and for a second paused (should we slow down? Screw that!)...then flew down that mountain like we was on fire and no old time Italian cars in the rearview again. Johnnie must of busted them instead. Later on (at a Café where the photo was taken) my brother Rick said, "the cops don't much care for chasing down the sportbikes. Usually they're just a single fatality...a couple of old sports cars goin' triple digits is a score for the lawman." Uh huh.

What dream is this? The need for Speed. To be on the edge, yet in control. To feel the front wheel searching for release, lifting skyward as the back wheel seeks traction and grip.

One day my now three year old son Bodhi will remember the days when combustion engines made his father smile. The deep sexy throaty note of a Buell. The percussion thump of a Triumph Speed Master. The glorious back pressure gurgle of a Speed Triple decelerating. Oh man...

One day all we'll hear is the hum of something electric (hearing aid? pacemaker?), something totally devoid of personality. And as we drift off into the ether at the end of this Life, we will Dream of motors powered by petrol. Beastly things blessed with tremendous horsepower. Machines that tap our adrenaline and courage.

One Day We will Dream of days of twisting throttles and endless curvy roads...and of Brothers of The Tarmac and one lone BRMC member on a borrowed Honda Davidson (ripped it up on that thing too!).

Good travels to you Harv. Be assured we will ride much between now & September. But when you do return we will again do a "Harv Ride". Maybe a Western Ride?

I'm in.

Peace out.

Jamie

Adventures in Toddlerville

2010-03-17T10:24:00.000-04:00

You have to strive every minute to get rid of the life that you have planned in order to have the life that's waiting to be yours. Move. Move. Move into the transcendent. That's the whole sense of adventure, I think.
- An Open Life: Joseph Campbell in Conversation with Michael Toms

I love this quote (and pretty much anything else Joseph Campbell wrote). When does our “journey” move from resistance to flow? From clinging to the old way of living, from living with an under current of fear in our lives; fear that we aren’t enough, fear of losing what we have, fear of the unknown.

Not paralyzing fear. That’s not what I mean – it’s a subtle feeling, a whisper of a voice in our mind that says, “You can’t live like that,” “You should believe like this,” “You’ll never have that,” “Feeling good is something other people can achieve.” Then February comes along and it’s time to head South.

Each time I travel to Mexico and embrace Teotihuacan and its pyramids, I experience some new revelation. Some new insight that has been buried inside of me. “Move. Move. Move into the transcendent.” Remarkably that always happens in Teo.

And the best part is I don’t really have to do anything to make that process unfold. Well maybe one small thing is necessary. I need to be open to what is. It may take a day or two for my system to register what’s going on, for my mind to release the ideas of what my Teo experience should look like. Since me being a bit hard of head, the Universe does a gentle jack hammer riff on me and eventually some Light seeps in. Eventually I see the opportunity.

So what was the “adventure” for me this time around?

Bodhi (my almost three year old son). Bodhi. One word conjures up so many images. Why? (Yes you may ask why). I was charged with taking care of Bo while the lovely Dreamers and group participants had their fun at the pyramids. My first reaction was pretty predictable.

How was it that I, a “master,” had been relegated to chasing a toddler around a labyrinth and changing dirty diapers?

Wasn’t I “supposed” to be leading the charge up the Avenue of the Dead?

What the heck was I going to do all day with this little being?

As if that wasn’t difficult enough by default, I suddenly found myself also in charge of playing with Lola & Bella, Lee & Mee’s (the owners of The Dreaming House) little girls. Great. This is exactly what I came to this beloved power spot to do: play “Manny” for a week. This was not my plan for my spiritual enlightenment. Nope.

Ahh dear reader you must anticipate the punch line rapidly approaching, no? The cosmic smack down of Jamie coming fast huh? Yup.

Except it was a beautiful revelation – another brilliant opportunity (isn’t our life packed with them?) to switch from what it should be to what is.

Remarkably I found myself gradually becoming more and more present. Slowly finding the joy of seeing (SEEING!) through the eyes of small children. Playing again with no attachment to what we were playing. During the games, the discoveries, the emotions of these three children shifting and swirling like little dust devils – I found myself totally present.

Let me say that again for effect: totally present in the moment. Wow. Try that for even a minute.

You can’t, I know. I can’t either when I’m plugged into my inner dialogue (especially back in my Bubble of a dream in Marblehead where I live). But some crazy shift occurred without even leaving the Dreaming House grounds.

What a relief, huh? What a gift (yet again, thank you Teo). Really. What I saw was the “adventure” that is called my “process.” We all arrive in Mexico with some sort of discomfort, some nagging pebble in our shoe (chaffing against our soul?) too small to stop and remove, but enough of a reminder to get our attention.

During our stay in Mexico the opportunities are many and constant to release so much that is baggage in our Hearts, so much that is not allowing us to fully shine, be totally present, to live from that drum beating place that IS our Heart. Our innermost Desire, our Dream of Life. To be in service to a feeling. That feeling is Love.

Well the funny thing is the Universe smiled and patted me on the head like a good little boy after my great realization. On our last day of the trip, Bodhi and I entered the pyramid grounds at Gate Five and walked to the base of the Sun. We planned to join the group at the top for the closing ceremonies.

As we approached the base of the pyramid Bo saw his mom (Meghan) across the plaza and casually waved to her. He then said to me, “I want to climb the Sun now.” And climb he did. One step then another without pausing.

When we had climbed to the last flat spot before the top he sat down and said, “Papa, look how high the Dreamers are,” as we looked down at the group gathered below us at the base. We had some water and a snack.

My thought was we would hang out while the group gathered at the very top. I would keep an eye on Bo but we didn’t have plans to join the ceremony. My feeling was we had to get right to the top and start holding the energy. And that’s what we did.

Climbing quickly the rest of the way. Then Bo sat with me as I began to settle into the space at the top of the Sun. He was quiet and I could feel our connection deepening as we sat there. Gradually the group came to encircle the top of the pyramid and a ceremony was created. Meghan sat down and put Bo in her lap and leaned into me.

Of all of my experiences on top of the Pyramid of the Sun this one was so sweet and tender. It felt like heaven.

Each one of you who are reading this knows that Love is transcendent. And I bet you also know that life is an adventure.

So my advice?

Go find a few toddlers. Put your cell phone down. Take off your shoes. Find a ray of sunlight. Connect to that moment. Take a really deep breath and go play.

Thank you Bodhi. Thank you.

Thanks for Listening

2009-10-19T10:17:00.004-04:00

It's time to take an extended break (as if I've really been diligently blogging regularly). Yesterday it was snowing (at least it was on TV during the Pats game) here in Massachusetts. So old man Winter is trudging our way. Coincidentally my beloved has urged me (actually has been urging me for quite some time) to write down my experiences I have had while travelling this particular Spiritual path I've been on (meandering anyone?) the past eight years.

I have decided to devote whatever time and energy I have left after running my business to this project. It will be a book. Probably short. Most likely humorous, all about Love & Redemption, sprinkled with mysticism and rebellion, boy meets girl, lots of driving, and transformation - not necessarily in that order.

Hang in there if your jonesing for more info (or gawd forbid more blogs). I hope to emerge from my self imposed hibernation when the snows have melted, the trees begin to bud again, and the warm sun has returned. Until then...

Thanks for reading. Blessings.

J

War of the Sons of Light against the Sons of Darkness*

2009-09-27T17:01:00.001-04:00

Please pardon the intrusion, it is Michael here. I must apologize for my brother Uri – he is at times intrusive and lacking the proper decorum for one of our kind. Some call him edgy and vulgar. I myself see him as young and impulsive.

His view of the human he has been mandated to protect is somewhat inappropriate. We normally do not discuss our humans lives in public, and least not in a such an open forum like what you humans refer to as a “blog”. I must admit to a tinge of embarrassment in what is being openly shared amongst you humans these days over cyber space. With the simple entry of a mere word an entire world opens up at your fingertips. What is this portal called? Giggle? Oh, no, Google. It’s as if “knowledge” is dispersed from an unauthenticated source yet is received as gospel (if only the real gospel was heard again). If you desire an opinion on any subject (or person for that matter) you only have to type it in and hit send.

It is my wish to return this forum to its rightful author. Uri is not happy about the loss of his cyber pulpit. However he has more important things to do and has agreed to return to his duties as guardian angel for Jamie.

Please excuse my forwardness. However in this moment I’d like to ask that you place your attention on the present state of your planet and its occupants. Just see what interactions are occurring between the humans; experience the vibrations of humanity. Are they calming? Is there less divisiveness? Less war? Less hunger? What is happening right before your eyes? And what part do you play? What role do you take on or not? What choices do you make and how do they impact your life? Your world? What kind of impact are you having on the Earth? Do you side with the Light?*

In any case these are simply questions. Not meant to inflict judgment or even a point of view. Just respectfully asking while I have your undivided attention. Again, my sincere apologies if I have offended in any way (and of course for Uri’s behavior).

With the greatest love and respect,

Michael

Guardian Angel Blues: Part Two

2009-09-24T09:07:00.001-04:00

Hey Uri here again. So that was interesting. This blog got WAY more attention since I took over the writing duties from you know who – mister CTD (crash test dummy) himself – laymo Jaymo. What is it with that kid? Moaning and groaning all the time about wanting to be a writer, and how he is stressed out from work and has no time whatsoever to sit down and put his “enlightened” thoughts on paper. As a matter of fact he’d be much safer if he was at his desk and not running around trying to be Evel Knievel. If you added up all the time in plaster casts and getting stitched up he could’ve written a War & Peace size memoir. Sure would make my job a whole heck of a lot easier if he was sitting still…

So Mike, Gabe, Rafe, and I were Skype-ing each other last night around 3am when our humans were supposedly sleeping. That’s the only time we can rap about stuff. Skype is a friggin’ godsend (from where else?). We don’t show up on the screen cause of course we can’t be seen in this realm – but we see each other no worries. Anyway, we were kinda getting’ philosophical about shit, which is by the way not really our style. We’re more blue collar, meat and potatoes cats and this is sort of a problem when we get all sensitive and misty eyed. The heady, “spiritual”, cosmic, woo-woo crap is left up to the Big Guy (well Big Gal really, but that’s a WHOLE nother blog – shhhh, it’s kinda a secret). Truth be told we’re a bit worried about the humans. Nothing we could really pinpoint but just a hunch ya know?

We wuz talking bout roots. Not ours cause we got wings not roots, but the humans roots, both the physical connection to this planet, and the inner connection to the heart. Ahhhhhhhhh maaaaaan, I’m sorry it hurts to even write like this. I’m getting soft in my immortality. I swing a big bad ass sword cause it feels freakin’ cool and I love cuttin’ shit up – not cause I’m so do gooder. Anywho – I’ll press on. From where we sit (pretty sick view BTW) things on planet earth have gotten a wee bit tweaked. Back in the day it was wooden clubs, a cozy rabbit loin cloth and out running gnarly mastodons. Basic shit right? Now it’s gotten all techy and disconnected from the planet and more connected to each other than ever before. That’s sketchy when you get 6 billion humans all instantly connected to one another. Human beings in groups bigger than 4 are bizarre and this time they are living in is the most inter connected ever.

And in all the acquisitions of “things” the humans are losing heart – or at least their ability to check in and listen to what their heart is saying. Intellect is a beautiful thing in balance. But in the many millenniums I’ve been saving dumb asses like Jamo I’ve noticed that those humans who live connected to their inner world seem to be WAY happier than those ones chasing an illusion on the outside. The by product of which is we are having to step in front of a lot of bullets and damn those things are fast. Way easier when knuckleheads threw rocks at each other, or arrows which btw never ever flew straight. When some guy pegged his enemy with an arrow it was like he won the dang lottery…oh nevermind. I’m digressing.

Listen peeps. Just take a moment to look down at your feet. If you can find a patch of real ground. Take your shoes off (brilliant invention BTW) and wiggle your toes around. Feel this planet under your feet and say ahhhh. What do you humans call it? Oh yeah, Mother Earth. That’s an interesting way to treat poor ol’ momma. Now take your hand and place it over your heart (CENTER of your chest FYI) and feel the drum beat. Yup, that’s your heart pal. Connect to it. Make it your home cause when that baby stops beatin’ it’s curtains Mugsy.

Take a moment to realize you’re one fragile mo-fo living in a very fragile world. Best enjoy each little teenie tiny moment. That’s my advice. And I’ve seen some crazy shite in my day.

Gabe calls me the Prophet of Doom & Gloom. I’d like to think of myself as a loving messenger just delivering the mail.

Anybody home?

Later gator-

Uri

Guardian Angel Blues

2009-09-22T10:52:00.000-04:00

Hi. Jamie has taken a break from his blog and I’ve decided to fill in for him. I am his “guardian angel”. Call me Uri.

Look, I just want to take this opportunity and this forum to get some things off my proverbial chest. First off, we get no respect – I mean zip, zero, nada. People love to talk about their “angels watching over them” like it’s some fluffy namby pamby occupation complete with big lovely wings (like that stupid John Travolta movie) and Bach concertos playing soothing soundtracks and the entire deal Oprah approved. Bullshit. It ain’t like that at all.

It’s dark and nasty and nitty gritty stuff. You all only hear about the humans who die. And don’t get me going about the repercussions of letting your “assigned”* human expire – baaaaad, baaaaad, baaaaad is all I can say. The boss hates when we f-up and let a human die. Usually it’s cause we went for a smoke, or grabbed a café latte or something – I mean we need a break too…but I digress.

*There is one G.A. assigned to a human per lifetime (includes twins, sextuplets etc. Feel bad for dem angels)

You never hear about the billions of near misses every moment of every day. The ones most humans aren’t even aware of. Of how ridiculously close human beings come to being taken out each moment. If you only knew…which is another bone of contention for me. On what planet is anyone required to work 24/7? Not one moment of taking a breather, watching the game on TV, taking your honey for ice cream? Not to mention sleeping. Oh, and those humans who “die in their sleep”? Yup, somebody made a boo boo. Took their eye off their human and wham. Done. Dead. Happened to my buddy Mike just the other day – 2 am went to check his email and left this guy snoring peacefully. Came back not 5 minutes later – freakin’ guy is stone cold. I tell ya it’s a thankless full time gig and I’ve about had it!

Take Jamie my human for example. Not a bad kid but christ almighty (sorry boss) that guy shoulda been tattooed with the crash test dummy symbol. From the word go right outta the womb this joker has had me on full alert. He must be part feline since he has been forever trying to leave this earth (by the way cats really do have nine lives since they’re so stupid – they’d be “one and done” otherwise and then there’d be no more little puddie cats roamin’ the planet…yippee!). He loves to think of himself as a warrior who has survived many a battle and lived to tell the tale. And oh I just loooove the way he embellishes his stories like as if he had anything to do with staying alive. Remember that cliff he launched off of? What an idiot! Thirty-five feet and lands like he’s on a feather bed. Guess who he landed on? ME!!! Then this last incident with the car? Oh man. He slams into a 2010 Toyota on his little carbon fiber bicycle and is walking around joking with the EMT’s like he’s a friggin’ hero. Then he even takes pictures of the huge dent “he left” in the front quarter panel of the Toy. Guess what? Yup, that’s MY DENT!! I mean this kid is a train wreck. He looks like a tom cat all scarred up and those are just collateral damages – anyone of those scars could’ve been lights out Charlie. How about all his motorcycles? No he can’t just have a nice little Vespa scooter something cute and safe, he’s gotta go get that nasty black Speed Triple monster of his and ride it like he’s invincible. Who’s sittin’ on the front fender on high alert at all times? Me of course. ME ME ME!!! Oh I’m really getting steeped now.

I’m considering staging a walkout. I mean if guys who unload trucks have a union why not us? We could then be organized and go on strike, lobby for better working conditions, maybe a little paid vay-kay? Fifteen minute breaks morning and afternoon, lunch break. Eight hour shifts. Pee breaks. You get the idea. That would certainly help the “overpopulation” problem you humans are experiencing if we only worked 40 hours a week. And maybe people would think twice before taking us angels for granted. Maybe never even leave your house. Hummm. I might have to bring this up with Ari and Mike and the guys at our next meeting. But it’s nearly impossible to coordinate our schedules…what a bummer. And besides….

Oh crap there goes Jamie on his skateboard…I gotta fly peeps, thanks for letting me rant and rave. I feel a little better. Though barely.

Just remember next time you step off the curb, even though you look both ways, I’m looking all ways…

Later gator.

Uri

Life: Italian Style

2009-09-03T11:05:00.002-04:00

This morning I woke up feeling just like I have the entire past month. Dog tired (even after eight hours sleep) and lacking the morning fire I’m so accustomed to. I could feel my frustration build as I mentally scrolled through all that I have to do today. It got even worse when I visited a couple of projects we have going and saw things either not moving fast enough (according to me) or done the way I wanted (again, according to me). Ahhhh. Yet again another beautiful day off to an ugly start. I mean obviously all the ugliness is inside of me as the rest of the world is clearly oblivious to my inner turmoil. That’s cool.

So I stopped by the Atomic Café for my morning cappuccino (yeah, yeah, I got it rough huh?) which Andrew so generously gave to me no charge. That was the beginning of a subtle shift inside me. Mellissa was bopping around behind the cash register and I could feel the energy just crackling off of her as she greeted customers as if each one was her favorite person in the world. Her effervescence was in direct contrast to my lethargy. Two meteors heading in opposite directions, fast. I was sick of falling. I went outside to make a few phone calls and sit in the sun.

A familiar face came up to me and mentioned how he had met my son Nick (who works at the Atomic now) and what a nice young man he was. He also spoke about his trips to Italy over the years and how surprised he was to hear that Nick had spent two years in Assisi. We spoke for some time about the beauty of Italy. I shifted slightly again.

After finishing my calls and coffee I went back in to the Atomic to talk to Andrew. Another familiar face came up and said he just got back from three weeks in Italy. I asked him why he came back. He laughed and said everyone asks that same question. He is a painting contractor in town and he said since he came back home he decided to work every day until noon and then take the rest of the day off. He said whatever he gets done by noon is all he gets done – the rest will be there for him the next day to deal with. Another shift inside me – this one bigger. I went outside somewhat altered and got on my motorcycle and headed to the lumberyard.

I was talking with a friend while there and another friend I had worked with on a crew years ago came up to me and asked me how I was doing. He said I seemed pretty stressed out yesterday when he saw me expressing my frustration over a previous lumber delivery that was missing an item. The way he said it made it seem really out character for me to be so agonized over something so insignificant. Shift. Shift. Shift. I laughed and said if he ever sees me like that again to give me a slap to remind me to relax. He chuckled and said he’d be happy to.

Now I’m in my office writing this blog – the first inspiration in almost a month. And truth be told I have a ton of shit to do that I’m ignoring to get this feeling down on paper (cyberspace). This is what I saw in the first few hours of my morning. Ready (like ready for the punch line)?

In the mastery of me I have forgotten how to master. In the continual funk that I claim to be the result of my construction business, my unhappiness not being filthy rich and my lack of total leisure time to absolutely do nothing if I so choose, I have lost sight of what is. I have perpetuated the belief that the only way I will EVER get it done is by sheer force of will. By trying to control things that don’t need controlling. By wishing things were different to point of making myself miserable. I got a reflection of Jamie today that was pretty unsettling. What happened to that guy who is free in every moment to choose and decide? What happened to living my Dream as if it is my Dream to live as I want? Why is there bitterness creeping into my world? And why do I keep looking for a different result doing the same thing over and over again? Master smashster. That’s such a set up when I see how right now I feel like I’m in canoe on a river and I have no paddle and no way to do anything but sit and float downstream. Guess what?

This morning I found a paddle. This morning I found Italy. You know what I saw about myself? I react to things from a place of tension. Sure things will always show up, no doubt. Especially in construction. Especially in LIFE. So how do I want to make myself feel? Agitated? Depleted? Frustrated? Sure that’s easy. But what if? What if I said I’m going to pretend I’m living life Italian style? Taking things as they come. Stressing less about all that I have to get done, and doing what I can each day. And being good with that.

Here’s the big one; what if I actually enjoyed myself regardless of how much energy I have (or think I should have), regardless of the weather, the progress of the job, the mistakes, the beliefs I have about “how things should be”…what if I actually enjoyed the Dream as is?

What if I said to myself the minute I open my eyes in the morning: “it’s another beautiful day on the planet earth and I’m here to enjoy all of it”. And I do mean all of it.

Hummm. Ok I can try that. I mean why not? Beats the alternative…si?

Nella vita - chi non risica - non rosica…
(In life: who risks nothing - gains nothing)

Ciao baby, ciao!

J

Have You Hugged Your Awareness Today?

2009-08-09T20:11:00.003-04:00

Food for thought that a friend Lee McCormack passed along the other day. How aware are we? What is the reason for our being here? Thanks Lee for sharing this.

Washington, DC Metro Station on a cold January morning in 2007.

The man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time approx. 2 thousand people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After 3 minutes a middle aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried to meet his schedule.

4 minutes later:
The violinist received his first dollar: a woman threw the money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.

6 minutes:
A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again..

10 minutes:
A 3-year old boy stopped but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. Every parent, without exception, forced their children to move on quickly.

45 minutes:
The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.

1 hour:
He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before Joshua Bell sold out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.

This is a true story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people's priorities. The questions raised: in a common place environment at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?

One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this: If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made.... How many other things are we missing?

Indeed. Exactly how many...?

Thanks for taking the time.
J

When the Stars Align

2009-07-29T21:36:00.000-04:00

I was speaking with one of my new (favorite) clients the other day. She was asking how my son Nick was doing. I was explaining how wonderful it was to have him home after spending two years in Italy. She could sense and feel my enthusiasm and love while talking about Nick. She then offered how some years back her grown children were living in close proximity to her and her husband and how happy she was about that.

She then said, “Isn’t it wonderful when the stars align?”

That got me to thinking about that feeling. The other night Megs and I were sitting at the dinner table having a meal with my mom, Nick, and Bodhi. I looked around and felt this deep satisfaction seeing the ones I love so dearly gathered together in one room sharing space and time and food together.

I never had quite experienced that sensation. It was so special and warming.

That’s what my client meant by the stars aligning (which she conveyed as much energetically as verbally). It is often a rare thing to have everyone you are close to nearby. Before you know it we have all changed, grown deeper into Life and gone our separate ways.

The stars are continuing to align so very nicely in my world right now. Business is very good. My Dream is sweet and as icing on the cake my brother arrived with his family for a week’s visit.

Pile it on then, I can handle all the dessert Life wants to send my way. I can deal with the stars being lined up and shining down my way.

May they align in this very moment for you too.

Yes!

J

One More Wedding Bell Ringing Clear

2009-07-24T18:23:00.003-04:00

Aries March 2001

For some time I've had a vision for an initiation ritual called Self-Betrothal, or a wedding to oneself. It seems often that we seek out highly committed relationships in an effort to complete ourselves, when we really need to do this completion work on our own, though surely with the support of friends. Before such a joining to oneself, ideally there would be a time of preparation, perhaps a year akin to engagement, involving vision questing, counseling and learning life skills, culminating in a rite-of-passage in which a person essentially marries himself or herself in a ceremony attended by their community. The "ego" and "spirit" would be joined as one entity; the "self" and "higher self" would, through ritual and learning, be brought into one awareness. My idea may be some time from manifesting, but for you, this is a powerful time of joining to yourself, of allowing what is above, what is below and what is at the center of your heart to merge in sacred matrimony.

One more relationship gone sour, one more heart broken. One more horoscope to ponder. This one came at such an opportune time, a portents of things to come. Five months later I was at a place called Omega wondering how to totally shift my Life.

In a matter of five days it happened. There were some characters involved. A little Mexican man. A Queen of Desire. The Four Angels. And a short dark haired woman who used to watch me shoot hoops on our lunch breaks. She saw the light burning inside of me. There also were some experiences almost unexplainable. Small Deaths. Magical happenings, openings, cracks in the belief system, mysteries of the Heart. Leaps of Faith. Letting go's of the Terrible Shoulds, Could Haves, What Ifs, Why Nots, How Comes, and then...BOOM! The boy done exploded into a million shades of light...ahhhhhhhhhhh.

But the best was saved for last. The Wedding Day. A Ceremony of Oneness. A merging of love into LOVE. A leaping into the Unknown Unthinkable Ultimate wedded BLISS.

That one simple horoscope could not have pegged it any better. It was time. "It's TIME" as Ricky would say. It was time for sure. Time to start walking and talking the same language. Moving from the place of, guided by the place of, breathing from the PLACE OF THE HEART EMOTION, the fearless crystal clear river of knowing...

And when I can't hear anymore, when all the noise fills my head, I go inside, swim through the bullshit and find that place.

The place where the sound of one bell, then many bells, take me Home.

Hey! It's your wedding day. I DO!

I did.
J

Marriage Proposal 101

2009-07-09T20:33:00.002-04:00

Oh I am feeling blah blah blah and have nothing to say but I'm SO tired of seeing the last blog stare me in the face every time I open my website. I decided it would be fun to open the folder on my computer called Writings & Ramblings and see what I discovered. It's a major copout but so what? It's my party and I can cry if I want to. Here's what I uncovered and it instantly took me back to that moment in time where Life leaned down and patted me on the head and said, "good boy".

And the rest my friends is history...

Well dear friends, it’s the year 2003 and frankly Miracles still do exist. A wedding is in the works and the two lucky contestants are J. Meghan McChesney and J. Jamie Gilroy. The Universe in all of its infinite wisdom and unending humor conspired to unite these two souls (for better or for worse) in a lovely display of Serendipity.

As a testament to what is possible when one shrugs their shoulders and says simply “can a brother catch a break here?” I supplicated the benevolent Universe to bring me an answer to my question – “am I destined to be alone in this Life (SWM single dad seeking Irish American Princess)?” Not hearing anything and being incredibly impatient I chucked myself into the unknown abyss figuring the answer may lie there, or in lieu of an answer a good adrenaline rush would suffice. Well imagine my surprise when Meghan appeared right before my very eyes (her face too all contorted by the G-forces of her own abyss free fall). I was like, “hey what are you doing in my Dream? Wanna get married?” I saw my minimal chance and pounced on it… Anyhow she claims in the rushing of the wind she heard “Isn’t San Diego a lovely city…?” And of course she answered “YES!!!”

The rest folks, is history. Being a good little Toltec, Meghan is being impeccable with her word and is honoring her answer of "yes" to whatever my question was. As a result, we are to be married of the 30th day of the fair month of May in year 2003. We would love it if you could join us in a wonderful celebration of love, laughter, and wild tribal dancing. If you can’t please just send money.

I love you, and I’m sure Meg does too…

J. Jamie James Brewster McChesney Gilroy

From Nothing

2009-06-26T20:12:00.000-04:00

I’ve been following the news like everyone. The King of Pop is dead. The Dream Angel for boys my age is gone too. The moonwalk is gone. The one piece bathing suit fantasy too. What is it when icons die? How do we cope? Where do we file that info? When a god dies, the demi-gods are filled with angst and fear. The common folk weep when their idol perishes; when great lights are blown out. It doesn’t matter if those lights were freaky, we still are drawn to them, mere moths to their brilliant celebrity…

So I’ve been watching Bodhi, my two year old. He is magnificently filled with so much life. He not only is growing fast, but absorbing everything and learning at an accelerated rate too. He is getting to be himself – a little bundle of personality. He is beginning to believe his dream. I love it. But sometimes I look at him and realize he came from nothing.

A sperm on its own is unable to create. An egg by itself cannot produce Life. Each depends on the other to merge and unify and begin the process of Creation. But really from nothing comes something. And how much does that something develop into a person, a personality? I see that with Bo – he is becoming a personality. It is beautiful to watch this process, but I also wonder at what point does the personality take on a life of its own? When does it just find its place in the world? Or does it need to continuously seek attention, constantly reinventing itself? When can talent or looks be enough? Or do we as mere mortals project our yearnings onto our “stars”, those “exceptional beings” and ask more of them to satisfy our own longings?

I mean all of us originally came from nothing. Are any of us greater or more talented or prettier or smarter than anyone else? Sure if you believe that. But that doesn’t change the fact that we all came forth from Life and eventually in death, return to Life.

And that my dear friend makes us all the same.

No?

Long live the King of Pop. Long live our favorite Angel. But please don’t forget where we all came from…

J

Romance: Part Two

2009-06-21T14:17:00.002-04:00

Editors note: please re-read Part One again.

M: But some people would say that that doesn’t sound like real life.

J: Of course it doesn’t. What happens in real life? Someone gets cancer and dies. Someone rejects you because your thighs are too big, your nose is too short. It’s all these expectations and judgments. We’ve been conditioned to see that it’s the goal, it’s the end game. It’s what does it look like after the romance. How many people say, “Oh yeah, romance is great but now we are married? Oh, I am married with children. Driver carries no cash, his wife has it all.” You know there are all these little things that support the belief that the romance at some point ends. Everyone wants a fairy tale ending but doesn’t believe it. Or people say, “Oh, that’s just a Hollywood ending. That’s Hollywood. It’s make believe.” Well, guess what? Your whole life is make believe. Why wouldn’t you make believe it in that way? I am with my beloved. Each second that I am with her is like a pit full of honey, dripping over each of our bodies. Rose petals falling from the sky. Moonlit walks. Tenderness that is so unbelievably excruciating in its tenderness. Is that make believe? Some people may say so. For me, it’s my life. That’s how I live my life. And that’s how I plan to live my life to the very last moment. And that romance is not with something outside of me. It’s with Life itself. It’s not focused just on my wife or my sons or my dog or my friends who agree with me. It’s focused on the entire thing that’s called LIFE. That thing that is coursing through everyone of us, moving through every tree, every plant. Every animal on this planet is alive in that way and it’s romance. It is romance. So say whatever you want to say. Say it’s not possible. That it ends after you get married. It ends after you have children. It ends after you get divorced. It ends with the angry client, the estranged sibling, the disappointed boss, the shitty economy and your vanishing wealth, your family of origin, the other side of the tracks you grew up in, the color of your skin. No. It never ends. And I’m here to tell you that. Ever. Unless you say it does. Unless you no longer want to live a romantic life. Don’t you see we choose. No one does that for us. Sure we all have valid reasons for being miserable, for being so unhappy. The litany of reasons is both long and varied. But when do we say, “I want this now before I die.” What if we really understood how unbelievably short our time here is? Wouldn’t we spend every possible second seeking out the honey like a little bear cub? Some of you in the audience are most certainly wondering if this doesn’t sound like some ecstasy fueled fantasy. That I must certainly get angry, yell at the kids, wake up grumpy, have my bad days. Absolutely. But what I also do is remember what the ecstasy feels like and seek to go back there. What being out of Romance with Life feels like. Let me tell you this. It feels like crap. And the more I’m in that romantic place the better I get at getting myself back there when I fall of the horse. Sure it happens. So what? What are you going to judge me for taking myself out of the honey pit? Do you judge yourself? What if for once you didn’t? What would happen? Would the big ol’ Wizard of Oz be exposed? An old man pulling levers behind a façade? Nothing there substantial at all? The honey of Romance is what’s substantial my friends. I have no doubt whatsoever. Now where is your doubt? Where is your faith?

Close your eyes for a moment and just imagine the exhilarating feeling of loving yourself and everything outside of you so much that your whole being is shimmering and light. What about it? What are we waiting for…?

M: (sigh)

END.

Enjoy the sweetness.

Love to you all,
J

Romance - Part One

2009-06-20T14:57:00.005-04:00

I have been in a bit of a funk recently. Blame the weather. Blame the dog, the toddler, the wife, the job, the economy. Whatever. I found this inspiration for my next blog in a folder on my computer desktop called Writings. Not remembering what it was I opened it. The following conversation was transcribed from a workshop Meg & I gave a few years ago and we were discussing what romance really meant. In reading it over the funk I’ve been in lifted like the fog on the harbor this morning – just burned off from the relentless shine of the sun. Sometimes I need to remind myself of what the hell I’m really doing here. I share part of this transcript with you now. Enjoy.

J: Do you see how romance is everywhere in life? Unless you are just are a hardened person, or a criminal, or someone who has been so abused by the dream of the planet that they are cynical. We aren’t looking for cynics. Ok, so they’re cynics. Go enjoy it, have fun with it. I am looking for the romantics of the world. Closet romantics. Those people who dream of their beloved coming to them and taking an orchid and stroking their entire body with that flower. Wearing a light cotton kimono, a Japanese robe on a hot summer night and feeling the thrill of their lover as they untie the knot that holds it together. And slowly that kimono falls and parts. And it’s like mystery. It’s like looking up at a starry night in the middle of summer and the mystery of life. Don’t you see that? And in the parting of that kimono and the touch of his hand on her hip. Romance. Right there. And anyone can have it! Large, small, white, black, fat, ugly, gorgeous. It doesn’t matter. Romance is not a physicality. Romance is an inner quality. And it’s how you look at it. Everything is romantic. Everything. The walk in the morning. The dog walk in the morning and the smell of the ocean and the caw of the seagull and the light breeze blowing your hair and you feel like life is making love to you. What could be more romantic than that?

M: But how do you teach that to someone?

J: You teach it by showing examples. How do you learn anything in this life? 2 + 2 = 4. How do you learn that? They show you. They give you an example. They write the number 2 and the plus sign and the next 2, the equal sign and the 4. There is great romance in this world. Shakespeare has written some of the most romantic sonnets. Things that will blow your mind. There are books – The Bridges of Madison County – people scoffed at it. Why? Because they are cynical. They don’t believe in romance. I cried. I bawled my eyes out like Richard Simmons when I read that book. Poetry. There is great poetry. Poetry that a book called These luminous Things and there are poems in there from around the country. Rumi. Have you ever read Rumi? I grow moist when I read Rumi.

M: You’re supposed to go hard.

J: I grow hard when I read Rumi. Listen there all these great movies. Don Juan Demarco. Watch that over. You teach people the basic thing that you are going to teach people has nothing to do with romance and has everything to do with them. Who’s going to give you the opportunity to be romantic? Am I going to wait for you to be romantic with me? No. I’m going to be romantic with every aspect of my life. Brushing my teeth, brushing my hair, when I look in the mirror I don’t judge what I see. I love what I see. That’s where the romance begins. So. You have to start with people and their beliefs about themselves. It does come back to that. But you don’t linger there. You don’t spend tons of time. You say, “Look it’s your choice.” You want to feel differently about yourself, then just try it. Humor me in the next two days during the workshop, I want you to just put it on like a mask if you have to and wear and believe in it. Don’t have any doubts and don’t worry about what happens when the seminar is over and you go back to your life. Just be right here, right now in this moment and take my hand and I will lead you on the most romantic journey of your life. Are you ready?

M: I’ll sign up!

J: And this is how you do it. And it’s like a virus this romance, think about it. If it spreads, think about the romance that will be going on all around the world. People are having romance with their pets, with their parents, with their friends, with their co-workers. Every moment for each person is a romance and it’s not what you think it looks like. It’s not always someone coming and saving you, for women, or the knight on the white horse, chivalrous, and strong. It’s not going to look like how you think it’s going to look. But I guarantee you with the eyes of the romantic, everything is romantic in this world. Everything. Standing on the stoop with someone that you are so attracted too. You’ve just gone on a beautiful date and you’ve had an amazing meal, great conversation, had a bottle of wine, and you just feel like you are full. Full of love, full of romance. And you walk her to the door and you take her right to the front door and there is that beautiful moment where you are pausing, she’s pausing. And you’re not wondering, “Do I kiss her?” You’re thinking, “This is such a beautiful moment. I want this moment to last forever.” And suddenly you feel each of your bodies leaning towards one another. Your lips reaching for the other’s lips and you kiss and that first kiss is remarkable. It’s like fireworks are going off. That can happen over and over again. I’m here to tell you it happens over and over again. And that’s all. You say good night then. It doesn’t have to go any farther. You stood in the moonlight on a cold fall night saying goodnight to this person you spent 4-5 hours with. And you give the gentlest, the tenderest of kisses. And your lips touch and they melt together and then they come apart. And in that coming apart is like when you take a spoonful of honey and that last little strand of honey goes into your tea cup. Do you see? That’s enough. You don’t have to go upstairs. You don’t have to rip your clothes off. All you have to do is see the romance in that moment. And that carries the next time you talk to that person. The excitement. The giddiness. The childlike energy that you are feeling in your body is beautiful. That’s romance.

And I'll tell you that we do diminish romance once we have obtained what we think our goal is. This is the key. We always think that the goal is to possess the other person, to have the other person, to have certainty that they want to be with us forever, that we want to be with them forever. They're the one. We're the one. Their in-laws are nice. My parents are nice. It's ridiculous. That's not the goal. The goal is to keep that moment, that kiss where you separate and the honey, the strands of honey between your two lips are pulling apart gently. That moment and I'm here to tell you this, that moment is pure romance, I've experienced it and I know it to be true. For me, it's true. That moment can exist permanently between two people

M: But some people would say that that doesn’t sound like real life.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Love,
J

I Promise You'll Be Enlightened in This Life

2009-06-17T21:03:00.003-04:00

My oldest brother emailed me an article this morning about finding a spiritual teacher. The author of the article studied with Kalu Rimpoche a Tibetan Buddhist lama who passed away in 1989 at the age of 84. He was a very famous guru with many followers. Reading this article that was sent to me kindled memories of my own journey on the Tibetan Buddhist path.

The title of this blog was actually said to me by my guru at the time, Sonam T. Kazi. Or “Mr. Kazi” as the majority of his students or Sangha called him. (Sangha: group of followers of a particular teacher and belief system). The exception was a handful of “senior” students who had been with him since his arrival in the United States in the late seventies. They called him Sonam. Anyhow, I had been studying with Mr. Kazi for quite some time. Being a good carpenter and a faithful student I would spend almost every weekend of the year working on his property in upstate New York. After one particularly extensive project was completed he took me aside and smiling said, “I promise you’ll be enlightened in this life”. I was stunned by this comment. Having all of my faith (ok, Faith) wrapped up in the Dzogchen practice of Tibetan Buddhism, and all of my time and energy and beliefs also invested in this path that comment certainly got my attention. Here was my guru (ok, Guru) who we all (the Sangha) believed was the Buddha himself telling me, a humble carpenter, that I was going to reach that penultimate goal in this very lifetime. Wow! My mind in those days was still a mess of superstition, drama, limiting beliefs, and fear. Sure, I had glimpses of clarity but I was about as close to reaching enlightenment as I was to playing a round of golf on the moon. (Ed. Note: I hate golf.)

I was also very familiar with the trials and tribulations of millions of worthy (certainly even worthier than myself) seekers willing to wait for the next life or if not then, ten lifetimes in the future before being fortunate enough to accrue enough good karma to reach their final attainment. How could it be that I was to be singled out for this wonderful attribute? And how could another human being even guarantee such a thing?

“You have to do everything your guru tells you only as it pertains to your spiritual practice.”

What I discovered was there was quite a bit of belief wrapped up in that little dumpling of a blessing I received that day. And more than a garnishing of self importance. (Ed. Note: I have noticed the amount of self importance in oneself is about equal to the amount of insecurity in oneself). I certainly was operating under the assumption that this person, my guru, knew what was best for me, and knew the most expeditious way to the top of the mountain. In giving away all of my faith to him (Faith) I was also giving away my discrimination. The argument here goes like this: if your teacher is the Buddha himself, then what place do I as a mere seeker have for discrimination? Isn’t that what got me in trouble (see: lifetimes of suffering) in the first place? So in giving up my ability to make choices based in “how does it feel” and relying on “what should I do in the name of Realization” I followed post haste on the instructions given me. Not all of those directions were just based on my spiritual practice. Some were clearly mundane, physical and from my point of view then however, they were all designed to release my attachments to how I thought things should be. In retrospect I’m not so sure. Looking back on it now I felt like a leaf in a swift river.

Is this confusing? Maybe so. But it’s like this: I handed the keys to another human being and said, “you drive my life”. That was my choice since no one held a gun to my head. But I also saw how dependent we all became to letting someone else direct our movie. Certainly at the time I did not recognize that much of my compliance was based in fear; the fear of going against the Dharma, disobeying the Guru, letting down the Sangha, but in retrospect it was. Could another person really bring us to that ultimate destination? And what was that place really?

I came to see as the years went by that there are many teachers, guides, angels, lamas, gurus, yogis, friends, pets, ex-wives, and children who have SO much to show and teach us. But they cannot manifest Happiness inside of us. Yes, they can point the way. They can describe the view. They can inspire us to climb even higher. They can mop our brow and dry our tears and wipe the snot from our nose. They can hold us like our mother did. They can motivate us like our father did. They can break our hearts when we glimpse their humanity. They can show us enlightenment is in fact still chopping wood and still carrying water. Still cleaning a shitty diaper. Still making poor choices. Still stumbling and yet still dusting our sorry selves off and climbing onward. And maybe we learn along the way to be able to let the mind go and merge with our own Heart, the Infinite.

I look back on the ten years I tried my best to be a good chela (student). I see my teacher in a whole new light now 20 years removed from his feet. I look back on it all as one looks at the progress of a child learning to walk – a mixture of gratitude and wonder that they did and a feeling of I’m glad that’s over with.

Now I know how to walk. Am I enlightened as promised?

Hey, can anyone hear that sound of one hand clapping I keep hearing?

What?

J

Kung Fu Dreams

2009-06-10T08:15:00.003-04:00

"Because a man can see, he does not look." — Master Po.

I’m sure most of you read about the passing of David Carradine recently. The details and speculation around his death were more and more revealing as the case went on, starting with suicide, and ending up as an auto erotic act gone awry. If you type his name on Google you will learn everything you never wanted to know about the man.

For me I will always remember him as Kwai Chang Caine the humble yet capable Shaolin monk. He was a Buddhist monk who kills the emperor’s nephew (for killing his beloved master – I know that’s being a bad Buddhist) and flees to America and the wild, Wild West. For the three years that show aired (1972-75) I was glued to the TV. I was 14 years old and idolized this character. He was gentle and soft spoken, yet always sublimely aware of his surroundings. When pushed he could diffuse a situation with a minimum of violence, and typically with his bare hands. There was no gratuitous bloodshed and over blown firepower like ninety-nine percent of what’s on TV now. Watching the show you always knew he would run into some heavies and there was going to be a showdown. Yet the way in which he used his skills had no ego attached to it. He always helped those less capable, and usually the underprivileged. He was also very cool. He grew his hair long. He played the flute and carried very little in the way of possessions. He wandered the western landscape in bare feet. He practiced his art form daily.

In fact I was hooked by the portrayal of this solitary monk wandering from place to place sowing peace and harmony. For me the desire to study martial arts and eastern philosophy had its origins in this TV character. How cool would it be to disarm a bad guy and be the quiet hero? What freedom to be able to go wherever you are called to go with no attachments. To meditate, to do tai chi by a flowing river, to never stay long enough in one place to put down roots.

Six years later I found myself doing my best to live this dream. I applied to a school called the Blue Poppy Chi Kung Association who according to their brochure “was dedicated to training Knights without armor”. Sign me up! So my buddy Val and I left NYC and headed to Boulder for the summer of 1980. I was 22 years old.

For an entire summer I ate, slept, and breathed the Caine dream. I walked around Boulder in bare feet, I practiced Chi Kung daily, bathed in Boulder Creek, and spared with Val on the lawn of the public library. I carried a wooden samurai sword on my back wherever I went and Val carried a wooden staff. We went up to the mountains and tripped on mushrooms. We danced and drank until the bars closed and then went to the all night diner and ate breakfast. We barely slept. We studied Chinese medicine with the founder of the school. We practiced kung fu by a flowing river, the occasional homeless guy wandering through our class and no one flinching as he weaved through the group. We stood for an hour in horse stance with our master, no one moving a muscle even to swat at a pesky fly or the master would yell at us. I know I tried my hardest to integrate this dream that was born years earlier watching a TV character that I fully believed was real. The truth is I was human too.

I left Boulder that summer to pursue a woman I had been living with in NYC who now was living with some older (28!) guy in Portland Oregon. There was some tension as word filtered back to my girlfriend that Val & I were hitchhiking to Portland for a showdown with her new boyfriend. In fact it was all hype. I think a bunch of pool furniture ended up in their swimming pool in a drunken act of defiance. I’m pretty sure Val had to fish it out by himself as I had driven off into the night to sleep off my hangover. Anyway.

My point is we are all human and the images of perfection don’t always synch up to what we live in the course of our daily life, or the choices we make in the moment.

David Carradine was not the TV character he played in 1972. In my mind he would have led a quiet contemplative life finally settling down and meeting a good companion. Maybe have a few kids. Teach them his art. Be the old wise man. Then fade away peacefully. Yet his last act was laid bare for the entire world to see.

Yes there is a tinge of sadness that a hero is exposed as human with real foibles. And yes there is another tinge of sadness that that young man that moved to Colorado with hopes of being the next Kwai Chang Caine put away his sword and put on shoes and found a job and pursued some kind of security.

There is no bad in that of course. I just wonder if the dream of who we might be and the reality of who we are will ever merge. Is it possible? Can the fantastic and heroic image and the everyday ordinary image blend together so as to lose the distinctions? Can we live the way we know how in our heart of hearts and satisfy both divisions?

Is there a way to live nobly? And to die nobly?

Master Po: Close your eyes. What do you hear?
Young Caine: I hear the water, I hear the birds.
Po: Do you hear your own heartbeat?
Caine: No.
Po: Do you hear the grasshopper that is at your feet?
Caine: Old man, how is it that you hear these things?
Po: Young man, how is it that you do not?

See you out there on the road, listening.

Peace.
J

Unconditional Love

2009-06-06T16:51:00.000-04:00

I heard this phrase while sitting at a table at an outdoor café in Portsmouth NH a couple of days ago. I was people watching and relaxing after a few hours on the Triumph, and not really focusing on what was being said around me. It was a warm sunny day and lots of people were gathered in the main square. Out of all the various garbled conversations that were going on I heard this phrase “unconditional love” loud and clear. I have no idea in what context it was being used but I heard it as if the person who said it was sitting at my table. And that’s all I heard.

This actually happens a lot to me. I will hear a word in a conversation nearby or in a song while driving and listening to the radio. The way I see it the Universe, aka LIFE is dropping a hint, or maybe a simple reminder.

So what do these two big words mean? For me they represent the gateway to Freedom. A door to Happiness. Not necessarily freedom without responsibility. Or not necessarily giddy happiness. But in essence real emancipation from our beliefs and stories that keep us small and limited. The happiness is contentment really; being fine with “what is” – no matter what it is. Unconditional. No conditions to our direct experience of Love.

Love. That one all inclusive word that can heal, inspire, make whole, and transcend the petty.

More often than not I forget that I once signed up to live my life in unconditional love. And yet even in forgetting I remember even more how much I love this life one hundred percent. The sweetness, the challenges, the yearning, and the acceptance. I may not like what shows up sometimes. I may actually go into resistance. But just under the surface of those experiences there is deeper place I can go to. A feeling that is so powerful. A way of living that is so expansive.

What if?

What if our hearts pumped nothing but Unconditional Love?

What would that be like? What world this world be like?

Pretty cool I bet. Even cooler than it already is…

Later gator-
J

Tonight's Weather Forecast

2009-05-27T19:13:00.001-04:00

Look (for those of you who hold me to every day writing). It was a holiday weekend and I stayed far away from my office and hence my computer. Then I got sick from either:

A) some nasty bout of allergies (which up until now I have successfully avoided in my life)

B) some heinous on again off again lime-green-snot cold.

C) a weird flu which I will call the rodent flu (why further malign pigs at this point?) where my body temp was actually 3 degrees lower than it should have been. I call it the rodent flu because you feel like a rat hell bent on just surviving by any means necessary. (Ed. Note: NOT Hanta Virus)

D) All of the freaking above.

This past SaturdayI rode the mountain bike for 3 hours. Next day spent in bed. Had a great Memorial day with the family and a loooong ride on Speedy, next day in the office my head starting drooping at 7am and by 4pm I was asleep and I must have slept about 22 hours. Whatever, all life keeps going anyway. Nobody really cares besides so I don’t expect sympathy for slacking off and not posting any bloggishness…

So? Here it is:

Tonight...Cloudy with a 50 percent chance of rain. Near steady temperature around 50. East winds 5 to 10 mph.

Thursday...Rain likely. Near steady temperature in the lower 50s. East winds 5 to 10 mph with gusts up to 20 mph. Chance of rain 70 percent.

Thursday Night...Cloudy. Rain likely...mainly in the evening. Near steady temperature in the lower 50s. East winds 5 to 10 mph. Chance of rain 60 percent.

See what I mean? It's almost f-in June!!! Don’t mind me, I’m just a reflection of this wacky New England weather. Hey! Anyone got a job in Encinitas California? I can drink coffee, check the surfcasts, keep the bikes happy and write. $100k/yr and I’m in.

I do miss wearing flip flops 364 ½ days a year truth be told. That and the killer burritos washed down with a Pacifico at Las Olas…ahhh.

Ok, Ok. I’m going back to bed.

Love y’all.
J

Remembering As If They Are Gone

2009-05-21T17:01:00.001-04:00

I had a dream the other night. In the dream I was with some friends and someone asked me about my mom and I said she was no longer with us (don’t panic anyone – she is healthy as a horse and due to be around for at least another 80 years…). More than anything else though was the feeling of that emptiness knowing I could never just stop by her house and say “hey mom”, or ask her to come over and hang out with her grandson Bodhi and then have dinner with us. The enormity and finality of her being gone hit me like a sucker punch in that dream. I was shaken. And what I woke up to was how each moment I spend with her, each interaction is precious.

Really isn’t it that way with everyone? When was the last time you looked through the eyes of total adoration and appreciation for ALL the people in your life? The ones that stress you out, the ones that soothe you. Your beloved, your co-worker, your parents and siblings. The total stranger who just cut you off in traffic. And what about us. I mean you. Will you ever know how precious this gift called Life is? Do I? Yeah sometimes I do, other times I forget. But truthfully that awareness is always lingering just below my consciousness and doesn’t take too much effort to once again remember.

I recalled two things this afternoon before I dashed out of my cave (office) and met Meg & Bodhi at the beach. First, it has been almost 48 hours since my last blog (44 actually) and I promised to write each (and every) day. I know I lied. Get over it. The second thing I remembered is how 6 years ago I met a woman who took my world and gave it a good shake. I met my beloved. And I remembered today how much she means to me and how much I love her. The passage below is something I found while in a mild panic as I was searching old writings I could sneak past the blog nazi and insert as a recent post. I thought it was totally cool to dust this off and offer it up as a remembrance to live like one day we’ll be gone. Here it is. It’s for Meg, but really for us all.

I remember the day I moved from Encinitas to Escondido to join you on our path together. It was pouring rain. Normally I would be bummed about not only moving, but that it could possibly rain on moving day.
Remember when you’ve begun relationships in the past and there is a sign or a feeling that somehow this isn’t right, or meant to be, or won’t last – just a feeling so subtle as to be unrecognized? I always had this with other relationships at the beginning. I never saw it as it flew past. Eventually it would be the downfall of a relationship.

That rainy day in Escondido, unloading a large truck at the end of the driveway, while dashing an arm load of stuff to the garage, I remember a feeling that was strong, and new. It was a feeling that this was right – this moment, this experience, this choice of being with you, was just so perfect. I could see you through the big picture window, sitting on the couch in the living room, talking on the phone to a friend. You were watching me get wet. I was watching you stay dry, and in that moment I saw myself being so authentic, so full of life, and pleasure. I had no feeling that you should be helping, or a feeling of injustice at you staying dry while I worked. I loved that you were comfortable…

That was the moment I saw how completely different I felt with you, and how completely myself I felt. I knew our togetherness was right, was blessed, was in harmony…
I felt it then at the beginning, and I feel it even more now after almost 2 years (ed. Note – it’s six years pal). I am so completely in love with our life, our dream, our love, with me and with you.

Just like being soaked from the rain, each drop a blessing, each drop saturated with love.

I adore you Megzy, long time and right now.

What if you turn to someone right now after reading this and say “thank you’!!!

Thank you for being you and in my dream. I love you.

Sweet dreams to you.

J

The Reinvention of Me

2009-05-19T21:06:00.002-04:00

I promise to write each and every day.
I promise to write each and every day.
I promise to write each and every day.
I promise to write each and every day.
I promise to write each and every day.
I promise to write each and every day.
Etc. Etc. Etc. times 100. (that's for you Syl!)

Am I a liar or what? How can I possibly write each and every day? Is it possible? I have no idea. But let’s find out. It has been over a month since my last blog and I think I must have lost the handful of faithful readers by now. Or maybe I lost them long ago anyway. But listen I really am writing for myself anyhow. I love the clicking plasticky sound of my keyboard as I hunt and peck my way through this form of expression. It is music to my ears…

Symbols take shape into words and those words have meaning (we can only hope) and maybe even create a feeling inside as they are read. This is my intent and my way of saying something meaningful out of all the words that escape my mouth and have little or no meaning during the course of my day. I talk a lot in my line of work. I also write a fair amount too all in the form of email. That’s informational writing and the tone is most often lost in that very simple form of communication. Here I attempt to allow the words to convey more than the business at hand. Here the feeling of the message is what is important.

So what’s up you ask? Well it’s funny cause I’ve been thinking about how we continually reinvent ourselves throughout the course of our lives. Or maybe not. Maybe some individuals remain pretty much the same after a while. No major shifts no big “aha’s”. I don’t know how that’s possible but it seems to be the case with so many. But there is another tribe out there that always seems to morph into something new, a better version of itself. Or at least that’s the challenge. That’s what I want to talk about tonight – the ones who have found a way to keep it fresh.

Today as I was walking our dog back home I saw a young man turn the corner ahead of me and walk down the street. Some kind of strange recognition jolted through me. I didn’t know who he was as I’d never seen him before. But he was my build and had very long blond hair tied loosely in a ponytail. As I watched him walk away I had this eerie feeling I was watching myself thirty years ago. That earlier version of Jamie (long hair and all). It was mind altering to watch my former self and feel or better yet, know, what that early Jamie was like. Twenty-one years old and not a bad guy but also not all that aware either. And as I watched I could feel what living those additional thirty more years had done to my inner world. There was still a ton of fire no doubt but it burns slower now and is less combustible if fire can be that way. The love I have now runs deeper and is much less conditional. The dreams I have are so much more fulfilling than the ones that moved me thirty years ago. However in the watching of a former version of me I had so much respect for that young man and his uncanny ability to turn a pile of horse shit into a pony. To keep getting up off the ground to find a way home through the blackness of doubt and uncertainty, through the pain of heartbreak and disappointment. In some ways it’s about being a survivor. And that made me respect that younger me all the more.

I thought of all the self images I adopted to make sense of the world. All the masks I put on that helped me to feel like I fit in. The incarnations of me that were really simple strategies to cope with this thing called living. Being alive. But where was the “real me”? The authentic one? The one who no longer believed the mask?

Well duh, that didn’t happen overnight of course. This lovely gift called day in and day out, the good fortune to stay alive and keep getting a chance to see the sun rise and the flowers bloom and the babies be born and the world get smaller and people get more compassionate and the hum of humanity get more soothing and all the questions get answered and all the love increases and all the masks fall away…

That’s what I saw in the flash of a similar looking human to myself. And in all the reinventing of me I saw a link between then and now. That somehow it all made sense when I saw the younger me and felt the twinge of admiration for the path he took that got me here today. Remarkable, truly remarkable when you ponder it. Isn’t it?

So if you are feeling stuck go find an old picture of yourself. Stare at it hard and see who was it there that got you here? And how many reinventions along the way did it take. And how much can you love what you see. And how much can you love what you are.

Right here. Right now.

Later gater-

J

el sueño del amor

2009-04-14T23:20:00.003-04:00

Last week we took a vacation to Sedona AZ. Not that we really could afford a vacation at this time. My business is extremely slow and I've temporarily laid off some of my employees. But we had booked the tickets months ago with frequent-flyer miles and were depleted from a VERY long hard winter, so we needed a break. Yeah, so that's the story anyway.

You could say that our Dream was in flux. And you could also say that Megs and I were stressed from all the busy-ness in our lives. Writing a book, raising a toddler, running a construction business - all these things are pretty much normal, but we had some unforeseen situations that compounded the stress level and in general Meg & I were acting more like business partners than co-creators of our own expansive reality as husband and wife.

For me I know that I was more and more in resistance to what I was experiencing, and consequently more and more stressed out. The more I tensed up I got, the less awake I felt. The more work I lost to other contractors who were underpricing, the more bitter I felt. In short I had lost my capacity to Love.

Now before you dear readers feel like I "doth protest too much" what with millions of people in similar situations, I have to say that until recently I have been pretty cool with whatever Life threw my way. But now I have become just pissy and cranky. That is until I went on vacation.

Distance from the bubble of our own particular dream can often give us a new perspective on it. Sedona did that for me. It took a few days into our vacation before I began to let go, breathe, relax, and expand. I took a break from the intensity of life here and in doing so gained another point of view. Or should I say rediscovered what I'm here for. Why am I here?

To love. Love. Love it all. And with love comes Gratitude. No matter what shows up - Love it. Sure when things are humming, the economy is good, money is flowing and increasing, it's easy to love. When there is no stress love is no problem. But when things get under pressure, the investments lose their worth, business goes bad, relationships get tested, love seems to slip away. Why? Isn't that when we need it the most?

While in Sedona I had the good fortune to borrow a beautiful motorcycle from my brother and best friend Rick. The bike is a work of art (07 black Kawasaki Z1000 for you aficionados) and Rick and I had some unbelievable experiences on his two motorcycles that week. Whenever I ride I get into this amazing state of freedom and bliss - it truly lifts me in a way that is unique. Rick was so generous in allowing me to take the "Z" whenever I needed to. On this particular day I rode across town to get a massage. After a wonderful hour and half of bodywork I felt open and peaceful. I rode up to this Tibetan stupa and sat for awhile and let myself go. Really just dropping out of my head and back into my heart. I got back on the bike and rode to meet Meg and Bodhi at the supermarket to shop for dinner.

As I was riding to meet them I passed a building that was empty and caught my eye. It looked like it once been a retail store of some kind. On the big picture window in large four foot letters was written the word "LOVE". That's it. One word. And that one word by total chance got my attention as I passed by. Love. What was I fighting? Who was I resisting? Why? What if I simply surrendered to that word. What if I gave all of my faith and doubt, all of my anger and joy, all of my bitterness and hope to that one simple word.

LOVE.

Because long ago I had a Dream of Love. In my dream I could be in a state of love no matter what or who showed up at my door. Complete and utter love. Why not? What do I have to lose? What is there to resist?

That is the reason I went to Sedona. To reawaken to my desire. To let go of my resistance. To embrace LIFE. The Dream of Love is calling.

Can you hear it?

J

Embracing the Unknown

2009-03-19T21:17:00.002-04:00

For me St. Patrick’s Day came and went this year quietly and without a hangover. I know what that day means to so many and I support the celebration. To me that day has a different kind of celebration attached to it now. It is the anniversary of my marriage to Meghan. Well the first marriage. We did it three times actually over the next year. Anyone who truly knows me knows I love weddings so why not three with the one you love? So how did it happen? Listen, it’s a great tale.

I was living in California some years ago and studying with don Miguel Ruiz a Mexican shaman (who wrote a lovely little best selling book called The Four Agreements). He really helped me get to a place I had been yearning for my whole life. His assistance (and also from the unending love and guidance of my beloved teachers Rita and Barbara) got me to a place faster and deeper than all the roads and paths I wandered as a young man put together. It was magical, truly remarkable, and almost unbelievable the transformation in me that occurred in a relatively short amount of time. During this period I wasn’t really earning any income and after almost a year of intensive internal dismantling of my former self I was pretty much broke and in debt. That was ok though as I was pretty sure I could somehow work my way out of that hole. After all I created it so I suppose I could un-create it. I began packing my life up and prepared to head back East to my old home town to begin making money again. Best of all though I was beginning to feel really happy irrespective of my monetary state.

Well just around this time Meghan and I got together, fell pretty much in Love and figured it was a nice romance but short lived. She wasn’t planning on moving back east to cold winters and I had made my mind up there was no other way to extricate myself from my self created financial mess other than to move east. A bit of an impasse you could say. I was conflicted because of the wonderful connection I felt with Meg there in Encinitas and the plan I had created to start working again that meant leaving. Geez, what to do?

(Editors note: Ok some of you may be wondering, rightfully so, wasn't there any work in California? Good question. If you live anywhere in North San Diego County no one works. Surf, drink Coronas, eat fantastic Mexican food and repeat as necessary.)

One of the most valuable lessons I learned after moving to California was the ability to embrace the unknown. I first practiced at embracing those parts of me that were buried inside and had no idea what they were but somehow seemed to control my life experiences. Then I worked on all those beliefs that made Jamie who Jamie was. I practiced letting go of who I thought I was. That was interesting. If I’m not who I thought I was then who am I? Talk about a deer in the headlights! It seemed like every step of the way I was being asked to leave behind what I thought was possible, or what I thought I knew, and enter into the unknown. Most definitely terrifying at first, but the more I did it the easier it became. And each time I released a belief, a plan, a scheme, or event I was holding on to - the outcome was so much sweeter than what I could have imagined. That said, I still could be a single minded stubborn ram (ass). And was.

Now it was the end of February. I was packed up and waiting for the moving van to move me east. I had asked Meg to marry me (having had a “vision” that we were being married by don Miguel and all the elders on top of the Pyramid of the Sun in Teotihuacán Mexico) yet had no plan for how that could or would happen. I was convinced I had to leave and head home to New England. In a conversation with Meg about the situation I found myself in she asked me a simple question that derailed my strong (ok, obstinate) belief that I had to leave California. I said, “honey, there’s only one solution here. That’s to move east and do carpentry again until I work myself out of debt.” “Really?” She smiled. “Really, there’s only one solution? Hum, that’s interesting.” And all of that conviction dissolved right then and there. I found myself going to that place of “I don’t know” going into the unknown where so many answers await.

I see so many opportunities right now to step into that unknown place with regards to the state of our world. So many good souls trying to make sense of what happened, what is happening, and how to fix it. So many uncertainties in the world right about now. What if we could just step into that unknowing place without fear or doubt or hesitation. What if we got so good at it that each time we did so it alleviated our stress and anxiety about what could happen. What if we got good at letting go? Got good at stepping out of our own way. Got really good at not believing ourselves and the news we broadcast in our own mind about how bad things are. Just for a moment we took a grand step into the Unknown…

Well. I did. I lept again with no idea what the outcome would be. And two weeks later, on St. Patrick’s Day 2003 I was married to my beloved Meghan by don Miguel, his son don Jose, and all the elder Dreamers on top of the Pyramid of the Sun in Teotihuacán Mexico. I will for as long as I live never forget that day and the sight of this collective group of beings who let go long ago their limitations about what is and what is not possible.

I will never again underestimate the power of embracing the Unknown.

Each time I do it’s like my wedding day all over again.

Thanks for reading.
J

Winning the Lottery

2009-03-18T11:29:00.003-04:00

Yeah I know. Been absent for awhile from my post (no I’m not depressed Ma). Last you heard I left for Mexico and promised a colorful re-telling of the TRIP. Maybe ya’ll thought I climbed that old pyramid of the Sun with my youngest boy and finally stepped off, was blasted into the ether, permanently merged with the infinite, only to be never heard from again…should we all be SO lucky!!!

Nope I’m still here. And I will get around to telling about that place that turns mere mortals into mere mortals with Plenty of Awareness. But not today. Today I want to let you know I think I just won the lottery.

Let that sink in for a sec. Right about now my phone should starting ringing like the ol’ rotary dial in the cartoons. Silence. Good. Let me explain before all the people I never knew start calling me for a bailout.

I do buy lottery tickets on a regular basis. Maybe because I once got 4 out of 6 numbers. Maybe because I figure a “dollar and a dream” right? In this economy a few extra $25 millon couldn’t hurt, right? Anyway I got to thinking about how money seems to ease so many things, and when the world at large is suffering from a difficult economic crisis it exacerbates the underlying fear that so many of us have: that we don’t have enough. That no matter what our financial status is that more is good, that lots more is even better. But more of what? Is there something that can buy peace of mind? Is it money? Is it more acquisitions? What is it really?

A dear friend and I were speaking recently and he relayed a story to me that impressed me. Lately he had taken a hit both in terms of the amount of work he had coming in (income), and had taken a hit on his portfolio. A big hit. Now this friend has always LOVED money and the acquiring of money. He is “good with money” as they say, and conservative in how he spends it. I always looked at him with a mixture of wonderment and respect since I was never really that interested in making millions or being conservative in how I spent the little money I had. To hear him speak about the dramatic shift in his status in such a calm way really moved me. He had found his life was NOT so much about what sat in an investment fund or an IRA. It was about what he was living right now, and how he was feeling in that “now” moment. He was feeling good.

So this morning as I could feel the cervix of my mind opening preparing to birth another blog, I was thinking about winning the lottery. And how I’ve already won. Not the money part so leave me alone please. But the LIFE part. Look and see.

I’m healthy and fit (ok I’m a F.O.N.), I have a beautiful and loving partner Meg in my life (the REAL lotto score!), two wonderful sons Nick and Bodhi, my Mom Junie lives right around the corner from us and is a HUGE part of our lives. I have two fine older brothers who have given me so much love throughout their lives. I am surrounded by friends who inspire and play with me. I am self-employed with amazing employees that are unique and incredible. I live in an amazing seaside community that feels like HOME totally. I get time to take care of my mind and body. I have the opportunity to travel and be with the ones I love and don’t get to see often. Oh, I even have a sweet dog who is fairly neglected and that I occasionally take on long mountain bike rides and stays faithfully on my wheel uncomplaining.

Do you see what I mean? Would more money change any of this? What if I was wealthy beyond compare yet had a life threatening disease? Or my family life was a mess? I mean take any of the things that are in my life right now and replace it with more money. If it’s about replacing something, no thanks. Sure, I’ll keep playing the Lotto. And you know when I do win, I’ll give much of it away. But right now I’m happy just the way Life is, and what's being delivered to my door.

Humm, maybe I better get an unlisted phone number soon…

Peace.
J

Teotihuacan Mexico

2009-02-05T06:09:00.002-05:00

i had a match,
but she had a lighter
i had a flame, but she had a fire
i was bright, but she was much brighter
i was high, but she was the sky
oh baby, i was bound for mexico

Cake

That pretty much sums it doesn't it? Going to a place that transformed my life many years ago. Now I get to bring my youngest son there too. I'm sure there will be plenty to write about after this trip. Until then, stay warm & healthy.

Lotsalove,
J

Extended Play

2009-01-26T12:09:00.003-05:00

Remember when we were in high school playing the best (and only) video game Pong and…oh wait a minute I just totally dated myself. No Gen X’er here. A Boomer for sure. Yikes! But regardless of how old I am, remember when you got enough points at whatever game you were playing to go into “extended play”? That part of the game where you were given another chance to keep playing, keep amassing more credits to continue on into Unchartered Territory. The excitement of going past the point you thought possible – opportunity to play some more like an unexpected gift. Well that’s how I live these days.

Just about 18 years ago I almost died. Out of all of my numerous near death experiences, this one felt like The End for sure. To make a very long story much shorter; I was on a mountain bike ride with two friends in Montclair New Jersey and the trail we were riding was along the edge of a cliff. I had ridden this trail a thousand times before but never in the direction we rode that day. The trail started at the base of a cliff and wound around to its highest point of maybe 60-70 feet off the ground. We started climbing parallel to the cliff and eventually the trail turned down to the right and towards the woods. Well I’m sure you know what happened next, correct? Yup. I didn’t go right but straight and I fell off the cliff on my bike. I wasn’t sure at what height I was going off at but was pretty positive it was high enough that I was going to die. In the eternity that it seemed like I had before launching over the precipice, I was in total denial about what was going to happen. I tried unsuccessfully to stop short of the edge (I remember thinking how odd it was my brakes didn’t work). At the last minute every ounce of adrenaline kicked in and I stretched out towards a small sapling at the top of the cliff hoping it would hold me. The next instant I was falling. Now everyone thinks you will get a millisecond review of your entire career from birth to that now unexpected death moment. For me everything went black and I felt myself totally relax. For some reason I was aware of the seconds passing as I fell. I hit the ground hard and opened my eyes to see my bike land next to me and continue bouncing down the rest of the slope. I tried to stand up but couldn’t and then fell back staring up at the gray sky. I was alive. At least I thought I was, or maybe I was dreaming I was alive. Maybe this is Death, I thought but why would my Yo Eddy Fat Chance mountain bike be with me in the afterlife? I pondered this until I heard my buddy Geoff minutes later screaming, “O my god, O MY GOD, HELP!!!!” Then I knew I was still here on Earth. What I didn’t know then but am fully aware of now is this: I got extended play in the Game of Life. I fell 35 feet (luckily only midway to the highest point), landed flat on my back and suffered a severed patella tendon (no idea how). That’s it. My bike suffered a flat rear tire and 3 weeks later I was riding the same bike with my right leg in a cast hanging off to one side as I pedaled around the yard lefty. Also, what I didn’t comprehend then and I definitely do now is that I got to do things differently this time around. It didn’t miraculously happen in one near death instant, but those things that I had been wishing for my whole life coalesced in a split second that rainy July afternoon. Let’s say the seed of those things I yearned for were planted that day and it has taken time for that seed (for me really) to grow into the life I yearned for. It has happened, and I am forever grateful for that day years ago. It woke me up.

I got to thinking about that day of my “second chance” after reading about the US Air flight that crash landed in the Hudson River. How beautiful a story! How totally miraculous that no one perished, and that even the relatively few injuries were minor. Those passengers and crew on that flight have been given extended play. I’m sure each person had the feeling that this is how they would die as the engines kicked out right after take off. To die in a plane crash. Not many stories of grace and survival with regards to air travel. Yet they all survived. They were able to walk away. Now who knows how their minds will interpret that outcome. But when Death has been passed over for more Life the opportunity is enormous to make something more out of the time remaining. To see the gift in living on, to see the opportunity to make choices that serve those things that really matter. And that may look totally different for each person, but are no less important. As a survivor myself the only advice I might offer those passengers of the US Air flight is this: do away with the limiting beliefs of what it “should be” and live like you know what matters most to you. Life has added more time to the Game. Play with abandon and love and tremendous gratitude.

I’d like to add a caution here to those who have not survived a near death moment. Don’t go hucking yerself into harms way or take unnecessary risks (unless you’re an adrenaline junky) just to find out what’s important to you. It can be found by sitting quietly in your favorite chair. Or taking a walk in Nature. Use the endless opportunities available to each of us to evaluate what’s most precious to you and go live it.

Go on, go live your Dream. How sweet it is when you finally do…

J

Revolution

2009-01-21T09:20:00.006-05:00

“You say you want a revolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world
You tell me that it's evolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world…”
John Lennon

Ok, I need to insert a disclaimer here: I am not a very political person. Why? Simply because I feel like it’s biz as usual in Washington and it doesn’t really matter who is in office the machine keeps humming along. That said I’m all about transformation and growth and CHANGE. So yes I was glued to the TV for the better part of the day yesterday.

Did you feel the incredible energy generated by the inauguration? I felt like someone slipped me a dozen Red Bull’s with an espresso chaser. Watching Obama take oath and be truly presidential was captivating. Watching how he and Michelle and their family interacted, how real and natural they presented themselves filled me with hope. Hope that the time for a real revolution has come. Not the social revolution but the inner type where substance trumps superficial, where people roll up their sleeves in unison and say “let’s do this together”.

Please read Thomas Friedman’s Op Ed piece in today’s New York Times for a beautifully written piece on what’s next.

nytimes.com/2009/01/21/opinion/21friedman.html?_r=1&em

See you at the revolution.

J

Found Your True Love? Now what?

2009-01-19T20:54:00.001-05:00

So how’s the relationship going on after 6 years? I can honestly say it gets better every day. There’s a huge difference between what I’ve experienced with Meg and what my past relationship experiences have been. So what’s the difference?

Awareness.

One word. And that one word makes it special. Awareness of what? Awareness of all the limiting beliefs we have about Self, Love and Relationships. So if you know what you’re believing is keeping you miserable why keep believing it? WHY KEEP BELIEVING IT!!! OK, if you say so…

Listen. This isn’t about some miraculous colliding of two distant stars whose paths happen to cross at just the right moment. This is about two people who had the grace and fortitude and crazy luck to have experienced some really heart wrenching experiences and were able to grab hold of a lifeline and drag their sorry asses to shore. That shore being the ability to see what denying emotion does to a heart, that shore that allows feeling to be expressed without self judgment and condemnation, without prejudice. When was the last time you looked at yourself in the mirror and said “I love you.” Doesn’t it usually sound like a litany of what you see and don’t like? Too old, too fat, too ugly, too poor, to dumb, too plain, too unlovable? What in god’s name is served by that kind of self judgment?

Nothing. And so the finding your true love has absolutely nothing to do with looking outside yourself, and everything to do with saying to yourself – “damn dude, you’re the bomb”. Or “I am a mother-effin goddess”! Without conceit or arrogance, but just plain conviction of what is TRUE! We are perfect in our uniqueness and if we only knew that, really KNEW it then we would find someone to really play with in this life and be truly happy if that’s what we wanted. Drop all the insecurities and Life has room to move, to expand…

That’s what Meg and I do and it’s easier than riding a bike. Why would I project my insecurities onto Meg, why would I share poison with her, why would I create undo DRAMA with her? Why would I put MYSELF through that, let alone another person? I don’t. We don’t. That’s the Secret if you ask me. The SECRET is to use what is as available to us as air – AWARENESS.

It just takes a little practice. And the result can be as magical as the most poignant and unbelievable fairy tale. Yet it is real. Totally attainable.

The coolest thing is we have created a being out of this place of awareness (Bodhi Quinn Gilroy) and he is the reflection of so much of US together and yet is completely his own little monster.

Oh, try this: parenting with awareness. Good luck! Oh man is that a blast. Bodhi will find every loose stone inside you and send it careening down the mountain. Or not.
You see with awareness comes CHOICE. But that’s for another blog for another time…

Until then go find your true love. What are you waiting for? Go on. GO!

J

Find Your True Love Now - Part 2

2009-01-18T20:30:00.003-05:00

It’s been snowing pretty much all day today. I shoveled earlier and just went out now to clear the walkways at our house and Junie’s driveway one more time before calling it a night. I couldn’t resist walking through the woods with Gorda before heading home. It was so beautiful – the snow covering all the branches, the trail deep and slow going. The further I walked the happier I became. What a gift to be able to have a few minutes in a winter wonderland with my dog. I came out of the woods and walked down a snowy empty street towards home feeling a sensation overwhelming my body. It was Love pouring out of me and releasing into the cold winter night. I was remembering six years ago when Meg & I had the very same vision sitting on a bench in southern California. Listen to this story. This is Part 2 of true Love…

I had planned to move back East after 9 months in Encinitas, California. I thought I would stay there forever, I was so happy. Unfortunately I was out of money and knew by returning East I could work in my old home town as soon as I got back. Meg & I had been friends but nothing approaching a romantic connection. Definitely a mutual attraction but a long shot for us to ever get together. For one I wasn’t really looking to be with anyone. I was enjoying raising Nick as a single parent and was coming to terms with some old stuff that was impeding my personal growth and was happy to be dealing with all that after so many years. I was OK with how things were – even that I was leaving SoCal. Anyway Meg and I had agreed to meet for breakfast a few days before the moving truck was to come and haul my life back to New England.

We met and went to breakfast and talked and talked like we had just resumed a long conversation. It was timeless. From there we went to one of my favorite places on this planet – Swami’s Garden at the Self Realization Fellowship. I mean this is literally the Garden of Eden. It is so beautiful it defies words. Go see it sometime, you’ll get what I mean. There is a bench that overlooks the ocean a few hundred feet below. Occasionally dolphins swim the break there. Usually there is a collection of surfers waiting for the perfect set. Meg had never been to this spot and I could tell she liked it. We sat on this little stone bench like an old couple, feet flat on the ground and our hands in our laps. We both closed our eyes and slipped into an altered state – a Dream if you will.

I don’t know how much time passed but a security guard came and asked us to leave because Meg somehow ended up straddling me and we were informed that was not appropriate behavior at the SRF garden. We apologized and left.

We then drove down to Moonlight Beach and parked my truck and sat staring out at the ocean. I said something like, “I had a really strange dream back there.” Meg said “me too”. I said, “what did you dream?” She said, “I dreamt we were getting married on top of the Pyramid of the Sun in Teotihuacan Mexico”. I was blown away because I had the very same dream.

Later that day I asked Meg to marry me. To my utter amazement she said yes without hesitating.

I knew I had found my “fully shining woman” at last.

Tonight as I walked out of the snowy woods I felt like I had come to the place in my life where I was totally happy and content, yearning for nothing. That feeling was overwhelming and essentially indescribable….but it all comes back to that moment on a bench in a garden when Love and Life merged and something so powerful was born.

Tomorrow, Part 3.

Blessings for the New Year.

J

Find Your True Love Now - Part 1

2009-01-17T19:22:00.005-05:00

I feel like writing about relationships right now - maybe it's the approach of Valentines Day. Who knows but bear with me. These next few blogs will have a thread to them. Hang on. The woods are snowy and my mountain bike is dangling from the rafters. What else is there to write about besides?

I have been checking out my oldest son Nick's blog (nickgilroy.com) and am in awe and amazement that he writes about finding the woman of his Dreams. He is so young and has yet to experience loves longing, or loves heartbreak. If I had my way he never would have to go through heartbreak like his old man did (multiple times mind you). If I had my way he would discover the brilliance of his soul mate his first time up to bat. He would find that "fully shining woman" in some serendipitous meeting, some chance encounter and fall totally and permanently in Love. Maybe it's impossible, I don't know. Maybe it will happen for Nick. God knows for me it took half my life to get it right. Don't get me wrong. I've loved many women, even married a few, and felt that soul connection often throughout my life. But it wasn't until I met Meghan that I knew completely and without a doubt I had found the "woman of my dreams". Let me share a story. Nick figures very prominently in this fairy tale...

About nine years ago I was recovering from yet another round of heartbreak, and consequently raising Nick on my own. His best friend Speed was basically living with us and we were house sitting for some friends and totally living the boys life. I had started dating again and was on the lookout for someone to connect with, be in relationship with, and to help my broken heart mend. I know, bad strategy, but I'm a slow learner. Anyway one night Nick and Speed and I were sitting around the dinner table finishing up when my computer alerted me to an incoming email. I got up and went to my office in the next room and checked it. It was from this woman in NYC I planned to spend a weekend with. We had set it up that I would stay with her at her apartment on the upper East side. Well her email asked where I was going to stay during my visit. I couldn't believe she was doing that at the last minute after inviting me to stay with her and I returned to the table mumbling about how fickle women can be. Nick (being sensitive to his Dad's moods) asked what was wrong. I said something like, "I just don't get women...". The words that I'm about to write are exactly what came out of his 10 year old mouth.

"Dad it's like this: you meet these women, and go out for awhile. Then you asked them to marry you. And it's fine for awhile and then it doesn't work out and then you get sad. Why not have fun and play around until you meet that fully shining women. Then you will know she is the one".

I was blown away and sat stunned for a minute. I looked over at Speed and his mouth was open too. Nick was just looking at me kinda like Yoda looked at Luke in the swamp. I jumped up from the table knocking over the chair and ran to my computer and wrote down what Nick said.

I didn't really need to write it down though because I will never forget the seed he planted in my brain that day. And as I sit here writing this I am filled with wonder and awe because I am married to that "fully shining woman" and she is the mother of Bodhi, and a mother to Nick too.

Tomorrow I write about meeting that woman when I least expected it. And in retrospect it was as if our lives were on a crash course - destined to come together and live like Love was all that mattered...

May all of you reading this have found, or may find, your true love now.

Peace.

J

New Years Eve 2008

2008-12-31T18:06:00.002-05:00

I felt it important to add one last blog for 2008. I’ve been in a kind of “holidaze” recently and just haven’t felt compelled to write. I can hear some of my beloveds groaning at that last comment. I know that I’ve been MIA but that’s OK. I still have plenty to share and more to say. Will you stay tuned in 09? I hope so.

Today however is the last day of 08. Another wonderful year has come and gone. Filled with so much living, a little procrastination, and a whole lot of love. It was, as they all are really, a fine year. I made every attempt to end this year on a high note. So that meant getting up at 5am, assembling my mountain bike gear, loading the bike in the truck and heading off to a 7am client meeting. As soon as I was finished with the meeting I dialed my buddy and brother in arms Jimmy and told him I was on my way to the woods. He and Moon (the man) and Takoda (the dog) met me there and we headed out just as the snow started falling. It was cold and silent except for the crunching of our tires in the leftover snow from the last storm. What a sweet ride we had. Up and down, crossing streams and hopping logs. The snow made the roots and rocks slicker than usual which forced me to relax and let the bike slide finding its own way. Sometimes the more you fight the more you fall and today I let the elements determine my line – and stayed upright as a result. Sometimes in Life it’s when we relinquish the need to force things and control situations that we make a really simple discovery. The trail becomes one continuous thread of ups and downs, obstacles and challenges, and yet we stay calm and focused – totally relaxed and in the flow.

Today in the woods was one of those days. We paused in an old growth Hemlock forest to catch our breaths and appreciate the quietude. The last day of another year that for so many has been filled with tremendous stress and worry. As I exhaled watching my breath in the form of vapor disappear into the snowy sky I set loose a heartfelt wish:

That this coming year be filled with such an abundance of all good things for all living beings. May their lives be filled with joy and peace. May every and all their wishes come true starting today. And as I let this intent go I felt all those good wishes manifest inside myself – coming right back to me. Thank you is all I can say right now.

Thank you and blessings for the New Year.

J

Written in Stone

2008-11-21T10:54:00.001-05:00

I woke up this morning thinking about epitaphs. I don’t know why, or if something in particular triggered it but as I went about my morning ambulation I kept wondering what if you could live your own epitaph? If you knew someone was going to write about you after you were gone, how would you live, and what would they say as a result? What kind of life did you lead, what sort of person were you?

And knowing all this how would you live? What choices would you make? Would you smile more? Would you be kinder? Would you have more patience? Would you take better care of your body? Your mind? Would you complain less? Would you remember to say thank you and please? Would you take out the garbage un-reminded? Would you stop to smell the flowers – literally? Would you hold the door, or let someone go ahead of you in traffic? Would you pick up the phone and call someone you care about and say “I love you”? Would you give away some of your money to charity, or someone less fortunate? Would you take the time to look someone in the eye when you meet? Would you truly care about what someone was telling you? Would you feed on drama or would you promote understand and compassion? Would you choose no matter what, Love over fear?

What if every day you awoke you did so with unlimited Gratitude? What if you forgot you would one day no longer be here or that someone was going to eventually inscribe some simple words on a piece of granite attempting to sum up a whole lifetime of experiences? What if you just lived so totally in the moment the way you want to be remembered?

Living like when the curtain comes down, you’ll be serenaded with wild applause and calls of “bravo, bravo, well done…!”

“Before my last breath”, right? What’s holding you back from being so totally you in every way you imagine?

Nothing’s written in stone just yet, right? So venture forth dear readers and live your epitaph!

Have a great Friday.
J

Passion, Muddy Legs, and Blue Sky

2008-11-18T21:09:00.002-05:00

It’s been a while since I can say that I had mud on my legs and actually appreciated that fact. You see I went for a mountain bike ride Sunday afternoon. The last time I was off road on a bicycle I lived in California. That was six years ago. My old ti bike has been transformed into a rigid forked, slick tired city basher that can pull a Burley trailer with baby. The cold weather has arrived suddenly and riding a road bike in weather like this sucks. You need a thousand layers on and even then your fingers and toes freeze. I am a warm weather roadie. Riding the rollers indoors is an exercise in will and focus and patience. I started thinking there had to be a better way to keep riding my bike outside until the snow started falling.

I had a brilliant and simple idea. I’d buy another bike. Mon dieux! Not another bike! Yes add another to the stable of 3 now 4. So a friend of mine sold me his full suspension bike that he never rode and was in virtually showroom condition (thank you Chris!). I opted to just do a mellow tour around town since my lower back has decided that after 50 years of playing stunt man it’s rebelling. (Ok at this point in the story those of you who are asking why someone who is ailing would throw a leg over something that is meant to subdue terrain that most people would have a hard time walking. You are smarter than me. So stop reading this instant. Those of who you who love watching someone about to do bodily harm to themselves – keep reading!).

As I pedaled around I felt pretty good so I decided to ride in a section of woods that we (the old bike crew) used to ride regularly. 8 years ago I knew those trails intimately. I steered the bike onto the trailhead and it all started coming back to me. I found myself knowing what corner was next, what line to pick, and when (thank gawd!) to dismount and walk it (don’t tell anyone though). The further I rode the more my love of riding off road began to resurface after a long disappearing act. An hour into my rediscovery I found a large rock in a clearing that looked good to stretch out on. I did some yoga there on that rock to keep my back loose. And then I lay back and looked up and breathed deeply.

The sky was a brilliant blue and the clouds all puffy white. The only sound was the wind and nothing else. A hawk raced overhead on one of the wind gusts - so effortless and inseparable from this place. Feeling the sun warming me on such a cold day felt restorative. I had never in all my years of riding mountain bikes just stopped and relaxed and appreciated the place I was in and the expression of solitude. We used to race along these trails on a mission and with total focus. A competition with either ourselves or each other. Today it was just me appreciating the moment.

A few crows passed and landed in a nearby tree. They had a conversation going that was probably about the hawk. I smiled listening to their song. I stretched a little more and gave thanks to this place and this moment that I was able to stop and appreciate the passion I rediscovered.

I finished my ride in the woods and rode home on the road feeling calm and clear and re-energized. I looked down at the mud covering my legs and on my new bike and smiled. I took the time to play and get dirty and loved every second of it. Mountain biking used to be my favorite sport. And on this blustery Sunday I got my mojo back.

That felt awesome. So here’s my advice. Go play and find your passion. The time is most certainly now…

Keeping the knobby side down.

J

A World in Transition

2008-11-05T21:12:00.003-05:00

Last night something amazing happened. Some might call it a miracle. Some felt as if their prayers had been answered. And still others felt the despair in their hearts loosen as they watched this unique American spectacle called Election Day. It wasn’t even close this one. The hope and desire for real change manifested itself in the man who won the election by a landslide. The snapshots of Americans who voted for Obama were varied and diverse. The images of people, yeah just people of so many colors standing as one were spectacular. But what struck me the most was the reaction from around the world.

The photographs of citizens from places far from this American soil showing their optimism and joy for the new president to be were beautiful. It blew my mind. It reflected the connectedness that we all share – the oneness of humanity. It was as if color no longer mattered (when really did it ever?). It was like we finally grew up as a civilization. And the man on the TV screen was one of us. No more idiotic swagger and insipid rhetoric. Someone who was going to think ahead and plan forward – looking to the future and yet dealing with the now.

If you get a chance look at the slide show on today’s New York Times website of the worlds reaction to Obama’s victory. It brought tears to my eyes. I thought of my sons Nick & Bodhi and felt for the first time in a long time that maybe just maybe the world they are inheriting will be one based in awareness and love. A world where “change” is not a four letter word, where that simple yet profound word (CHANGE!) becomes inherent in the worlds vernacular and inspires new choices and new directions.

Right now I can feel the transition occurring in my own emotions and within my own body. Something is going on and I can feel my resistance has been in play for a while now. I find that some days I'm all over the new ways I've been expressing myself in the world. Then there are days like today where I fall prey to the "shoulds" and "can'ts" and the feeling of being stuck. Whether it's trying to shift the old way I run my business or the familiar way I hide myself behind my mask. It's the same story. The choice is really simple and really sweet. Keep resisting; keep holding tight to the old model. Or?

Fall in step with the transition, open my arms to the changes going down and let it happen. Last night the world was blessed with an opportunity. Climb aboard that train, cause change is gonna come…

It is indeed a world in transition and I for one am liking what I’m seeing.

God bless and Godspeed.

J

Laughter & Tears

2008-10-30T16:26:00.003-04:00

I just checked out the New York Times website to see what was up in the big wide world today. Ouch. Slowdowns, recessions, markets in turmoil, global violence, job layoffs…you get the picture. Oh one piece of great news: Exxon posted a record 58% jump in profits. Thank god somebody is doing well out there.

No I’m not the cynical type. I was in my early youth. 18 years old and smelling bullshit a mile away. Distrusting of the status quo I sought the alternative path, mostly out of reaction (as opposed to real conviction). I fought against authority, bridled against convention, and found solace in the writings of Hesse and Camus and Kesey and Chuang Tzu and Dee Brown and The Beats. I slept on the ground a lot, hitch hiked across the country numerous times, and relied on the kindness of others more than not. I saw the world back then as an adversary and not a worthy one either. I felt like the things that were “wrong” with society (or civilization for that matter) were inherited. I had no say in how they came to be – war, poverty, recession (depression), hunger, inflation, unemployment – all that suffering right? I was not remotely responsible for the world in which I found myself living in. Right?

Or was I? Or am I?

Today I left a voicemail for a sub-contractor friend of mine disguising my voice in a heavy eastern European accent. It’s kind of a running joke we have where I pretend to be this client trying to track him down. As usual I got his voicemail. In the middle of saying something very funny (and very unprintable) I lost it. I started laughing so hard my eyes welled up with tears and I had to hang up the phone. You know the feeling you get when that happens? It is most definitely a feeling of expansion. Just the physical act of laughing is a release. After I hung up the phone I leaned back in my chair and felt even better than I had before I made the call.

So what if we are the world? What if the inner state of being is what drives the outer reflection? What if in the face of collapse we can summon the courage to laugh? What if the drama the world is churning out is only as powerful and impactful as we make it? What if we just laughed in the face of it?

What if we could access that place in all human beings where humor lives? Where lightness exists? Even if it’s just for a moment, in the middle of the day, in the middle of being in fear about your job, or your mortgage, or your portfolio, or your children. What if we all started laughing again? What would happen if the laughter turned to tears turned to laughter again?

Would we affect ourselves in a good way? Would we affect the world? Maybe then our interactions with our neighbor, or co-worker or loved ones might reflect that lightness of being. Maybe the whole globe sets aside its collective drama and starts laughing.

Because to me the funniest joke is that none of us are getting out of this alive.

So what then? Do we take ourselves so seriously with that fact in mind? I know I don’t.

So the next time your feeling tweaked make a prank call to a friend, or watch your favorite comedy, or do whatever it takes to help you feel like it’s just laughter & tears.

J

Anywhere You Want To Be

2008-10-19T17:08:00.005-04:00

Today I had a bit of epiphany. Occasionally that happens to me. An ordinary experience, a normal day, nothing in particular can occur and yet…let me take you there.

Today Meg and I packed the car and headed north with Rita and Ed and of course Bodhi. We went to a farm stand and bought some veggies. Bodhi pulled a wagon around the farm the entire time we were there. From the farm stand we went to an Audubon sanctuary that I hadn’t been to in a while and hadn’t shared with the gang yet. There is a really cool stone formation there that reminds me of Ireland and the incredible rocks and energy in that country. This spot definitely had something mystical about it and it felt like somewhere other than Ipswich, MA.

We all really enjoyed that spot, especially Bodhi. He ran around the paths that wound through the rocks and tunnels over and over again. He gets so excited by being in Nature, even taking these blissful little gasps of breath and saying, “woods”. Too cute I know. But it gets me seeing it fresh from his POV and like I too am seeing things for the first time.

It was a windy cold fall day today and we got back in the car ready to eat some lunch. For some reason we all wished we could transport ourselves back to Italy for a warm delicious meal. We even called a couple of local Italian restaurants on our way home. They were all closed and the Bo Man was nodding out so we decided to do take out from the local chowder place and put Bodhi down for his nap at home.

So here’s my point: we created Italy right in our dining room. We took the take out food and put it on nice china. I made a roaring fire in the fireplace and opened a bottle of Chianti. We had cheese and olive spread and delicious bread and wine. Meg poured olive oil on a plate and added garlic and pepper. We ate some of Ed's homemade dark chocolate for dessert. We laughed and talked about writing and business and dreaming. The fire burned in us all during this gathering and inspiration joined us in a toast to Life.

And before we knew it we were in Assisi cozy and warm and sated. It was that simple. To top it off Nick called from Assisi itself and we got the laptop out and went on Skype. He was in his favorite café and he and Ed spoke Italian together. We laughed some more and it was good to see Nicks smiling face. It was the perfect conclusion to a splendid day.

So where do you want to be? Where would you like to go? Isn’t it all a matter of perspective, of desire? We all had this collective urge to be in Italy for lunch and lo and behold there we were. We wanted to experience a magical place and there we were in a circle of huge boulders – as much a power spot as anywhere. So what is it that makes us think we need to go anywhere to experience happiness or inspiration? Why do we usually believe it exists outside ourselves? What if in reality we are that inspiration, that mystical magical place we seek somewhere else?

Where you want to be in any moment is up to you. It is in fact that simple. You wanna be happy? Then go there. You want to be moved by a beautiful place? Then close your eyes. You wanna be inspired by the extraordinary? Then go open those beautiful eyes and see what’s right in front of you. You wanna love someone? Then throw you arms around yourself.

You wanna be in Italy? Stop by sometime. I’d be happy to show you a little hole in the wall where the service is sublime and the food heavenly.

Ciao, ciao-

J

Finding the Balance

2008-10-15T21:04:00.004-04:00

If you read any major headline these days the worldly turmoil is evident all around us. I don’t pretend to be a political or economic analyst. I’m neither. But I have been observing my own internal chaos recently and I can’t help but see the parallels between the outer and inner. Between the world at large and my own little world between my ears.

I’ve been in a bit of a personal recession lately. Physically battling some nasty lingering cold and feeling like my lower back could collapse any time I bend over. The experience of feeling physically like crap and the challenges of growing and shifting a business that is directly tied to the economy and people and their money has me somewhat tweaked. There is some sort of internal transformation going on in me. I’m getting the opportunity to see those things that work and those things that haven’t been working. The old way vs. the new way. For some reason it’s taking a lot of energy and focus to stay in a good place mentally. The ironic thing is my current state of upheaval was preceded by tremendous personal growth. Isn’t it a natural occurrence to experience contraction after expansion? Doesn’t Nature create the same conditions right here on our little planet Earth? Tonight I saw the opportunity to return to balance.

Being an Aries I love the “either or” point of view. I love the extreme of bashing something repeatedly until it crumbles or saying fuck it and walking away in frustration. Could it be a sign that my horns are getting worn down that I can glimpse a life spent in balance with the “extremes” losing their polarizing effect? Just as the stock market has swung wildly of late, I too have known these crazed emotional pendulum like movements. But what I’ve come to see is that when I believe those wild extremes less and less, I swing less and less, feeling more at peace and centered. The result is I don’t sweat stuff as much. I’m more open and receptive.

Everything comes to a balance point eventually. By walking in balance within ourselves maybe just maybe we affect the world around us. Maybe the world in its current state of un-equilibrium slowly comes to reflect those of us who are committed to being in balance. The outer world begins to reflect the inner world. We are tossed less and less by the world and it's upheaval.

The feeling is one of steadiness. So hang on. The ride can be exhilarating (or not). Especially right now. However I am taking the middle road tonight. Letting the left and right do their thing. Hey speaking of that I forgot there is a debate happening tonight. Wow! Talk about EXTREMES!!! Gotta run.

Later gator-
J

Coyote's Last Day

2008-10-09T20:32:00.002-04:00

Today I was privileged to witness the end of a life.

I had been feeling like there was something a little bit different about the day ever since I woke up. The urge to log on to the internet first thing and follow the descent of the stock market had lost its appeal. My interest in the world had waned this morning. Plus I was out of the office most of the day. I had a number of morning appointments with clients and then had to drive to a job we’re doing out of town about 20 miles south.

On my way back home I decided to stop by REI which was right off the highway and return some things I had purchased last week. As I was driving there a state trooper flew past me with lights and sirens then pulled off the next exit which was the one for REI. Traffic slowed as a result.

This exit dumps out onto a rotary (roundabout if you’re European – and a mystery if you’re not from Massachusetts). I could see another local police cruiser that had pulled over to the side of the road and the two police officers were looking in the grass at the edge of some woods. At first I thought maybe a motorcycle had misjudged the turn. Then I saw him.

He was lying like a dog would with his paws in front of him, and his body slightly curled. His head was up and he was looking straight ahead. He was panting but not out of fear - just like he was a little thirsty. Today was a hot day for October.

Traffic was moving slowly as people tried to squeeze their car past the angled cruisers. As I passed by I looked at this beautiful large coyote lying there as if everything was fine. I looked into his yellow eyes and was immediately altered by what I perceived. This was his last day and he knew it. I mean he totally understood that this was the end, that there would be no way out like so many near misses before. This is where he would stay. I don’t know how to convey what I felt as I witnessed this coyote staring back at me for a brief moment. It blew me away. He was a warrior.

I continued on my way to REI. After about 20 minutes I was back on the rotary and passed by the warrior. He was spread out and lying on his side. He was dead from a single bullet to his chest. I saw in a flash what had happened. He was hit by a car and came to rest in the tall grass, his hind legs broken. Someone called it in and the police came quickly. Coyote’s conjure fear around here. They are not welcome in suburbia. The local policemen (who was in a K-9 cruiser – I could hear the dog barking wildly as I passed the first time) un-holstered his Glock 9mm. He walked slowly to the coyote and got within five feet of him and took aim. As his finger slowly compressed against the trigger the coyote looked straight into his eyes knowing this was the final instant of a life lived free and wild.

The noise from the pistol sounded loud and foreign in this populated place. The yellow eyes never blinked. Coyote tried to take one last breath before seeing the sun and the sky and this earth for the final time. The life was ebbing out of him.

And then he was gone. Gone back to Life. Another cycle completed.

Good journey to you my brother. You died a Warriors Death.

I am honored to have been a small part of your last day.

Good journey to you my friend.

J

If You Were A Light, Where Would You Shine?

2008-09-29T21:00:00.004-04:00

As with most Americans (and more likely most of humanity) I’ve been watching the financial turmoil over the past few weeks pretty closely. I don’t claim to understand its intricacies or even the best course to chart to find a way out of it. Was it a bad thing the market plunged 777 points today because the House of Representatives failed to pass the bail out proposal? Was it scary? Are the implications and repercussions yet to be fully experienced? I don’t really know. As I mentioned I’m no expert on the economy. But I do know a thing or two about CRISIS. And isn’t that what we’re supposedly in right now? That’s the word being used over and over again to describe how people are feeling. In crisis.

When I review my half century on this planet I see many similarities in my own experience to the economic shakedown happening now. So many times in the past I made choices that were not necessarily the best choice long term and suffered greatly when it came time to face that choice. I am talking financially here. I would get over extended and then have to get bailed out. From a place of desperation I begged help from the outside sources – family, friends, business associates. I never made the connection to being bailed out until many years later. It facilitated me repeating the same behavior that put me in the pickle in the first place. Live beyond my means, get bailed out, give lip service to repentance, repeat step one. (Please, please, please do not think me so simple minded that I neglect to acknowledge the real hardships faced by many humans as a result of this current situation – I absolutely do – but let me continue knowing that). So what happened?

Well one day I woke up to see that geez – I created the same situation I’d been creating for many years – look at that! Then I had a bit of an epiphany. I made the connection for the very first time that if I created the dire circumstances I was presently facing, then I MOST CERTAINLY could un-create them. No bail out required, no benevolent hand reaching down to wipe away my pain, no begging, cajoling, pleading required. Just the simple profound realization that I had the power to create in a new way.

Ok, I’m not talking $7b large. But I am talking about “reality”. I was in trouble not that long ago. I made a shift in my awareness – meaning I made a new choice of how to interpret things – and everything shifted. The debt shrank and eventually disappeared by my own doing. The perception of abundance changed too. I saw there were other things that brought happiness to my life besides the acquisition of money or nice things. A word trickled into my consciousness and as a result my every day vernacular. Ready?

Gratitude. Yep. No matter what showed up for me, I was grateful. And slowly, gradually, eventually the things that showed up no longer became “good” things or “bad” things – they became a chance to get to know myself better. Better how you ask? Sure. Better because I no longer REACTED to things. I felt them in my hands and feet. In my belly. I breathed them in, and exhaled them. I didn’t run out of fear from any of it. And what happened? Bamboo happened that’s what.

Bamboo? If you’ve ever seen bamboo growing it’s pervasive and it spreads like the weed it is. That was gratitude for me. It had a life of its own. Before I knew it things I would have deemed disastrous in the past I think of with a sense of gratitude now. A major crisis? Another shot at gratitude.

Who am I to know what lesson is be gained through the challenges in my life? Would I be the same man I am today without them? Doubt it.

So what about this economic crisis we’re in right now as a country and a planet? Maybe it’s something to shake us up. To shift an old model of unhealthy relationships and the way we used to make money into a new improved one. I’d suggest less energy in bailing institutions out and more energy into creating lasting and sustainable connections that are based in the faith and the unlimited power of who we are as individuals and then by default collectively as a civilization.

Maybe in this collapse is the opportunity to rebuild a new structure that has real integrity. I know for me that was the case when my final bailout never came. I learned something about myself that I never had – that I could bail myself out. I don’t posses a crystal ball and I’m glad for that. But I can assure you of this. Check your fear. By all means feel it. Then ask yourself this: what do I want to feel right now (not later)?

If you were a light where would you shine right now?

If you’re struggling for a feeling, or a place to shine try this: GRATITUDE. It will get you through. Let me know how it goes.

With so much respect,
J

Run Fat Boy, Run

2008-09-25T11:49:00.002-04:00

My apologies in advance to anyone who is offended by this title. But I’m sure you’ll get over it and here’s why. I watched a movie last night by this name. Pretty predictable, sometimes funny story of redemption set in London. The main character is not really fat per se (just a decent paunch), he’s just a slacker who has put his demons out of sight which essentially keeps him from being happy and living the life he wants.

I saw a great deal of my former self in this character and maybe a little residue still there in my current self. Y’all know by now I love stories of redemption and transformation. To me that’s why we’re “here”. Not to live like a rock, static and unchanging (sorry to you rocks out there), but living engaged, flowing and inquisitive and unafraid to shift a point of view or belief (sometimes seemingly as solid as stone).

Without giving away the plot for those of you about to put it at the top of your Netflix cue, a marathon is used as a metaphor for the main characters inability to finish anything. When he is tested he tends to run the other way. How many times have I done the same thing when faced with situations that are unpleasant or choices that no longer feel good? Lots of times, suffice to say. But I’m getting better at letting myself hit the wall so to speak and not feel like it’s insurmountable, or even wondering why I’m still hitting walls after all these years of self improvement. A wall is an opportunity.

So as I watched this movie I was struck by the constant give and take Life offers us. Sometimes it takes things from us and we are devastated. And sometimes a gift is bestowed in the form of a challenge. By accepting the challenge and the gift we get a chance to unveil the real present - a chance to know ourselves better, to bust through that wall and to see that what is on the other side is so much more powerful than the wall itself. With the faith that we have in Life, in ourselves, we get better at finding our stride and maintaining it. And when we don’t find our stride – like this week for me (sore back, sore shoulder, bad cold, and not at all into working) – we’re ok with the chance to say alright, I can deal with this right now. It’s not forever and it’s not the end of the world.

Like running a marathon, there will be moments that feel really difficult. Yet by putting one foot in front of the other the finish line is reached. I know, I know this sounds like pablum, but sometimes those simple truths are there for a reason – they make sense. This week has been tough for me. Yet if I listen to what my body is saying and really listen, then I’ll rest. I won’t get everything done I wanted to. I won’t be the Johnny-on-the-spot general contractor. I won’t ride my bicycle this week. Instead I might even sleep during the day. Oh well.

You know what? I’m still in the race. I’m just pausing. Taking stock and listening. And best of all I’m not running the other direction.

Ok I gotta say it again. Run fat boy, run.

Have a great Thursday. And enjoy the run!

J

Nick

2008-09-22T11:07:00.003-04:00

18 years ago today Nicholas Kai Gilroy entered the world. I remember that day like it just happened. He was born at home, with the mid-wife missing in action, and me having just arrived from working on a carpentry project that Saturday. After timing his mother’s contractions I figured I still had the opportunity to shower and shave and welcome our baby without the days dust on me. Barely out of the shower and half shaved, he started to emerge! I had no time to think about what was happening - he was ready to be born. Thank god I watched all those birthing videos in our Bradley class of Peruvian women popping out children and then going back to work. Easy right? I’ll never forget that moment as he slid into my hands and then gently onto our bed and the wonder in my voice as I said “it’s a boy”.

And what a boy he was and now I can say what a man he is! Nick is a total joy and always has been. An amazing companion; a kind and thoughtful son. Funny, beautiful, smart, driven, helpful, loyal, athletic, spiritual and real. The total opposite of me at 18 years old thank goodness. It’s like he filtered out all the bad choices and distilled all the smart choices into living an amazing dream called his life.

His mother & I split up when he was 5 and for a time my world was very dark without him in it on a daily basis. At age 8 he came to live with me permantly. For the next 6 years he was my constant companion and my fellow adventurer. He watched me go through a number of relationships. He saw me fall. He watched me get up again. He accompanied me on a spiritual quest to California and was more adaptable that I could have ever imagined. We had the best time together out there and both grew from the experience. Nick learned through my travails how to transform the things in a life that are no longer working and to do so without tremendous drama. I believe his witnessing his father go from devastation to real happiness inspired him. It modeled for him a way to be and he has taken that baton and gone even further with it at such a young age.

I understand all parents are supposed to be proud of their children. That’s natural. But if you met Nick you would immediately see how special he is. I certainly don’t take credit for that – he deserves that. Yet I do know he is loved wherever he goes. From his Russian family - his mom and step father, half sisters, grand parents, extended family all now in Italy, to my side of the family – my mom and brothers, Bodhi, and Megs family too. It seems everywhere he lands is home. He is truly blessed.

So Nick, happy birthday. It is an important one. May you continue to evolve and expand as a human being. May you continue to make good choices. And when you don’t may you modify without too much drama. May your dreams become real. May you always love yourself and attract love to you.

I am beyond proud to be your father. My love for you is limitless.

Dad

Tom Brady & Thulsa Doom

2008-09-08T21:02:00.004-04:00

“Now they will know why they are afraid of the dark. Now they learn why they fear the night.”

For those of you who live in New England you might have an inkling of what those words mean. Thulsa Doom said them to Conan after he was discovered at the Mountain of Power. Yesterday the Boston sports world went suddenly dark with one misplaced tackle on Tom Brady’s left knee.

It was amazing to watch the collective breath of football fans held while awaiting word on Tom’s knee. Both those who love him and those who find him an adversary. Without a doubt a great athlete was dealt an untimely and disappointing blow. His season is over. The world went dark for Patriots fans.

And yet as I have spoken of in many of these blogs Life is full of opportunities. All I could think of when I heard the news was how many of them there are.

Check it out:

For Tom it’s a chance to see how he handles an injury that will keep him from what he loves for this year. How will he handle that reality, what stories will his mind tell him, what kind of beliefs will manifest in his dealings with the media, fans, and teammates? (Is this the end of my career? Will I be as good again? etc.)

For his team it’s a chance to see that football is in fact a team sport. It takes 11 players from each team to play the game. Sure one player can create an impact but is it all about him? No it’s about the chemistry of all 11 players. So the entire Patriots organization has an opportunity to pull together, re-focus and keep showing up to play the game. Just keep showing up for Life.

For the fans it’s an opportunity to see football is just a game. A dangerous game and a thrilling one no doubt. But why stop rooting for your beloved team? Why not have faith and cheer harder? Things happen that are unexpected in games as in Life. Adjust and keep playing, keep moving, keep living. Keep the Faith.

Modify. Adjust. Take the opportunity as a gift. Or not. But the choice still is yours. Sure life dealt a bummer. But maybe that bummer turns into a blessing.

Tom if you’re listening – get down off the Tree of Woe. Go toss a football to your son (gently though). Enjoy this down time. Maybe read the Four Agreements again. Maybe find the open door in front of you…

Blessings to you and yours.

J

Heaven on Earth

2008-08-28T13:02:00.002-04:00

“Heaven on earth means you are absolutely delighted with your life just the way it is. You aren’t trying to fix yourself, manifest more money, a better job or a bigger house. You find the sacred right here and right now. That is also where you connect with the creative energy that wants to express in your life.

Abundance comes as we learn to trust the Creative source inside us. We can’t do that when we are busy finding fault with our lives.”

Paul Ferrini

I love this quote. It totally captures the feeling I want to live my life by. It grounds me to the present moment, opens a channel for gratitude, and invites unlimited possibility into my life.

Tapping into what Paul terms the "Creative Source" I can appreciate everything I experience throughout my day without judgment. So many times my mind will have a strong opinion about what happens during the day to day events. When I connect to this quote I can literally feel a feeling of openness and harmony with everything I'm experiencing.

To me that is Heaven on Earth, right here, right now. And wow, do I appreciate being able to say that and live by that. And maybe I can share that as I interact with my world.

A laugh, a smile, a gesture of kindness. If not now, when?

See you in Heaven.

J

Teach an old dog a new trick

2008-08-21T06:51:00.003-04:00

I know, I know, again with the disappearing act. My sincere apologies. I have no excuse except that the words and inspiration have their own timeframe. Anyway.

I’ve been thinking about the ability to change. To change when things just aren’t going well, or when aspects of our creation (see: Life) no longer feel good either physically, emotionally, or even socially (see: Globally).

How is it that we live our lives so smartly and assuredly and then reach a point when we look up from our day and say, “huh?” "Where did the time go?" Or as David Byrne sings, “how did I get here…?” Or "who am I?" Ok, deep questions for so early in the day but isn’t it just like that? How do we become the catalyst for our own evolution? Or in my case how do you teach an old dog a new trick?

Can’t be done you say? I beg to differ. This old dog awoke one day and saw for a brief moment that I had literally created all the circumstances in my life – including the ones that were at that time bringing me much suffering. In a flash that will always be remembered I looked at my hands and saw that they held the power to create. Create anything. Really? Yes absolutely.

Create a new life, a new relationship, a new business model, a new awareness, and a new sense of responsibility. And all stemming from the inside, on a cellular level. Not running off to the barber, or the Gap, or the gym, though those changes are fine if you want to. But more of: how do I want to feel each moment (good) and how do I achieve that immediately? How do I stop making decisions that adversely affect the quality of my life and make new ones that inspire me to feel harmonious and content?

Just a warning: old dogs can certainly put up a fight while learning new tricks. I think that’s normal. But if that old dog has the desire (THE DESIRE!) to learn a new trick then that’s 90% of the battle. In my case I peeled off any layer that felt constricting and uncomfortable. I tried to get down to what was real in me, to make friends with whatever happened in the past, and be present for whatever was happening in the moment. It was not an overnight transition but one that took nurturing and care. One that took a little patience.

Teach the dog something new, and then give him a little reward – a biscuit maybe – to let him know he’s going in the right direction.

I recently read an interview with Jeff Swartz the CEO of Timberland (September issue of Fast Company magazine). What a fascinating guy. All about bringing social awareness to every aspect of his very large company. At the end of the interview he speaks about looking at the creative power in our own hands and the recognition that that power IS in our hands. I love that sense of responsibility now. That unlimited possibility in the openness of our very own hands.

An "old" friend who lives out west left me a VM late last night on my cell phone. I could hear the emotion in his voice as he spoke about some difficult changes going on in his life. As I listened to his message this morning the word opportunity kept popping up in my mind. I can’t wait to talk to him later today.

I love seeing an old graying dog learn a new trick or two.

Woof.

J

Oh Eight, Oh Eight, Oh Eight

2008-08-08T09:59:00.002-04:00

First of all many, many thanks to those of you who supported my ride to benefit The Jimmy Fund last weekend. It was an amazing, inspiring, and moving experience. Plus I had a blast riding my bicycle across eastern Massachusetts. That was easy compared to some people’s stories of survival and loss. So thank you!

Today I’m told by those who know such things is a very auspicious day. Ok I’ll buy that. Even though it feels like any other normal day. I awoke. That’s a miracle right there. I talked to some of my employees, a couple of subs. Dealt with the usual client stuff. Had a chance to watch my youngest son do his breakfast show. Gave a kiss to my honey before she went off to baby swim class. So nothing extraordinary about the day so far.

Except this; in all the mundane routine that fills my day there is this gleam of magic. It has never happened quite like this before. This day I mean. There is a huge space right outside my office waiting to be filled. Sorry Mom but here’s that idea again: the unknown. But that’s it isn’t it? We walk out our door to our same experience but in reality every time we blink it’s something new we see. Or not.

Maybe the opportunity to see the perfection, the grace, the uniqueness that is our existence is lost on us as we plod through life. And so 08/08/08 becomes an opening, a reason to say “jeez this day is something special…” and go about appreciating all that we have.

Tomorrow is the 9th. I think the number 9 is auspicious. I think tomorrow will be quite a special day too.

Meanwhile I am going to enjoy this one like it’s never happened before. That to me is what it’s all about. Create it like never before.

Love ya kid-

J

PMC

2008-07-30T22:50:00.003-04:00

Apologies for the sporadic posts. I've been training for the Pan Mass Challenge, a 196 mile bicycle ride from Sturbridge to Provincetown, MA. That and working a lot make the time to write a challenge. Lame excuse I know but whatever...Syl you still listening? (I doubt it).

The PMC is a benefit for the Jimmy Fund raising money for cancer research. Visit their website (PMC.org) for more info. I'm still accepting sponsors if anyone is so inclined. Just type in my last name and you can donate online to a great cause.

My son Nick has been kind enough to get out on the road with me taking his turn pulling me around at a fast tempo. I marvel at his natural ability and fresh young legs. Maybe next year we'll ride the PMC together.

So think of me and the other 5000+ riders making our way across Massachusetts this Saturday & Sunday. And if you have any pull with the weather gods, 70 degrees, sunny, low humidity would be fine. But you know what? It's New England and it will be what it will be. I am still planning on having fun.

Catch you next week, if not sooner.

Peace,

J

The Heart of the Unknown

2008-07-25T22:47:00.002-04:00

Tonight I had the good fortune to be sitting in a room of aware people. It was a gathering that could have been from a thousand years ago. It was a room full of strangers whom I’ve known my whole life. It was the present looking into the future.

One of the phrases I heard that stuck with me from this night was “the heart of the unknown”. That phrase unlocked these words, these feelings inside of me that attempt to express the wonderment of playing in the unknown arena that I call LIFE.

Think about it for a minute: every moment of every day of every year of our life we are faced with the unknown. From the minute we arrive naked and crying to the last breath we inhale into what will be our final exhalation we have no idea what’s coming next. None. Zero. Not a clue whatsoever. I don’t care who you are or what you do or what strategy you employ to ensure you do know what’s next – you simply don’t know.

We can attempt to create a level of security around our existence and from my point of view if that helps us – cool. But don’t get hung up on trying to bring certainty to every aspect of being alive. It diminishes the magic. See, it’s like this.

I was walking home tonight and feeling the magnitude of every step, the freshness of putting one foot in front of the other without any idea of what might happen next during my walk. Sure I could say I would most likely make it home – but could I really be so sure of that? How do I ever know what’s next? And this is the total gift that is almost invisible to us as we strive to make our world known. This gift that is unfathomable and immense, so much so that our puny brain can’t grasp it! Therein lies the pure irony! What’s to grasp? What’s to fight against, to feel insecure about? To be afraid of? To hesitate being present with? To playing with the I am NOT! To shrink before the unbelievable Love that lives in the Unknown, that IS the Unknown! Isn’t that was God is? Krishna? Allah? Jesus? Buddha? What the sages and prophets and gurus and enlightened beings all have been teaching us? To merge and become ONE, to surrender and become victorious, to let go and BE?

What if in all the chaos and uncertainty that seems to be so prevalent right now in our world, what if we could say: “I don’t know” and by doing so know so completely. Know so securely that it’s all perfect. That with each breath we are doing our part. We are living in THIS moment. No other moment matters. And by taking the Unknown as a lover we become SO intimate with the essence of LIFE.

I look around and see the play. Humans running after assurance. It’s a fallacy.

And that’s totally OK. Sure by all means want it, and then know the Heart of the Unknown is so much more rewarding.

We only have today.

J

Gloom & Doom

2008-07-22T07:55:00.002-04:00

Wow, has it really been 2 weeks since my last post? My mom must think I’m dead even though she lives right around the corner from us and sees me frequently. She pretty much relies on my blog to know what’s up with me. Hi ma! Your boy’s alive & well.

So what’s with the gloom and doom headline? Well for starters there’s been this funky weather front stalled over New England making the skies dark and threatening and the humidity high. Rain, thunder, lightning as a looming presence. And people just seem to always talk about it. That’s one part of the G & D.

The other is the news. Both the kind you read and the kind you hear. The stock market is most enjoyable to observe. Watch the gossip, then watch the reaction. The economy, the fear, the wars, the up coming presidential race, the housing market, the doping in the Tour, the slumping Red Sox. Oh they won last night – cool.

Anyway, I’m not buying it. Any of it. And why would I? Do I need to feed off of the negativity? Do I need to create a place inside me that reflects the headlines or what people share with each other on the street? Definitely not. Do I need to throw a bone to the collective fear that’s running around a little planet?

Nope. And here’s why. It doesn’t feel good when I buy into the hype. Meaning like good inside my little human type of feeling good. So you’re dying to know how to achieve this blissful state?

Here’s a start: take some positive action. Walk your dog. Leave a Love note to your beloved (you, your honey, your dog, your kids, your boss, etc.). Go curl up on a couch with a book. Watch your favorite movie. Call an old friend and say “hey”. Take a 12 hour motorcycle ride and come home smiling and wet. See the freaking glass as half full. But most of all be so grateful that you are here in this moment in this time and you have a choice. A choice to participate in the game of woe. Or play in the game of creativity. That’s really entirely up to you. No one else.

Now is such an opportune time to be in creation mode. Creating something brand new and original inside yourself. Another Shiny Happy Person perhaps.

Or not. The Gloom and Doom is right there waiting…

Mind your attention.

J

Bird of Paradise

2008-07-08T13:08:00.002-04:00

Once upon a time there was a man who loved birds. Over the years the man had many birds, one after the other. He loved their beauty, and especially loved listening to their songs. He would very lovingly care for each bird as best he could, provide a wonderful cage for them to live in, good food to eat, and sweet water to drink. The man would love to come home after a day at work and talk to his beloved bird, and ask her to sing a lovely song for him. And each bird he kept would sing so perfectly because she loved the man so much. Yet each bird the man brought home eventually died, and not from old age. He would come home one day and the bird would be simply dead in its cage. The man was always very, very sad afterwards. He would mourn the loss for a long time, sometimes for a year or more before he would find another beautiful bird to keep. The last bird the man had was so beautiful and so special that he thought she was the best one yet. She died faster than any of the others though, and after this happened his heart seemed permanently broken. The birdcage stayed empty for a long time after that loss.

On this particular day the man was in a magnificent garden near his home that he loved to spend time in and experience life bursting all around him. He would go there often to sit and dream of the perfect bird and the perfect life together. He sat overlooking the ocean far below him, watching the dolphins play. He was surrounded by the most beautiful plants of many different colors and deep pools of water with the most amazing fish in them. The man loved coming here when his heart was filled with trouble, for by the time he left he always felt so much lighter. He was sitting on a bench in the sun feeling at peace; feeling a sense of serendipity. Suddenly a bird landed next to him on the bench and looked up at him. He had never seen such beauty. She was an iridescent black with the most unusual color under her wings – a vivid pink. She began to sing to him and his eyes welled up with tears as he knew his ears had never heard such sweetness before. His heart was singing now too. He had almost forgotten what that sounded like. The bird and the man sat together for a long time on that bench enveloped in the obvious love they had for one another. Finally the man took a chance and asked the bird if she would come home with him and live together. She said yes.

The man was happier than he had ever been before. For this bird he would make all the best preparations, take the most care, and make sure she was protected and safe. She would have everything she ever needed. He bought the biggest cage he could find, and filled it with all the things she loved. He would ensure this bird was happy and would never leave him. And it worked for a while. The bird would sing for the man in ways that would fill his heart with so much happiness and joy. The man was never more content. He would come home from work and talk to this incredible bird long into the night. He could feel how much she loved him. He had never felt love like this before. He had only dreamed that love like this existed. The man was at peace now, and cherished his life with this bird. For quite some time it was good like this.

Then one day he came home and noticed the bird didn’t sing upon his arrival. She seemed sad, and tired. He tried to fix whatever was wrong, making all the necessary improvements to her cage, talking to her more, spending more time together, and working less. But she seemed only to get worse as the days went by. She seemed to be dying. The man was frantic. He knew there was not another bird like this out there. He would ask her what was wrong and she would just gaze back at him with so much love. He could feel her slipping away. The man knew another heartbreak was coming. He knew this one would kill him. He didn’t know what to do. He loved this bird like life itself…

So that morning before going to work he did something in all his years of keeping birds he had never done before. He left the door to her cage open and his house open to the yard. He never had the courage to do that with the other birds – he was always afraid to lose them, and that they would leave him for good. As much as he loved each of them, he would never trust them to stay. The door to the cage was always closed. On this morning all that changed. As he opened the door to the cage he looked upon the love of his life for the last time. She was asleep. She seemed so peaceful. He whispered, “I love you and you are free now”. Then he left.

Later that afternoon when he returned home he was afraid to look in the cage. In his heart he knew it would be empty. It was. He felt an overwhelming sense of grief and sadness, but also a tiny sense of wonder and love there too. He poured himself a glass of lemonade and went out to his patio to sit and hope the sadness would pass quickly this time. Though somehow now he felt different inside. This wasn’t the usual heartbreak he’d felt in the past. First of all he knew she hadn’t died in her cage like the others – at least now she was free. And because of his tremendous love for that bird this thought made him happy. He knew he had loved her as best he could and that thought too made him relax. He let himself go now. He felt his life shifting in a big way. He could see the open cage inside his house and he began to cry, and cry, and cry, letting all his sorrow slip away with his tears. Then he fell into a deep and peaceful sleep.

As he dreamt, he heard the most beautiful song serenading him. He slowly awoke and realized that she was there in front of him singing sweetly. His beloved. She looked so radiant and alive! She flew upwards singing like never before flying all around his garden so happily. Then she landed on his shoulder and whispered these words into his ear:

“I love you and you are free now…”

J

My Brother, My Muse

2008-07-07T12:08:00.005-04:00

My oldest brother and I play a game sometimes. He'll shoot me an email with some poetry or an obscure passage from an old Chinese mystic. I'll fire something back, and we'll parry on like this for days. My brother suddenly becomes my muse...

See for yourself.

drifting
in
and out of
belief
about
what
Is

possible

two butterflies
dance past
on an invisible
stage
leaving me to
wonder
how
things
got just so

complicated.

J

The Antidote

2008-07-02T06:38:00.003-04:00

Guess what? No dreams of clients or projects. Wow! Maybe it’s because I left everything I had at my desk after working late last night to catch up on things like writing proposals and doing invoices. Thank gawd for Megs and all the help she recently provided to get my business caught up. No way I could do it all without her energy and assistance. Thanks baby. You da best.

If any of you dear readers run your own business you know what I’m talking about when I say it’s pretty much a 24/7 deal. I’m not bitching mind you, it’s just a ton of responsibility to have seven people I’m feeding while figuring out the best way to destroy someone’s house, put it back together nicely and for the amount of money I said it would cost. All while trying to line up more of the same. The trade offs make it worthwhile (don’t they?) yet my mind is pretty much thinking about my business most of the time. However just so you don’t think I need a really long vacation or jolt of 50,000 volts I do find ways to experience other things besides work.

Like seeing my youngest son Bodhi occasionally during my day (big trade off #1 – my office is next to our house and all of my work is very close by – I’m usually home for lunch). Or spending time with him during our nightly bath ritual. In those moments I connect to his world. And what a world he is becoming! Now that he is walking, almost running, the ante is upped. He’s learning words and is not afraid to repeat them all day long. Everything is new to Bodhi. Everything. And when I get an opportunity to connect with him even briefly it takes me back to the moment – currently fresh and alive and precious…

My other son Nick is coming home tomorrow from his year away in Italy. I can't wait to see him. He hasn’t seen his little brother in over six months, which is like dog years when you’re talking about a baby. I'm excited to see the two of them interact and play. Nick is so great with kids and maybe he can share some of his beautiful wisdom and grace with his little bro. Or maybe he’ll just chase him around like the rest of us do.

I plan to play this coming holiday weekend. Play and relax and hang with my boyz. What could be better than that?

To me that’s the antidote to all this very serious work stuff.

Take a moment. That’s the remedy. One fine moment after another.

J

Dream Builder

2008-07-01T06:58:00.003-04:00

I guess this is my week to write about my life as a general contractor since it’s pretty much what I focus on every day. Yup, it’s my job. Last night I dreamt of another client. Just so you don’t think I’m crazed and obsessed I almost never dream of projects or clients. But maybe there’s a good reason I am. Let’s see.

In the dream I was walking with the client and looking at the work that we were supposed to complete and that someone else had been hired to finish. I wasn’t that impressed with the quality but the client seemed happy so I didn’t say anything negative. We walked together for awhile. I kept sensing he wanted me to approve of something - not just the work but maybe him or the process we went through. Actually I wasn’t entirely sure why I was there.

Now I am.

I really like the client I was dreaming of. He’s a good guy, a guy’s guy – someone I could relate to: a father, hard worker, trying to do his best in the world and take care of his family. The only problem is he fired me, or maybe I fired him. Our relationship went south and that rarely happens to me. I really try to treat people fairly, openly, and honestly and most 0f the time have a successful relationship with my clients. This particular client owes me a substantial amount of money. He had to hire someone else to finish his project after I left. The lawyers got involved (so far no resolution many months later) which in 26 years of being self employed I have never experiened. And yet amazingly I feel fine about it. I mean I wish it hadn’t ended the way it did. But it did.

This experience is an opportunity for me to see where I get hooked and if there is still some residue or sticky belief from the unsatisfying way this relationship ended. I can honestly say there was no animosity on my part in the dream (or on his side from what I could tell). For me it comes down to choice. How do I want to choose to feel? Is it worth getting stressed or angry over? Do I want to make the client wrong? Or myself wrong? Do I see my contribution to what the outcome was? Absolutely. Do I beat myself up over it? No way. Why would I? For me it comes down to respect. Respect for the emotions I will initially feel, respect for the way I want to eventually feel, respect for choosing to feel OK about a less than ideal outcome, and respect for how the other person feels.

Here’s the deal: I respect the way the client decides to feel about me. In the past that would eaten me alive knowing someone didn’t like me or thought I was incompetent, or wasn’t happy with me. I truly respect the way I am perceived by others and I’m not advocating apathy or carelessness in my relationships. The ways in which people choose to form opinions are vast and specific to their individual experiences. I learned awhile ago I can’t control that, nor do I want to. At that point for me it’s no longer personal.

My goal in doing this unique business of renovating people’s homes is to promote happiness and create beautiful work. I do have a responsibility to my clients and yet I am not responsible for their happiness. That was what used to hook me. Some people aren’t happy. Period. I will do my best to build a beautiful product. I will also do my best to ensure that the process is enjoyable and provide good communication. But sometimes things don’t go right. I wish that weren’t the case but it still happens on occasion. I try to learn from it, make the necessary adjustments and move on.

I want to be a dream builder. Forgive me if I don’t always get it right. But I love the learning curve and no longer resist it. I’m learning to see every interaction as an opportunity.

Even the ones that don’t end up well. In some ways those are the ones that inform the most…

See you out there in my dream.

J

Renovation Anyone?

2008-06-30T06:40:00.002-04:00

I had an unusual dream the other night. It was about a client who was upset that she had changed the design of her project and felt like she had made a mistake in doing so. Now the project was built, and what was she to do? We were talking over the phone and I could tell she was struggling to get her words out without getting emotional. I thought this a little odd but didn’t have any real judgment about it – I just listened.

As she spoke she got more and more upset and she began to cry. Finally I said what to me seemed like the obvious. I said that she really didn’t have to get so distraught, there was nothing a sawzall and a nail gun couldn’t fix. And you know what? In that moment I said that with 100% conviction. Like talking to someone who was sad it was dark in their room and me saying to them then just turn on the light. She seemed to breathe a sigh of relief after that and then the dream ended.

I mentioned the dream to Meg the next morning and she laughed. Meg in her line of work helps people to make better choices and become happier in their lives. She said if only it was that easy to renovate ourselves just using a sawzall (reciprocating saw) and a nail gun – instead of battling through all our beliefs and learning the latest spiritual and psychological techniques to gain awareness. That got me to thinking about how easy it is to renovate an external structure and how hard it is to renovate ourselves – those internal structures that we no longer enjoy. Fear, anger, jealousy, hatred, judgment, lack of self esteem…etc.

With a sawzall in hand you can cut apart just about anything – wood, metal, roof shingles. By cutting these things you can alter the way a structure looks, remove it and make way for a new change. Change the size of a door opening perhaps, add a sidelight or maybe a transom. Let some more light in. More glass, more transparency.

With a nail gun you can start to put it all back together. No more endless swings of a hammer to wear you out. Just throw a coil of 12 penny framing nails in the gun hook it up to the compressor and wow! Things get put back together quick and easy. Usually too they don’t come apart unless you got a sawzall…

See how that works? What if we don’t like part of our inner experience? What if we worry excessively about what people think of us? So what?! Grab that sawzall, load in a big saw blade and go to town! Things might get messy and be a bit stubborn to cut out but eventually the transformation will happen. Once you’ve removed that old structure go get the nail gun. Build a new structure for yourself, but make this one exactly how you like it. Make it yours. Renovation is taking something existing and transforming it into (hopefully) something better. Using what’s already there but making it more comfortable and inspiring.

I think I’m onto something here. Maybe I should set up a booth outside Home Depot and offer a demonstration of how to rid oneself of an old point of view. How to instead build something wonderful and unique for yourself and then invite people in to see how cool it looks! I could even give away a free tool to each person who stopped by the booth.

Yes! A free shop vac to deal with the inevitable mess that renovation creates. And at the end of the day it’s SO satisfying to vacuum up all the crap our little project produced.

So enjoy! No need to stress! Go grab your favorite tools and express yourself!

Happy renovating!

And don’t forget to watch my upcoming TV show on PBS - This Old Belief System, or the one on ABC – Extreme Inner Makeover.

Humm, I do kind of have a bit of a soul patch like Ty does…but maybe it’s more like chin spinach actually. Nothing a set of clippers couldn't fix.

Time to go to work.

J

Leaving Home - Part Two

2008-06-25T16:25:00.002-04:00

So that first leaving home experience wasn’t so bad huh? I ventured into the unknown and found it to be not so scary. Initially that was the case yes. That year between high school and college turned into a bit of a challenge however. I made some really silly (obviously in hindsight) decisions that led me to some experiences that put a damper on my foray into the unknown. And in the years to come I continued to stumble after that brilliant start out of the gate.

But what would wisdom be without the mistakes and failures to inform us and lead us to a place of awareness if we’re so lucky? That’s the keyword however – inform. If you’re like me, then a hard head tends to batter things numerous times before the way around becomes clear. My lessons came hard and fast. I don’t go quietly – never have. It’s all or nothing, 100% conviction, damn the torpedo’s, screw convention, take the path less traveled type of strategies.

Let’s flash forward a couple of decades, multiple relationships, lots of debts, a son, plenty of scars both emotional and physical, and at least half a dozen near death experiences. Not to say it was all wreckage and disaster – it wasn’t. But underneath my battered facade I was getting tired of repeating myself and getting the same results. What’s that adage? The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result? Something like that. That was me.

Anyway by the time I reached 40 years on the planet I was ready for a change from that behavior. I thought maybe convention wasn’t so bad. Maybe that worn path was worth following. Maybe my head was better off not being used to ram things. Maybe I’d just settle down and live a quiet life of…desperation? Normalcy? Why not I thought. I’m done searching for the Holy Grail of Happiness. Fug it.

Well guess what? Life had other ideas (duh!). Just when I was ready to show my belly I got cold cocked. My heart got broke again and as I sat there in the midst of my shattered dreams and hopes I had a bit of an awakening. Maybe one of those once in a lifetime sparks of self awareness. It was this: ok this place seems really familiar (heartbreak). What if for once in my life I don’t rush to recreate the structure called Jamie so quickly. What if I look and SEE how I might reassemble in a new way. That my fine friends, that little tiny spark ended up burning my whole inner house down. Sometimes in Nature a fire happens to restore order and beauty and balance. In my case that’s what happened.

So dear reader you may be asking what the heck this all has to do with leaving home? Good question. That ignition of awareness propelled me to take a journey that altered my direction for the remainder of my life. However it required leaving home again – my newly adapted coastal home. I had lived here for 5 years and experienced some of the most brilliant and challenging moments of my life. I had found the place I felt like I belonged, people I connected with – a community – a true sense of home. And now I was pulled to leave to go on another journey – one that felt like Life or Death, Now or Never. To move all the way across country to California and a destiny yet to be determined. I knew I had to go, had to against all good judgment leave the Known again for the Unknown. For some reason it felt like my roots were being ripped from the ground and I was dying for nourishment.

I’m not ashamed to admit I cried most of the way driving across country. Cried for the leaving of friends and family. Cried for the sad state called my creation – my life. Cried for being 40 years old and having to take another journey into what? To where?

You got it – the Unknown. But guess what? It was even better than that first time so many years ago. The changes that came about inside me as a result of that leaving home part two were lasting and radically transformational. Life altering actually.

And you wanna know the best part? I came back home. Back to my beloved seaside community when I learned once and for all that all I can ever do is embrace the not knowing and love it.

Wow. I’ll never doubt the Unknown again.

Ever.

Again.

J

Leaving Home - Part One

2008-06-19T21:29:00.002-04:00

I’ve been thinking about leaving home recently. No, I’m not going anywhere. It’s just that I know a couple of young friends who recently graduated high school and it got me reminiscing about the excitement I felt at leaving my own known world behind for the first time.

The first real time I left home (not counting during my senior year when I went to live with my best friend for 2 weeks) was exactly three days after my high school graduation. We graduated on a Friday, had a killer all night/day party at a friends house Saturday/Sunday and by Monday I was at the airport. I was totally primed and ready to go seek my way in the world.

I was heading west like so many pioneers before me. I had seen that mythical, vast, and heroic part of the USA called the Continental Divide for the very first time when I was 15 years old on a family cross country trip. Colorado, Utah, Idaho, Wyoming, Montana. All places that were ingrained in my young psyche by repeatedly watching the old western movies – everything starring John Wayne, anything directed by Sam Peckinpah, and of course the classic and my all time favorite – Jeremiah Johnson with Robert Redford. That movie was to be the template for the life I wanted to live – if not in actuality, then at least in my imagination. I wanted to live far from civilization and all its noise and congestion. I wanted to roam the mountains and live close to the earth. Even taking a Flathead Indian woman to live with and raise a family living off of the land – it all sounded good to me.

So with that in mind and $150 cash in my pocket I headed to LaGuardia airport. My stepfather in his haste to be rid of a testosterone-infused-budding-alpha-male offered me a hundred bucks and a bus ticket to anywhere in the country. I counter offered that with a one way plane ticket and fifty bucks more I’d go. I reasoned there wasn’t much to see between New York and where I was headed so why waste time on a bus. I remember hugging my mom good bye at the gate (yes you could go to the gate back then - no security) and in photographs of that moment that I looked at years later I could see the determination in my eyes to make the break and leave my old life behind. I had my cowboy hat, jeans, and work shirt on. I was totally green. And I was totally psyched regardless. Though if you told me I was green I would have begged to differ.

I’ll never forget flying in to Salt Lake City and my heart pounding as I saw the Wasatch Mountains explode up from the desert floor. It felt like I was in my new home. I took a bus into the city figuring I find a job. But the mountains kept calling me and after checking into my room in a downtown flop house and spending a restless night there with a six pack of Coors and a local newspaper I packed up late the next morning and started hitchhiking towards the mountains in distance.

Barely out of the city-limits a cab pulled over and the driver hailed me. Where are you going, he asked. To the mountains I replied. Wait here I’ll be back in 20 minutes. Sure enough 20 minutes later he pulled up and said hop in. We picked up a friend of his, grabbed some food and started the drive out of the perfectly flat valley towards one of the canyons that led to the heart of the Wasatch. There was still snow on the tops of the peaks visible from the city below that turned pink as the sun set. As night fell we were winding up a narrow canyon road – Little Cottonwood canyon as it turned out. My new friends dropped me off at a large lodge that looked like it grew out of the mountain built from stone and large timbers. I waved goodbye and turned to walk in through the doors of the impressive lodge. A very attractive older woman (at least 23 years old) greeted me with a big smile. I said I had just arrived and was hoping to find work. I asked where I was. She replied, Snowbird. I told her I didn’t have enough money to stay in such a beautiful lodge and was there anywhere cheaper. She said not to worry – she could get me the employee rate since I would most likely start working there soon. She smiled and handed me the room key and wished me a good night.

The room was huge and had floor to ceiling sliding doors that looked out into the darkness. I fell onto the kingsize bed and into a deep sleep.

That morning I woke up late and pulled open the drapes. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The mountain rose out of my view and there were all these people congregating on a plaza at the base of the mountain. I looked closer. The people were all young girls my age. They seemed to be wearing cheerleading outfits. I went down to the lobby hoping to run into the young woman from the night before. Instead there was a really old guy behind the desk (early 30’s). I asked him who all the people were on the plaza. He said there was a cheerleading convention of 500 of the best cheerleaders from around the country staying at Snowbird for the week.

You’re kidding right? Nope. My very first foray into the Unknown delivered me straight to Heaven. On a very cellular (and dare I say biological) level, my leaving home without a clue about how I would earn money or how I would survive was turning out just fine.

That was easy. Or so I thought.

From where I sit now that first journey was in fact easy and yet the subsequent ones became less so. The purity and ecstasy of that first leap soon faded into a place of searching for the known.

Certainty. Comfort. Belonging. Control. The Known soon grew like an all encompassing vine twisting around my wild spirit and constricting it until many, many years later I took another journey.

Leaving home – part two. Stay tuned.

Godspeed amigos.

J

Fathers and Sons Day

2008-06-16T21:02:00.001-04:00

What a lucky man I am.

Yesterday I saw so clearly how truly blessed I am to have two sons. One of them is Nicholas Kai. Nick is 17 years old and a fine young man. He has experienced more in his 17 years than many people do in a lifetime. He is beautiful, kind, helpful, compassionate, smart, a great athlete and a Dreamer. He has seen that this life is his canvas and the choices he makes affects the quality of that art. People are constantly remarking on his maturity and wisdom. I love Nick so much and am incredibly proud of who he is and excited to see who he will become as a man.

My other son is 13 months old. His name is Bodhi Quinn. He just mastered walking. He is an amazing little light. Last night he woke up around 3am crying and hoping to nurse. Meg has been trying to wean him from the “midnight snacks” as we call them and Bodhi has not been too cooperative. So last night I went to his room and picked him up out of his crib and sat down in the rocker and started to sing him a Hopi song I learned long ago. He’s been hearing it since he was first born and gradually his crying slowed and finally stopped. He wasn’t asleep but he wasn’t in distress either. It felt so good to hold him and have him be still and not wobbling off somewhere. His little head on my shoulder. His heart next to mine.

I love the connectedness I feel with these two sons of mine.

On Sunday Nick called from Sedona to wish me a happy fathers day. Last night at 3am Bodhi lifted his little blond head off of my shoulder for a second and said “daaa da” in the softest sweetest little voice. Maybe like he was acknowledging the day too. A few minutes later he was softly snoring.

Fathers and sons day.

I saw a short segment this morning I had taped from half time of the NBA finals where Bill Walton was talking about his son Luke who plays for the Lakers. The joy in Bill was palpable as he reminisced about Luke as a boy. He final words were about his unconditional love for his four sons. That’s it isn’t it? Unconditional love.

Feel it. Spread it.

Be it.

Happy being alive day. Every day.

And to Nickle & Bo Man - be true to yourselves and let your love shine without a doubt.
Love,
Dad

Can You Hear Me Now?

2008-06-04T15:16:00.001-04:00

This morning I was having a conversation with a client. I was on my cell phone and she was on hers. Where her project is located has sketchy cell service at best and when I see I have a signal and make a call I try not to move from that spot. Doesn’t always work though and often I’ll be talking and notice the other person is not responding. I wonder for how long was I going on and at what point did I lose them? That can be frustrating or humorous depending on the day.

Anyway, this morning I lost my client mid-way through our conversation. As I re-dialed her she drove up in her truck. Apparently she was right down the street suffering from her own minimal-signal-bar syndrome and had pulled over so as not to lose the call. Pretty funny the strategies we adopt to keep communicating in the 21st century. How did we live before cell phones? As she got out of her truck I could sense a feeling of inner relief that we could now resume our conversation in person without fear of having it “dropped”.

But even person to person the opportunity exists to have a miscommunication. I think about all the assumptions that get made in the course of my day – especially doing a construction project. Even having things drawn out on a set of blueprints or spelled out in a proposal doesn’t guarantee clear communication. I find myself being ultra cautious these days to make sure those things I’m communicating are understood by the other person. I also make sure I understand what is being said to me.

Sometimes blaming the cell phone is a satisfying albeit temporary excuse for poor communication. Ultimately though it comes down to the individual taking full responsibility for communicating clearly and effectively. I no longer point the finger and say it’s someone else’s bad for not getting it right. I make sure I got it right first now. I make sure that the words I’m using have meaning. That the meaning is understood. That we’re clear with what’s been communicated. I’m attempting to do this on both a business level and on a personal level.

I see the results of the bad communication. Endless litigation and wrangling…

I see the results of good communication. Enjoyable relationships.

The difference between bad & good? The difference is amazing.

Can you hear me now?

Yes I most certainly can. Thanks for listening.

J

The Last Buffalo

2008-05-31T00:15:00.002-04:00

Many years ago I lived in brick building on the corner of Second Avenue and 4th Street in Greenwich Village. I was living there with three dancers from NYU. It was a magical time. It was a time when possibility ran through my veins. It was a time when Life was a merry-go-round. Once on all control was lost and once off the dizziness was overwhelming. It was a time of pushing boundaries and struggling to gain awareness.

In other words it was raw. The scrapes and bruises were real – and I gave as good as I got. 20 years old and living large as possible. In those days my mind was into Lao Tzu and Herman Hesse and Buddhism and the chivalry of martial arts. We ate Szechuan food almost nightly and drank red wine on the stoops. We threw parties and stayed up all night watching the lights go out in the street as the sun came up over the East River.

Yet in my heart I was a spotted pony running across the prairie. The city was not my home. Too much humanity packed too tightly and not enough nature to keep it real. I had moved to NYC from Montana. And I missed the silence and solitude of the big sky state. I loved the idea of being merged with the earth. To me back then the Native Americans embodied that ideal. I wished I had lived in that time when there were no roads except that which a man created in his desire. The land was wide open, the earth full of life and alive. In a way I was trying to live in both worlds while living in the Village.

One afternoon lying in bed after making love with one of the dancers I fell asleep and into a dream. In this dream Manhattan was all overgrown. The yellow cabs were all gone and the trucks as well. The buildings were all empty. I didn’t see any people on the sidewalks. I was standing under the arch in Washington Square park looking north up Fifth Avenue. I could hear a faint rumble in the distance. As I peered up Fifth Avenue I could make out shapes coming towards me. The noise got louder and approaching me was a huge herd of buffalo. They were stampeding down the avenue towards the park. As they moved the vibration was so great that the buildings crumbled as the herd passed leaving huge dust clouds in their wake.

I awoke suddenly and felt out of breath. My girlfriend was staring at me. She asked me what was wrong. She said I had a wild look in my eyes. I started to cry, slowly at first, one tear at a time, then I began sobbing. I’m sure she thought I was having a nervous breakdown. I felt like my heart was breaking. I was trying to say something through my grief. Suddenly I blurted out that they killed all the buffalo. That all the buffalo were gone and were never to return. Now I know my girlfriend was concerned by the look in her eyes. But to her credit she just gathered me up in her arms and held me for a long time while I cried and cried about the buffalo and their untimely demise.

To this day I don’t know why I reacted like that except to say it felt like a memory of a time long ago. It felt like a crack in my soul that light flooded into.

In to a place where I had never been or seen before. My heart softened that day in a place of concrete and steel. It felt like compassion.

It felt like after a hard rain and the sun breaks free. Everything all sparkly and clean.

That warm remembrance of a time gone by…

Thanks for reading.

J

Winds of Change

2008-05-27T20:55:00.007-04:00

A friend sent out today a beautifully written though very intense missive about our nation’s addiction to our current way of life – namely our perpetual thirst for oil and our rampant consumerism.
(Check it out at http://www.spiritrecovery.blogspot.com/ “When the Game is up”). Nicely written Lee.

It got me to thinking about the ways in which we resist change, or in some cases welcome change. What’s the dynamic? What determines why we would resist or why we would embrace that simple word? Change. The American Heritage dictionary on my desk lists 7 different definitions which in my interpretation all boil down to mean – ain’t nothing staying the same baby. Change.

What does that word elicit inside each of us? What emotions does it give rise to? What happens when our beloved says "it’s time for a change?", our boss calls us in and informs us of a “change coming?" What happens when Life let’s us know in usually not so subtle terms it’s time for a change? Why do we so often go kicking and screaming? What if the change that was about to occur was actually for the better? What if our experience was somehow going to be enhanced? Would we still cling so tightly to the way it is? Maybe not.

Why do we when all the signs are signaling it’s time for a change do we not follow them? Sometimes it’s our bodies letting us know something’s no longer right. And yet once we’re feeling better we go right back to the same old habit. Maybe it's a relationship that isn't feeling safe anymore and yet we keep playing there. Why do we so adamantly avoid change? What are we afraid of?

Is it a lack of alternatives? Maybe we know no other way. Maybe the known path even with all its inherent pitfalls is more comforting than taking a leap into the unknown. Maybe that new path is too frightening to contemplate.

For me, change has become like a dear old dependable friend. There to encourage me when needed, challenge me when I’m stuck, and to offer an alternative point of view when I’m hopeless. By now I’ve learned to welcome change. It’s never let me down.

So maybe now it is time to change our attitude. To change our point of view. To see in what way can we make a difference in the quality of Life we are living. Maybe we drive our cars less. Maybe the next acquisition isn’t about something we buy but something we feel. Maybe we are a little more patient with strangers. Maybe we laugh more with those we love. Maybe we believe in ourselves again. Wow, can you imagine?

The wind is blowing. Do you feel it? Change is gonna come. I plan to embrace it.

And you?

J

Small Dreams, Little Manifestations

2008-05-22T21:42:00.003-04:00

I’ve been observing the way I create lately and wondering why it’s on such a small scale. I’m not talking about the day to day creations, but the big picture creation. And no I don’t mean the “five year plan” or “ten year plan”. I mean the overall creation of the way I so strongly desire to live.

I put so much attention on those things I believe I need in the moment as if they’re a cure-all salve for my yearnings. And to some degree they are. But the real yearning encompasses all of the smaller yearnings and if I would only put my attention on that bigger picture desire I would ultimately be so much happier. For example how many of us think like this: if only I had a better job, or better car, or better relationship, or a better wardrobe, or a better motorcycle, I would finally be happy. I know my mind works in this way. It tricks me into thinking if I acquire one more “thing” I’ll attain that elusive serenity and peace of mind. In actuality I desire even more things after satisfying the original desire.

What about taking all that energy and focusing it on the most expansive desire we could conjure. What if all that beautiful energy went towards creating the most magnificent no-holds-barred dream for ourselves and humanity? In whatever way that expression may be for us, in whatever way we conceive of it? I’m not talking about the dream others projected on us. I’m talking about blowing away all the limiting beliefs that we personally have or that society says is possible and knowing deep inside that we are capable of manifesting whatever we desire. What’s holding us back? What’s holding me back?

What I observe in myself is I’m ok with the little intents, with the small dream of Jamie and his capabilities. Once upon a time I felt deep inside it was impossible to own my own home. I literally thought I would never achieve that. Now I write this blog from this large beautiful house that I own in a wonderful seaside community. How did this happen? I simply challenged that place inside of me that doubted. That place of limitation that was so ingrained in me.

Yet I still see that limitation exists in me. I’m content with dreaming the next construction project to get us by, to keep my crew busy. I’m happy trying to manifest another motorcycle which will go faster and farther. Yet I’m not addressing the real desire I have. The real dream of freedom and abundance. It’s not abundance if we have to borrow money to finance a desire. It’s not abundance to have to keep working hard to pay the bills. A million small desires satisfied doesn’t equal freedom.

I want to stop the little dreaming. I want to say adios to all the small manifestations.

I desire so strongly to dream big and watch the grand manifestation unfold…

To be so much more expansive than I believe possible.

And then share that with so many….

Giant steps taken. Giant manifestation gained.

Be big now. Let yourself dream as big as you dare. What do we have to lose?

J

Milestones

2008-05-20T21:37:00.002-04:00

Lots been going on as of late. I feel like I’ve been neglecting the blog recently, but not for lack of things to say. Just getting my ass down in front of the computer and pounding the keys…so bear with me the next few days. I’ll get myself back up to speed again.

Last night I witnessed a milestone. Today I had the good fortune to witness another. Both amazing achievements, both equally inspiring. And both a huge part of being alive and human.

Last night I attended the Red Sox game with Meg & Rita. We were treated to a once in a lifetime pitching performance by Jon Lester the 24 year old southpaw who recently beat cancer and resumed his pitching career. The energy in the park was electric from the 7th inning on. Each pitch had the crowd on their feet – including Megs & Rita who know little or nothing about baseball. It was one of those moments we humans participate in that is remarkable and timeless.

The other inspiring milestone was watching Bodhi begin to walk. To leave behind the comfort of moving on all fours, to completely walking unassisted. I know it’s something we all learned to do at one time in our development. To witness it again in my 1 year old son moved me.

There is this innate desire to evolve, to succeed, to master our world that exists in all humans. To push ourselves through the known and into the unknown. To take a giant step into the future of capability.

I saw a baseball player expand into another realm of possibility. I saw my son do the same thing on a different, albeit smaller scale.

Both humans stepping into their world completely without question.

Go on, go take your own steps too. Enjoy the experience of being limitless...
J

Contraction Expansion

2008-05-14T20:43:00.001-04:00

I was emailing a friend today about buying a couple of sport touring motorcycles for a trip we were planning in the fall and I noticed in our numerous exchanges that there was a feeling of contraction in what he was saying. He made a few references to the economy being down, and people selling their “toys” first in an economic downturn – those non essential things that men acquire. Boats, motorcycles, snow mobiles, fast cars, etc. My friend was suggesting that his funds were tight and if he were to buy a bike it should be a short sale from someone needing quick cash. I know that his net worth far exceeds mine and I wondered about the difference between contraction and expansion. That got me to thinking about the experience we create inside ourselves.

Why did I feel the complete opposite of contraction? I had this really expansive feeling about what was happening both economically and personally for me. I could feel the momentum steadily build inside of me. The more expansive I felt the more expansive I thought and the more expansive I thought the more I relaxed and open I was to the total abundance of Life all around me.

Today I delivered three proposals for work I had priced and rode the Triumph to my meetings. The sky was cobalt blue, the sun brilliant and warm. The waves along the shore line were white and powerful. I could feel this incredible energy build during the day. And I could see the way we create our experiences for ourselves.

Contraction leads to more contraction. When I feel that tightness I feel the Life force constricted.

Expansion feels more natural in my body. The blood fills my veins and flows. The mind slows down and can see more clearly…

Kinda like twisting a throttle versus putting on the brakes…

Be well, be safe, and be expanded. Ahhhhhhhhhhh. Yeah, that’s it.

J

"It's OK." - Bob

2008-05-12T22:17:00.004-04:00

Tonight I was thinking about signs. In the regular world signs are there to help us navigate. No Left Turn. Stop. One Way Do Not Enter. In another world there are different signs. A world not so obvious. But still there to assist us in finding our way.

There are signs that let us know on a deeper level that everything is ok. I have always been noticing those different signs and seeking their meaning. Those signs are there to guide us on an inner level. I call them the invisible signs. They are literally invisible if you’re not ready to see them. When you are ready to see them and you do they expand your mind. They blow us away. They break the hold of the ordinary signs and launch us into trusting what we see on an intuitive level.

"It Was Meant 2 Be". I remember walking along the street and finding this small one inch by two inch rubber sign in the gutter. At the time I was dating a woman off and on and took this as a sign that we should be together permanently. I really thought I knew the signs meaning and that it meant we were to be together for a very long time. Little did I know that it was in fact meant to be that I would be tested in a way I never imagined. The signs we see in the regular world mean what they intend. Yield means yield. No parking means don’t park there. It was meant 2 be wasn’t exactly that. It was a sign that helped me understand myself in a new way. That relationship ended a short time later and I was devastated. Yet I grew and evolved in such a beautiful way. Maybe that was meant 2 be.

I have witnessed a dear friend dramatically expand from never believing the signs, or needing a billboard size sign to really believe what she saw, to acknowledging all the signs regardless of size and not missing one of them. She shared an amazing story with me the other day.

Her beloved had passed away very suddenly and she was asking, pleading really, for a sign to help her through her grief. As she walked into a department store to look for something to wear to his funeral she looked up to see a huge banner covering the entire back wall of the store. She gasped as she read this sign. It said “It’s OK”. Bob. Her beloveds name was Bob.

The signs are always there. Always. The message is always there. Notice. Open. Believe. Trust. Surrender. See the signs. Know their meaning. Or not.

They are all around us. All the time.

Divided Highway Ends.

No U Turn…

J

To What End?

2008-05-09T19:02:00.004-04:00

I have a really cool friend. His name is Mitch. I call him Doc cause he’s a chiropractor. I also call him Moshe because he’s Jewish. He’s like an old rabbi who has a twinkle in his eye and a wisdom that runs deep. Mitch isn’t old yet though. He’s a few years younger than me. We have been friends for about 16 years. A long time ago he helped me to integrate a valuable tool into my life. I have been using this tool recently with my business.

On this particular Saturday years ago Mitch and I planned to get together for lunch. Just before the appointed time he phoned and mentioned a long time client just called looking to get adjusted right away. Although Mitch’s office was closed he lived nearby and agreed to meet the client. I was annoyed and said so. I suggested he tell the client he was busy and they could meet later. Mitch very patiently replied that he wanted to help this client to feel better and we could meet afterwards. I was still pissed (why I can’t imagine now – seems pretty insignificant. But that’s a window into who I was back then…a bit of an ass).

Later that day when we got together Mitch explained his point of view. He mentioned how this client had been calling for impromptu appointments for years and was always very appreciative. Mitch would always accommodate this client. He knew that we could get lunch afterwards or if that didn’t work out meet later that day. I still was trying to satisfy my need to be right and asked him why not just tell the client the same thing he just told me? He smiled that sagely smile and said, “to what end”? It was one of those moments I’ll always remember. My whole attitude shifted. You know those times in your life when you get a little crack in your awareness? This was one of those. Yeah, exactly! To what end?

In the past I've had some clients that for whatever reason just were not happy with me. There was a time when I would have fought their judgments, negotiated around their requests, taken exception to their unhappiness. Then there are other clients who change their minds a lot about what they want. And other clients who want to meet in the evening or on a weekend. I used to have an attitude about that. When I apply the Wisdom Of Moshe I smile and ask: to what end?

Maybe someone cuts you off on your way to work. Maybe a customer is rude to you. Maybe your spouse forgot to put away the dishes. Maybe the repair shop doesn’t have your car ready yet. Maybe your mother just called and asked you the same thing she asked you yesterday. Now before you react to any of this I want you to ask yourself a couple of really simple questions.

Am I able to not react?

Will I actually be happier if I do react from a place of anger/frustration/revenge/fear?

And if I do react, what are the consequences? Do I really want to go there?

Then ask yourself one more question.

To what end? Think about it - that simple question can turn a whole situation upside down and backwards. When I ask that question I always get clarity and a sense of well being.

See how easy it is?

Thank you Moshe my own personal rabbi . You’re a real mensch!

J

Another Day, Another Ride

2008-05-08T18:44:00.003-04:00

And yes I learned another really valuable lesson today. It was a lesson I get to learn over and over: another day, another opportunity for a new point of view.

This afternoon I got to play on that other wheeled transport of mine – the bicycle. I could feel the pull to get out on the road and pedal myself silly. It was crazy windy out but for a change I didn’t care. I settled into a nice easy warm up and my mind was calm and relaxed. It felt good to experience a totally different state of mind than 2 days ago on my guilt trip.

And that got me to thinking how amazing our innate state of being is. It is like a muscle that with some training gets used to functioning on a certain level, vibrating on a certain frequency of equanimity and happiness. Since I have made the conscious choice to devote my life to keep evolving in awareness, that muscle memory makes it easier to find a place of contentment. It remembers. Do you know what I mean?

I picked up Andrew at his house and we took an easy spin around Old Town and settled in a nice cadence. We got to talking about the way people treat each other and how we can get tweaked by another person’s attitude. We talked about not taking things personally. I mentioned the huge ah-ha moment for me being when I finally took full responsibility for that amazing experience called My Life.

We pedaled along for an hour this way talking and enjoying the pace. I smiled thinking how good it felt to be free in that moment. No guilty story. Just present and accounted for. Riding with a friend on a warm spring day.

Just another day and another ride.
See you out there.
J

Guilt Trip

2008-05-06T19:55:00.002-04:00

I learned a really valuable lesson today. It was a lesson I thought I had mastered and put behind me forever. Apparently not.

This past weekend we went to Maine to stay at a client’s beautiful home on the coast. Meg, Bodhi, Rita and Ed drove up early Friday and I followed a few hours later on the Triumph after I wrapped up work. I had checked the weather forecast for the weekend and took the chance that they were wrong (it’s New England remember? Wait 5 minutes and it will change). The ride up on Friday was cold and misty, but no rain. Saturday and Sunday however were a different story. It rained both days and by the time we had to leave on Sunday I made the call to ride home with Megs & Co. and leave the motorcycle in the garage in Maine. I figured I’d come back up later in the week when the weather was better and ride home enjoying it. The clients rent their house out on weekends so I wasn’t keen on leaving the bike up there indefinitely. You get the idea, right? Take a half day mid-week and enjoy the slow way home along the ocean. I’m my own boss right?

Well that word “enjoy” was absent today. I caught a ride up with the client who owned the home this morning. That part worked out fine. My business has me very occupied with writing proposals and managing my crew on the 3 or 4 projects we have going on. Right now I have four jobs on my desk that need to be priced, with one that I promised the client I would have ready for tomorrow. My days are very full yet I usually welcome the chance to take a mental break. Somehow today was different. The guilt trip had begun.

I couldn’t shake the voice in my head telling me I “should” be working. My guys are out there working hard, what about me? I should be in the office not out joyriding. How am I going to get all this work done? Certainly not by riding my motorcycle along the coast of Maine. What if clients call me while I’m riding? Should I park my truck somewhere else besides in front of my office? You have a client moving in Thursday and you don’t have your C of O. Isn’t it selfish to take this time off? I felt like a fugitive from my business.

Like a tape looped and running continuously I listened to it all day long. I stopped for coffee before I got on the road and couldn’t sit still and enjoy the sunshine and quiet moment. So I suited up threw out my half finished coffee and started the trip home. Except it really was the guilt trip home. The whole ride I kept pressing to hurry up. I found myself impatiently passing the slow cars and not really seeing and experiencing the beauty around me. Pressing, pushing, moving forward further into my trip, seeing less and less as I rode home.

By the time I got home without stopping I was cooked. Not from the ride. I love the feeling of being on a motorcycle. It exhilarates me. The feeling I had when I wheeled up to the house was serious exhaustion. My mind had taken over the ride. My body obediently followed. It amazed me when I finally realized how un-present I had been all day and how hell bent I was on making me pay for my choice to take time off. I didn’t think I still had that link to guilt inside me. I figured I was done with wasting my energy that way. But I clearly saw how I didn’t resolve the decision to take 5 hours and enjoy the brief respite from work. By not resolving it right away I opened the door for guilt to sneak in and sabotage a beautiful day. Work my dear friends will always be there. Seventy degree sunny days on a motorcycle might not be…

So today I took a guilt trip.

Next time I’ll take a different trip. My inner travel agent will make sure I choose better.

Keeping the rubber side down, and the eyes wide open…

J

Casual Friday

2008-05-02T06:42:00.009-04:00

It's Friday and I figured why not take a break from my usual blog chatter
and have a little story time. It's a gray cool day here in New England.
Grab a cup of coffee, find a cozy chair and enjoy. I'll be back on Monday.

Until then be well and be happy,

J

Long Distance Call

I dialed the number from memory. It’s funny how some numbers are so easily recalled. A gateway to the past. Yet it’s the painful past that’s so hard to access. Different recollections drawn from a place inside that is sealed, until opened by a 11 digit phone number. A place that can be so fraught with emotion, so un-left brained, yet inaccessible unless that left brain begins processing and a string of numbers is dialed. Once dialed, the memories flood right back in.
I heard the phone ringing. I forgot for a second who I was calling. A voice on the other end said “hello”?
“Hi, it’s me.” My voice was monosyllabic. I knew everything was not going to go so easy. It was time though. The ice must be broken.
There was silence on the other end. For a moment I thought she might hang up on me. I wouldn’t be surprised.
The voice repeated “Hello?” My stomach tightened.
“It’s Josh”. The game continues. I braced myself for her reprisal.
“So how was Alaska? You're back alive I guess. I figured you for dead except the checks kept arriving. They were signed by you so I knew at least your bank account was alive.” The edge in her voice was like bayonet grass. Be brave man, breathe.
“It was good. I stayed longer than I thought I would. It’s a big country, and I had to finish the project, you know how it goes...”
I sagged knowing she immediately had me on the defensive as always. It was a guilt thing. She could elicit more apprehension in me than anyone I knew. And even if I had done nothing wrong, I’d still feel bad. Breathe my friend, keep breathing.
“So you want to speak with Kai?” She was being easy on me.
“Is he home?”
“Yes, I’ll call him, hang on. Oh Josh. I’m glad you’re back safe.” She always would cut me at the knees and then offer a hand up. Warily I always took it.
“Thanks Beth. Take care.” I hated the way I lost my footing with her.

“Dad?”
“Kai?”
“Hey Dad, how ya doin’?” It always was odd to hear that word – ‘dad’.
“I’m doing OK. How have you been?” I tried to sound upbeat.
“Ah, things are ok. How come you didn’t call me?” Kai’s voice sounded wan.
“The project I was working on had me going 18 hours a day, 7 days a week. Plus my cell phone didn’t work that far out in the bush.” I realized how lame that sounded. It was an excuse. The phone worked intermittently. I never tried before today. And now I was back home. I forgot about being a father for the last 9 months. I worked, drank with the few other engineers on the project, and read mostly whenever I had the spare time.

“Dad, I want to see you.” He was pleading.
“Well soon. I’ve got a conference in DC for a week, and then I plan on taking some time off. I thought we could pack the bikes and boards and drive down to Baja. The last time we went down there you were 12. Do you remember that trip?”
“Yeah that was totally awesome!” His voice was coming to life.
“Have you been surfing yet?” I knew that’s all he’d been doing. El Nino to thank for the good breaks.
“Mom took my board. I’ve been grounded for the last 2 months.” He sounded totally bummed out.
“Why what happened?” I felt like I was an outsider – fed tiny bits of information on a self-imposed diet. I was not a father. I was a stranger to his world and who he was.
“I ran away and started hitching to Alaska.” He was dead serious.
“Are you fucking kidding me? What were you thinking? How were you…” I trailed off incredulous and irritated that he would attempt something so crazy. A 16 year old boy. Where did I fail so badly? My own inability to be there for him had inspired this. My failure as a father was all I could see in this moment.
“Dad, you owe me a quarter.” Kai would always try to ease my anger and make me laugh, reminding me that every time I swore it cost me a quarter. It was a deal we had since he was much younger and we were all still living together.
I was fuming silently now.
“Dad?”
“Yes Kai?” I exhaled slowly.
“I miss you.” He was desperate to connect.
“I miss you too Kai.” There was a crack in the shell that protected my heart and that had been carefully constructed. Like a rouge wave all that emotion crashed over me. The tears fell into my lap. I knew it was finally time to become his father. I just didn’t know how.

“Let’s get together soon dad. I have to go, I have a friend over. Is that ok? I love you dad.”
“I love you too Kai, we’ll talk again soon” I felt empty now as I hung up the phone. Just another long distance call…

Somehow I knew we would find a way.
Father and Son.

As You Wish - Part Three

2008-05-01T07:20:00.003-04:00

Did you get to experience the magic of saying “As you wish” to your beloved? Not to worry, it takes time and a bit of practice. I know you’ll do it and be happier as a result.

I have to apologize to those of you who were waiting with baited breath for the third and final installment yesterday (almost as excruciating as awaiting the final movie of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, but not quite). Life was handing me one of those days where it’s moving so fast and I’m trying to continually keep up – kind of like trying to catch a butterfly with your bare hands. So what’s been going on?

I have received hundreds of perplexed (ok angry) emails asking about my last blog. It seems the proverbial pot got stirred. Here’s a sampling:

What? You must be kidding! Say “as you wish” without question? Isn’t that letting go of our own personal wants and needs?

Doesn’t it mean we’ll be setting ourselves up to be taken advantage of?

What about boundaries? (See Blog: No Pain, No Gain)

What about my boss?

What about my clients?

What about my teenagers?

Are you out of your mind? (Quite possibly)

Wouldn’t my wife/husband ask me to do unreasonable things, or go on endless shopping sprees if I said as you wish?

Ok, first off I recommended trying this with your beloved first before experimenting on anyone else. I am making a HUGE assumption that your beloved will not pretend you’re a contestant on Fear Factor and have you eating handfuls of sea worms. There is a level of respect and trust that is the groundwork for all of this. And it definitely takes faith. Remember this is not about the “me”. It’s about expanding and feeling the magic that can occur between two people when they both open to each other fearlessly. I could respond to each and every email but I won’t.

What I really want to say is that the final leap of faith (As You Wish – Part Three) is about saying that easy little phrase to Life itself. To stand in the face of all the craziness and uncertainty in life that I know we all experience from time to time and say, maybe a bit reluctantly, but say it anyway – AS YOU WISH! Again it’s not about putting yourself in harms way, or being abused, or laying down and giving up. It’s about accepting that Life is happening and you’re a huge part of that. By saying “as you wish” you are letting Life know that you trust Life (just like you trust your beloved). This connection to Life expands as a result, and so do we.

When I look back on all the resistance I felt towards change (Life), I see how much energy I used fighting it. Yet in retrospect I can see how I always was in the perfect place for what I needed to learn in that moment. From where I sit now Life has always brought me exactly what was best for me to keeping growing and changing as a human being. The more I resisted the more I suffered. The more I saw every experience as a link in a chain, or a common thread woven into what is now my beautiful life, the happier I became. Saying “As you wish” to Life is the final leap of faith.

It really is the leap into the unknown. And doesn’t that get your heart racing? I sit here right now at my desk with many things planned for the day. But in reality I have no idea what’s going to happen today no matter how proactive & highly effective I think I am. So what to do?

Just say it. C’mon. Let it slide off your lips. You know. That one simple little phrase.

As you wish!

Have a wonderful day and keep those sea worms where they belong!

J

As You Wish - Part Two

2008-04-29T09:31:00.003-04:00

Having given you the evening to digest Part One we’re ready to step out and expand. Now I want to take our new favorite little phrase into a bigger potentially more treacherous arena – relationships. Anyone cringing yet? I can hear all the little voices crying out – “what about me…?” Not to worry. In the end it will all be fine. You’ll be much, much happier. Trust me.

When experiencing the transformation that occurs when we can give the best to ourselves by saying “As you wish” imagine the possibilities when we do that with our beloved. For now I only want to focus on the very close relationships in our lives. (For those of you yearning to be in one of these hang in there – this applies to you as well).

In reviewing my intimate relationships in the past I can see how I always tripped over one very big obstacle. ME. That obstacle was my idea of how things “should be”. I was always so invested in my vision of right or wrong, or the division of labor, or who was in charge, or how the load was distributed, or who was in the lead, or who initiated this or that, or who took out the trash….
Ok you must get the idea. To me being in relationship was way more about keeping Jamie intact, then really opening to the wonder of possibility. Hence my multiple chances at practice. For a thick skulled Aries type practice becomes how we live. Practicing our way through life until by some freakish chance (opportunity/Divine Intervention) we get to stop practicing and get in the game. Let me explain. There is a point coming.

So when I met Meghan things changed immediately. Alright, not first met, but when we “got together” (wink, wink) for the first time I knew right away it was not going be the same old story, it was definitely show time. No more rehearsals and playing with keeping my idea of how things should be intact. I tried something else for a change. And god knows how I came to this, maybe I had recently just watched the Princess Bride with Nick, or maybe I was trying to be clever in the throes of a new relationship. You know all that Aries charm in full swing. But a really odd thing happened. When Meg would ask me if I could do something I began to reply “As you wish”. The first time definitely felt a little bit scary. Yet it was also funny to see what happened. Meg went on her way (I’m guessing she was thinking she hit the lottery with this lug) smiling and happy. And I stood there thinking that wasn’t so bad. I’m still here. The world hadn’t ended. I did hear a tiny voice going “help, what about me…” but I said pipe down and ignored it. Actually I felt quite exhilarated. I was hooked. No matter what Meg asked I said “As you wish” just like Westley said to Buttercup. The more I did it the better I felt, and the best part was I could see the favorable reaction in Meg. The little fissures that show up in relationships from bickering and negotiating never evolved into the San Andreas Fault like they often do. The atmosphere in our relationship was peaceful and harmonious and so much of that had to do with me letting go of my point of view, my hardened sense of identity, and surrendering to that beautiful little phrase. The best part is I still am saying it after all these years and we're still happy in Love.

As you wish.

Tomorrow Part Three – The Final Leap of Faith.

Until then enjoy the Fire Swamp, and watch out for the R.O.U.S.!

J

As You Wish - Part One

2008-04-28T18:47:00.002-04:00

I want to talk about relationships. My dear beloved friend Stephanie requested that I devote a blog to the topic of relationships so here goes.

I bet many of you have seen the film The Princess Bride – most certainly one of my all time favorite movies. There are so many brilliant aspects to that movie but the one piece I’ve remembered after all these years is the phrase Westley continually replies to Buttercup with: “As you wish”. This is a profound attitude to take. No matter what Buttercup asks of him, Westley always replies, “As you wish”. Imagine how our life would be if we had the daring and faith to live that way like Westley did. In my relationship with Meghan it’s had a magical effect and was there at the very beginning of our togetherness. But I get ahead of myself, first things first.

I can remember when I initially tried out that phrase on myself. It was a little terrifying. Even having the thought to do so was radical, but to actually say to myself – AS YOU WISH! – was groundbreaking. You’re probably thinking who hasn’t said that their whole life? Don’t we all give ourselves the things we want? Not necessarily. Maybe your thinking, isn’t that a selfish way to live? That’s not how I envision it. To really give oneself permission to say “as you wish” and know what’s good for you physically, emotionally, and spiritually is a leap of faith. I’m not talking about going for ice cream, or indulging in things that are short-lived. I’m talking about really letting yourself feel and know what saying that simple phrase will create in your life. It releases the part of us that is called intuition. When we truly follow our intuition we follow a path most certainly less traveled and at times may even feel overwhelming. Trust is the key – trust that we will give ourselves the best – the things that will reflect the best in us and reflect the best around us.

Once I aligned myself and let go in this way it created the potential to interact with others in my life from a whole new perspective. What if I could say to someone close to me “As you wish” and not fear the results? Would I give away my “power” or my "autonomy" by saying that? My experience has clearly and emphatically answered NO! Remember in the movie every time Westley said to Buttercup “as you wish” something wonderful occurred. Maybe it looked like a challenge but the connection between the two of them became stronger each time. This same exact bond can and does occur when we make that pledge to ourselves. We become stronger in the knowledge that we can live by knowing, that we can base our decisions on trust and faith in ourselves and in a simple easy phrase.

As you wish.

Tomorrow Part Two – how to apply this while living with another and still stay sane.

Until then.

J

No Pain No Gain

2008-04-25T07:31:00.001-04:00

Words to live by, no? Well not for me anymore. That used to be my modus operandi (no I am not a masochist). My old story was if I wasn’t in pain then I wasn’t making progress. It amazes me how much I really took that belief to heart. Much of my life has been spent in close relation to pain – whether it was physically through a myriad of accidents, injuries, or operations, or creating emotional pain in my relationships with myself and others. Pain was my friend. We hung out together.

I also prided myself on having a very high pain tolerance. When the relationship to pain becomes as intimate as it did with me, the sensation of pain is virtually welcomed. I got good at concealing pain and just living with it. Over the past 7 or 8 years I have become gradually “pain adverse”. The feeling of pain doesn’t feel as comfortable or as manageable as it used to. I’ve begun to really experience how pleasure feels in my physical and emotional body. It feels really nice.

Pain can also be about boundaries. I’ll give you a good example that happened to me last Tuesday. I went to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Next life I’m requesting wonderful perfect cavity free teeth. In this life I’m not so lucky. Suffice to say many a dentist has had their fingers in my mouth and it doesn’t bring me joy anymore. So anyway, the hygienist is cleaning my teeth with the spiky pick like instrument probing my gums to see how deep the pockets are. One gum in particular was really tender. I grunted and mumbled that it hurt. (Don’t you get annoyed when with a mouthful of suction devices, tools and fingers dentists think they can carry on a conversation with you?) She kept working it. I asked her to stop. She said she needed to measure the depth and it was for my own health. I explained in a very firm tone that I was there to have my teeth cleaned and if she was going to continue hurting me than I was going to leave.

Now many of you reading this might say “duh”! It’s a no-brainer right to say please stop hurting me? For me it was an epiphany. Normally I would sit there and go through the pain and not say a word. In this case I didn’t feel like being in pain and said so. I felt ecstatic at this simple revelation. I thought back to all the experiences in my life (physical or emotional) that the No Pain No Gain theory was in effect. In so many instances I allowed pain into my life due to a lack of boundaries. What if I made a new choice? What if I said “that hurts, please stop”? Or was the expectation, for whatever distorted reason, to suck it up and take the pain? So much of “being a man” is wrapped around that faulty expectation. Now I make an effort to check in with myself and see how it feels. If it doesn’t feel good I can choose to say no.

I also haven’t given up doing the activities I love (snowboarding, cycling, motorcycling) I now do it without the reckless abandon I used to or without the underlying belief that pain is what I need to experience to feel good. I also have stopped playing in relationships that conjure emotional pain (ok as much as possible – see blog Two Out of Three…). It’s an amazing place to get to after spending so much of my life living the old adage.

I got a new slogan. No Pleasure, No Gain.

Enjoy yourself today!

In light, love, and pain free,

J

The Turtle, the Shepherd, and the Rider

2008-04-22T13:19:00.006-04:00

The Turtle woke up this morning feeling a stirring deep in its shell. The warm spring air was finally here and the earth was coming to life again. It had been a long hard winter and it seemed as if it would never leave. Now it finally had and the sun was bright in the empty blue sky.

The Shepherd was scratching at the door. He had a full bladder and needed to pee. Once outside he surveyed the yard, checking all his usual spots and securing the perimeter. His yard was small but occasionally he would get out and take long walks with his owner when the weather got warmer. Today was a good day for a long walk.

The Rider checked his motorcycle over and packed his gear, bringing an extra fleece vest and warm gloves. It was cooler at the coast and he knew that riding at 70 mph the wind would make the air temps brisk until he got inland. Today a long ride was planned, traveling far into the North Country seeking out the back roads and letting the new motor find it’s rhythm during its break in period. The Rider could feel the excitement building as he sat on the bike and adjusted his helmet. A day off on the bike would do his mind, body and spirit good. It had been a never ending winter.

The Turtle knew what to do. Nobody had to tell her. It was a code that had long since been written. Every year it was the same. No variations, no personal interpretations. It did what the turtles before it did for time immemorial. Today would be no different.

The Shepherd had this extra feeling of excitement today. He had more energy than usual, which was a lot to begin with. He picked up his stuffed toy and threw it in the air, grabbed it and shook it violently. Then he ran fast around the confines of the yard. Today was a good day to run.

Once out of the congestion of the towns near his home the Rider could feel the tension dissipate and his body began to feel the connection of the power beneath him. This was how to live he thought; this sweet feeling of movement. The only thing that didn’t relax was his eyes – they kept scanning the pavement ahead and shifting side to side for anything that might affect his trajectory down the road. It was serious business beneath all that joy. The potential hazards were many; a car pulling out in front of him, a rock in the road, a downed tree limb. Pretty much anything that while driving a car might not concern you but for a motorcycle could be potentially lethal.

The Turtle knew it was time to relocate and get ready to bring new life into the world. She began the slow trip from the small pond to the larger marsh area fifty feet away.

The Shepherd watched with disappointment as its owner left for work. No walk this morning, though it looked like the gate was left slightly ajar.

The Rider watched the road ahead of him as the speedometer went from 50 to 60 to 70 to 80 in a heartbeat. The asphalt snaked underneath him weaving and twisting at warp speed. The rider grinned.

The Turtle started to climb the embankment that led to the road. The need to move was automatic and unquestioned. Once across the road the Turtle would be in her nesting grounds.

The Shepherd felt the sun warming his fur. He stood and stretched and went towards the slightly open gate. He nudged it with his nose. Freedom called. He could feel the urge to run fast and far.

The Rider downshifted as he approached a town. Traffic was a heavier here and the speed limit slowed to 35 mph. His awareness was heightened in town – so many objects for the eye to notice and the mind to process.

The Turtle had this one last crossing to make. She left the dusty shoulder and started the final twenty foot journey across the warm asphalt.

The Shepherd looked left and right then sprinted down the sidewalk.

The Rider was almost home. It had been a long but very satisfying day.

The Turtle was almost halfway across.

The Shepherd was finally running free.

The Rider saw the dog fifty feet down the street on his left. Traffic was moving quickly in both directions. The Rider thought it odd the dog was loose and looked anxiously for its owner nearby as he rode past.

The Turtle knew this passage was one that may end suddenly though the rush of the passing cars didn’t dissuade it from continuing.

The Shepherd was frantic now and confused with so many cars passing nearby. He darted left into the traffic flow, crossed the center line, and then into the oncoming lane.

The Rider passed the dog just as it ran across one lane. He quickly looked in his side view mirror to see what came next but a van blocked his view. He didn’t see the dog make it across the other lane and could see the cars further back all stop suddenly.

The Turtle kept moving, almost there, almost there.

The Shepherd was lost in traffic.

The Rider felt the pang of not knowing what happened to the dog. He rounded a bend in the road leaving the town behind and saw something in the opposite lane. It was a turtle. He loved turtles since he was a young boy and would always stop and move them off the road if he could. He went by too fast and the car behind him was too close for the Rider to stop suddenly. He watched as a large SUV approached and he yelled out and frantically motioned for the car to slow down. He turned almost all the way around on his bike and watched the SUV miss the turtle. Then turned back around to see a line of cars approaching the turtle. He felt like he should stop and go back but it was too late – five or six cars had passed by then. He didn’t want to know the outcome.

The Turtle slid down the embankment into the soft mud at the marshes edge. Ahh. Good to be home again she thought and let her legs relax into the cool water.

The Shepherd yelped as the bumper grazed his haunch. He spun slowly on the pavement and came to a stop sitting upright. A human ran over to him and grabbed his collar. The Shepherd licked the human wrist and stood up. He wished he was home again in his yard.

The Rider wondered why he witnessed these two incidents. He felt uneasy about seeing what he did. He prayed that both creatures were alright. He had spent the day in a state of heightened awareness that riding a motorcycle inspires. He felt a connection to his surroundings that being in the sun and wind conjure. He felt a deep happiness. Yet after witnessing what he had he felt unsure and unsettled, like something had been taken from his incredible day. He arrived home pre-occupied and edgy. He was grumpy and short tempered. Not at all how he expected to return to his family.

Later that night after the sun had long since set, the full moon shone a light so bright that all things were illuminated. The mystery of life was revealed, the magic and wonder of being alive was there to be enjoyed for as long as it lasted. What precedes the end of the ride is what matters, not why the ride has to end. All rides will eventually end. How do we plan to be fully part of each moment on every ride we take in Life? How in the midst of so much uncertainty can we find the tranquility and balance that inherently exists in Life itself? The only way is to live it without a doubt.

Tonight the Turtle dreamed. Tonight the Shepherd also dreamed. And on this night the Rider dreamed too of a never ending stretch of road...

Sweet dreams to you all, J

Epitaph (or the final lesson on self-importance)

2008-04-18T15:11:00.001-04:00

“Then the prophecies of the old songs have turned out to be true, after a fashion!” said Bilbo.
“Of course!” said Gandalf. “And why should they not prove true? Surely you don’t disbelieve the prophecies, because you had a hand in bringing them about yourself? You don’t really suppose, do you, that all your adventures and escapes were managed by mere luck, just for your sole benefit? You are a very fine person, Mr. Baggins, and I am very fond of you; but you are only quite a little fellow in a wide world after all!” “Thank goodness!” said Bilbo laughing, and handed him the tobacco-jar.

I wanted to add just a small little something to the blog today before the day is over. It’s a gorgeous, warm spring day and I’ve spent the majority of it in my office writing proposals and keeping up with the business. Meg and I plan to take a spin on the Triumph later and I still have a few things left to finish before then. I love this passage from The Hobbit. It sums up my take on self-importance. Which if any of you out there reading this who know me I fall prey to on occasion.

It is after all one of the vestiges of insecurity really, or one of the masks of the “I Am Not”. So I advise you dear reader (and myself) get out and connect to this beautiful day. Don’t take yourself or your situation so seriously. It’s not really that grave. There’s a jewel in each experience we encounter. It’s humility. There’s some sweet aspect of your (our) life that is calling. It’s called innocence. Listen to life bursting forth all around, and then go enjoy it. Be a “little fellow in a wide world after all…”

I plan to.

Love and rpm’s,

J

Crunch Time

2008-04-17T07:15:00.001-04:00

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”**

This quote has been like an old friend since I came across it. Someone who’s there to listen and offer a clear reflection, not judgment. Whenever I read this wisdom I feel better and back on track.

These past few days I feel like I’ve been trying to shine but have been running into a wall over and over again and smashing my headlight in the process. My head hurts from doing so. It’s an Aries thing so says Meg. Anyway I’ve been trying so hard to be that light, to shine in my interactions with my world. It’s been a struggle to not react to the situations that have been showing up in my life recently. It is mostly work related (ok all work related) but it is so hard to peel off the work veneer when I am running my own business and it consumes so much of my energy. Thank god for Bodhi. For a few minutes at lunch or at dinner I can connect with his world and his light and it’s truly freeing.

And even in the tremendous stress of the past week (ok months) there have been moments that have surprised me. Having a chance encounter with a client that our relationship ended badly (money owed/work incomplete with lawyers involved). Seeing him with his young son at the lumberyard and shaking his hand while agreeing that we wished things had gone differently and feeling no animosity at all. That was the light. Or having a client meeting with a couple who questioned a subcontractor’s bill and things had gotten very tense for the past month. In the meeting I was amazed at the level of honesty and responsibility that was communicated. I couldn’t help but feel encouraged by humanity through these encounters.

And yet it was the humanity within me that moved me most. The old me in the past would have harbored the “need to be right” or pent up anger and a sense of injustice. It’s so easy to be relaxed and confident when things are going well, when the economy is humming along and fear around money is less prevalent. What amazed me was the light that shined through those interactions reflected a place in me where I too can let go of anger or fear or judgment. Where I too can be powerful and not flee from that power. It’s like the power of a small child playing with their world with complete abandon and being totally present.

What I’ve been missing while ramming my head repeatedly into hard objects was the opportunity that exists in each moment. To let go of what happened an hour ago, or what will happen next week. To be present in each moment, in a way that feels good to me. To keep choosing to be in that light of the authenticity of who I really am. Of whom we all are. Right now’s the time, don’t you agree?

It’s crunch time.

Thanks for reading.

Getting that headlight repaired,

J

** This quote has been attributed to various people so I’d like to say thank you to whoever did first say it.

The Grace in All Things

2008-04-13T10:07:00.001-04:00

I love the definitions of grace as offered by the Random House dictionary. There are 11 variations on the meaning each equally evocative of a feeling. All paying homage to a grand word.

My life is full of grace. It is Sunday morning which has got to be my favorite morning of the week. There is a quality that is both poignant, and nostalgic. The light this morning is beautiful. The world outside must be asleep and so seems non-existent. Inside it’s me and Bodhi making breakfast while Meg sleeps too. I love this time with my littlest son. I get a chance to slow down to his rhythm, to not rush off anywhere, to have no agenda. We eat and then go play. I watch him closely to witness all that is shifting in him so quickly – he is standing, balancing on his own, creating little games, then moving on to another interest. There is this big sheepskin on the floor of his playroom that I lie on. We are listening to music (Explosions in The Sky – The Earth is Not a Cold Dark Place*) which Bodhi will often start bobbing to then go back to playing. As I lie there watching him experiencing life he lifts a small ball in his hands and offers it to me. I find myself flashing on a memory from long ago.

It is the end of summer 1980. My good friend Val and I have just finished our “Knights Without Armor” training in Boulder Colorado at the Blue Poppy Chi Kung Association run by Bob Flaws. We had spent the summer learning how to stand in low horse for an hour without moving by the Boulder Creek. We learned all about acupuncture points and Tai Chi Ruler, and Taoism and Buddhism. We drank beer and danced wildly into the early morning hours, then went to the 24 hour diner and ate breakfast. We rarely slept. We walked the mall in bare feet Val with his Bo or staff, me with my wooden sword. We would spar for no reason at a moments notice. We lived like kings without a country to rule. We perfected our art, let our hair go wild, grew strong and meditated like statues. We lived on Chi Gung exercises, faith and Dots Diner burritos. It was a summer I’ll never forget. In early September we left to hitchhike to Portland Oregon to visit a girlfriend of mine who over the summer shacked up with another man. Like samurai on a mission we left Boulder on a blazing hot Sunday.

Our first ride drove us all the way to Cheyenne and the junction of I-25 and I-80. I remember thinking how unusually hot it was for September with the sky a perfect deep blue, not a cloud in sight. Slightly parched and a bit hungry we walked down the ramp to get onto I-80 westbound. I looked down and saw a piece of fruit in the dirt on the shoulder of the ramp. I bent down to pick it up. It was a peach. I looked at Val, then at the peach. It was cool in my hands and felt perfectly ripe and totally un-bruised. I looked around at the sage and open land surrounding us. No peach trees, no fruit stands, nothing. I looked at Val again. We both smiled. I took a bite and handed it to Val. We shared the most delicious peach I have ever tasted and to this day 28 years later have not tasted another peach so juicy and sweet. Our story at the time was that the 18 Lohan, who look after warriors with integrity, had left it there for us as a sign of their approval.

My story now is that was Grace.

I start to remember all those moments in my life that had that feeling of Grace to them. At the time I may have called them heartbreak, failure, tragedy, longing, loneliness, struggle, surrender, searching. Now I see it all as just plain Grace. Like Bodhi learning to first crawl, then stand in balance, then walk, and finally run I see the beauty and grace in the moments of learning and progression from birth to death as one magnificent tapestry woven from one strand without end.

Grace.

In so much love.

J

*I highly recommend this music to assist in opening a channel to a magical place.

Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

2008-04-11T12:17:00.000-04:00

(The Story of How I Play With Drama Daily)

Ok maybe this is unrelated to what I’m writing about today but I gotta get it out! Michael Johns getting voted off Idol? You gotta be kidding me! That kid had some pipes. He was a rocker and seemed cut out to sing for a living. I figured it would come down to David Cook and him. I’m mildly disgusted that Kristy is so obviously milking the Christian vote. (I love Christians don’t get me wrong, I just don’t believe in milking them). Anyway.

For those of you who don’t really know me let me briefly introduce myself. I have spent most of my life seeking happiness. Wandering through a maze of beliefs, techniques, experiments, and with some plain old pure dumb luck I have found myself in a pretty awesome state of happiness. Without getting sidetracked about what the hell that means let’s just assume it means I’m happy most of the time. Except when I’m not.

One key component to my happiness (and one of my definitions of happiness) is the absence of drama. After so many years of creating internal drama with myself I learned how not to (#1). After so many years of creating drama with my significant others I learned how not to (#2). (If you would like to know how that happened I can tell you – email me). I want my entire life to be a reflection of how I’m feeling inside. That means I’d like to feel good as much as possible (no I am not a Hedonist, I don’t think…). It really becomes fairly simple when we no longer choose drama as a way of life. So let me recap: I am happy inside and don’t create internal drama anymore. My relationship with Meghan and Nick is free of drama. (Bodhi however can still get me frustrated occasionally when I’m in the middle of an especially poopy diaper change and he starts twisting like a baby crocodile – but I don’t count that as serious drama). So what’s the problem you ask?

Well I have another life (#3). Yup, I’m leading a double life here – don’t tell me. My lovely drama free life ends the minute I leave the house and get into my truck. Mr. Happy becomes Joe Contractor. Now if any of you dear readers have ever hired a contractor to work on your house then you almost certainly have a story of some dramatic (maybe life altering) event because of the contractors ineptitude. Here are some classic examples:

-the company you hired fell off the planet for months on end, never to be seen after the demo of your perfectly good home
-someone hit a pipe with a nail installing trim. It doesn’t start leaking for 6 months
-the project took 2 years (supposed to be 3 months)
-the project cost 3 times what it was supposed to
-the plumbing subcontractors somehow put the clients Monet in the van too
-one of the carpenters is having sex with the clients underage daughter
-counting the entire roofing crew of 10, you might be able to assemble a full set of teeth
-the general contractor is only around to collect money, usually at 9:45pm on a Sunday

You get the picture. I could blog about the horrors of home renovation until I’m blogged and blue in the face. My point is the minute I leave home I encounter drama. Actually it’s more like this – D R A M A!!!! It can’t be helped. I try my best to avoid it, steer clear of it, or even run from it. The problem is I can’t. I can (as the old adage advises) run but I cannot hide. Each time I encounter the drama I go back inside myself and see how invested I get with it and why it affects me so much. Is it the money I’m owed? Is it the need for acceptance, the need to be liked? Is it an old story of failure lurking in the shadows? Or is it just the fact of dealing with a world at large that loves drama? What can I do to play in this gladiator arena but not get eaten? These are my daily challenges when I’m not in the relative safety of my office blogging away blissfully or at home with Meg & Bodhi. I have gotten much better at not being so hooked by all of the issues that I face each day. I strive to communicate better. I attempt to do what I say I’ll do. I try to orchestrate and execute my projects so they promote good feelings. I try to minimize the impact on my clients home. I try to bring all my happiness to the projects I do and sometimes it’s like pissing in the wind. And you know the best part about that? Instead of blaming the wind I just turn around and piss with it. You know, I really want to be happy all of the time. What’s so wrong with that? Are my clients or the world “out there” responsible for my happiness? No, but I often think I’m responsible for theirs and in many ways I am. Do the job right, on time, for what we agreed it would cost. That’s easy no? Not always. If they want to keep playing with drama who am I to stop them? Maybe that’s just the way it is. And maybe just maybe I’ll get 3 out of 3 one of these days.

For now, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad. I’m working on it. Hey, anyone need a house renovated?

In Love, Light, and sawdust.

J

Don't Follow Me I'm Lost

2008-04-10T14:02:00.001-04:00

Don’t Follow Me I’m Lost

I love that bumper sticker. I saw it this morning on my way to a client meeting. You ever have those days when as soon as you wake up you’re feeling slightly behind and maybe a little tweaked internally? The day hasn’t even gotten started and the mind is trying to overload itself and short circuit.

I had one of those mornings. Throughout my morning rituals I was feeling tired, a little down mentally, and slightly judgmental about it. It was as if a tiny black cloud was following me, obscuring my ability to feel clear. I generally wake up ready to conquer the world like I forgot all about whatever went down yesterday. Yeah I’m one of those mildly obnoxious morning people that can totally grate on the non-morning ones.

Anyway, today I couldn’t shake the unsettled feeling inside. Even during my client meeting I was unsure how I was coming across to this client while I was talking to them about renovating their kitchen. It felt like I was talking under water, or like the teacher in the Peanuts cartoons. Wah Wah Wah. Finally I gave up on trying. I was tired of following me. I started to ask the client about her business. Before I knew it she was happily telling me about the various endeavors she has going on. It was nice not to be the one leading the way. I started to feel a bit better.

An hour later I was at the Atomic Cafe getting a latte. Andrew was telling me about a land development project he had heard about. The place was quiet at that moment so I leaned on the counter and just listened. He went on for a bit and I could feel that little dark cloud that had been my companion today going bye-bye. The noise my mind had been making all day was gradually tuning in to another human, following another story, and letting go of its story.

After lunch I was ready to take the lead again, ready to see the day, not be overwrought and blind to it. But you know maybe it’s best not to follow me anyway. Just in case.

In light, love and the occasional fog bank.

J

Have You Surrendered Today?

2008-04-10T07:14:00.002-04:00

This morning I was driving to visit my granite supplier. The road passes right along the ocean for most of the way there, and the sun was out and the air just a bit warmer than yesterday. I was in business mode, making calls and thinking about all the things I need to do for work today. To be honest I barely saw the waves breaking as I drove along the coastline. I did roll down the window after a few minutes to let the ocean air into the cab of my truck, but remained pretty preoccupied with other things.
After my appointment I made a few more calls as I drove back, still very disconnected to what was going on around me, literally right outside my window. As I came back into Marblehead I pulled over at Preston beach and got out of the truck. I walked to the sea wall that overlooks a long stretch of beach and stood at the edge feeling the slight breeze and listening to the waves being pulled towards the shore then released back to the ocean. It was a sound I hadn’t listened to in a long time. We don’t get to the beach much in winter even though it’s less than a mile from our house.
As I stood looking out at the light glittering on the water I could feel myself remembering . My senses were opening up, my body relaxing, and my mind slowing down. I could feel my body begin to merge with the ocean and then I heard a voice: “oh honey, just throw yourself into the ocean and surrender “. It was Barbara Emrys my Dreaming teacher speaking. I flashed back to Encinitas when I was deep in my process of deconstruction, sitting in my dream chair for hours on end. In one particular desperate moment of confusion I had called Barbara to get a reflection. That’s when she offered that wonderful advice. I asked her if she meant literally. She said it didn’t matter if I went to the ocean and actually jumped in, more importantly was the piece about surrendering. Well I did drive right down to Moonlight beach that day years ago and threw myself into the waves and surrendered. Today I stayed out of the water (way too cold!) knowing it was the internal surrendering Barbara was truly speaking of - and that’s what I have been practicing since that day in California.
So this morning as I felt myself letting go overlooking something so vast and unknowable, I welcomed the surrendering that was happening inside of me that was as deep and as mysterious as Life itself.

Can you spare a moment to surrender right now?

In love, light, and awareness.

J

Freedom Is Just Another Word?

2008-04-10T07:14:00.001-04:00

Freedom

I love this word for so many different reasons. Say the word and count how many ideas flash across our mental movie screen? These themes of freedom bring to mind so many clichés: fight for our freedom, let freedom ring, economic freedom, religious freedom. So once again I went to Wikipedia (sorry Syl) and the array of definitions, explanations, philosophies, and interpretations of this word made my eyes cross and were way too numerous to list here. For this particular blog I want to focus on the idea of personal freedom. For those of you who want to hear more about my motorcycle, sit still. I’ll get there.

How many of you really feel like you have personal freedom? If I were to ask many a reply would sound like this: “yeah I want it but this job has me tied…”, or “I wish I had it now, maybe when the kids are out of college…”, or how’s this sound “my spouse/partner won’t let me do my thing without some argument, or attitude.” Sound familiar? How about this voice: “I could never do that”, “oh freedom is a nice idea but I…”, “I wish I had the money” (substitute any other word you can think of for money). You get the picture. Freedom is an elusive, slippery concept that we find little support for both externally and internally. I like the internal part because most of you reading this blog hopefully aren’t faced with a political environment that restricts your physical freedom.

So you ask, what does internal freedom feel like? What sensations does it bring on? How does it affect the way we live? Let’s assume for a moment dear readers, that you are budding masters of you own attention and that you can slow down the internal dialogue far enough to get fairly present with what’s going on in front of you, i.e. your immediate life experience. This is the cornerstone of internal freedom – slowing things down enough to begin to see the spaces between thoughts, to see the brief moment we all have to choose between automatically reacting to life and responding with awareness to life. With that foundation of responding to life in place we can begin to build on the feeling that begins to infuse our body. I liken it to being on two wheels.

Since I was about Bodhi’s age I’ve been drawn to wheeled objects - tricycles, mini bikes, dirt bikes, mountain bikes, road bikes, motorcycles, and eventually even faster motorcycles. The thing I love is the sensation I get from being balanced, totally focused (the penalty is harsh for not paying attention), and completely in the moment. There is nothing else that I do that gives me the same feeling (well maybe one other thing). I remember my Tibetan guru telling me I was wasting my time racing mountain bikes back in the late 1980’s. He thought as a seeker and grown man I was better off sitting on my mediation cushion than sitting on my bike seat. I tried to explain to him that I was in a state of bliss and expansion when I rode – that place of non-conception that the Buddhists strive for. He never got that. It is an experience that I got more of on the seat of a bicycle or motorcycle than on a lovely cushion in front of an altar. Not that I didn’t have some wonderful insights on that cushion, it’s just the overwhelming feeling from riding was somehow more impact-full. My mind, body, and two wheeled friend were one unit in perfect harmony. My mind was processing the terrain in front of me. I wasn’t reminiscing about the past or projecting into the future – just totally present. Isn’t that the goal? Speaking of impact, maybe my guru in his infinite wisdom and with all his admonitions not to ride knew something I didn’t; that one day I would ride myself off a 35 foot cliff on my mountain bike. That however is another story for another blog (Near Death Experiences - hummm).

So the feelings I experienced when riding were similar to an experience I had years ago when I first met don Miguel Ruiz. An invitation was made by Miguel to those in attendance at the seminar he was teaching. What if we were totally free to live our lives however we decided? Not how society, or our family, or our friends, or our mind or program decided. But truly how we decided in every moment. What if we lived in a state of complete Love? During this seminar it was as if someone distilled the feelings I got from being on two wheels and put them in my feet and then that sensation spread from my feet throughout the rest of my body. For one whole day I was transformed, seeing and feeling like I had never before. It was a brief experience but one that totally shifted my point of view. From that time on I have been perfecting the art of being free. The feelings in me that freedom supports are: love, acceptance, balance, kindness, lightheartedness, humor and openness. The sensations that freedom brings on are: warm, calm, light, tingly, and a humming vibration. I finally made this connection without being on two wheels. So don’t everybody run out and buy a bicycle or motorcycle, ok?

So what’s the result? How does all that play out in our daily lives? What’s the payoff for this personal freedom thing? For me it has resulted in being in the relationship of my dreams, having two sons I adore, being successful at whatever I choose to focus on, not believing my old story lines that limit me as an expression of life, being more present in each moment, and feeling so good inside simply as an expression of my personal freedom.

Oh yeah, and riding that new motorcycle when I choose to experience the visceral outward form of what I’m feeling inside. A beautiful thing being human isn’t it? We get the opportunity to have a pas-de-deux between mind and body, with Life providing the background music.

See ya out there on the road.

In Love, Light, and Awareness,

J

Midlife Crises

2008-04-10T07:12:00.000-04:00

“the opposite of crisis is called mental development (development of consciousness).”
(found on Google searching for the opposite of the word “crisis”)

This morning I woke up thinking about the phrase “midlife crisis”. Why is it that when we turn a certain age and then we do something deemed impulsive and “out of character” it’s assumed that “he’s just having a midlife crisis.”

You see I just turned 50 years old. Or maybe I just turned 50 years young. Depends on your point of view. I also just purchased a motorcycle. Definitely impulsive and irrational to the uninformed observer even though I’ve been riding motorcycles since I was 12 (smaller versions since I was 2) and have been dreaming of owning one again since my last motorcycle that I sold to pay for my son Nick’s mid-wife. That was 1990.

Wikipedia has a wonderful wealth of information about mid life crisis’s. “Midlife crisis is a term used to describe a period of dramatic self-doubt that is typically felt in the "middle years" of life, as people sense the passing of youth and the imminence of old age.” Also: “The result may be a desire to make significant changes in core aspects of day to day life or situation, such as in career, marriage, or romantic relationships.”

What if in fact it wasn’t a crisis at all this passage of time called getting older? What if it was a celebration? What if we actually enjoyed the awareness that comes with the natural aging process? What if instead of searching for our “lost youth” we actually embraced this beautiful phase of our life? I see this process at play all around me – in nature mostly, but also often in the “older” generation I come in contact with. The inherent beauty in Life is what I’m talking about. It’s a process this birth to death journey and I’m seeing the magic in each phase. It’s in my 11 month old son Bodhi learning so many new things for the first time. It’s in my 82 year old mother so filled with an ageless joy as she plays with her newest grandchild. It’s in me as I cross the 50 yard line of my life full of gratitude for all that I have experienced so far.

Again from Wikipedia: “Researchers have found that midlife is often a time for reflection and reassessment, but this is not always accompanied by the psychological upheaval popularly associated with "midlife crisis".

What if instead of finding oneself in crisis it was actually a time for a shift in consciousness? What if we had this great explosion of awareness as we see the organic process of being born, aging and then returning to the infinite from where we originated? What if in each moment we embraced the idea that life isn’t measured in days or months or years? What if we acknowledged that time is something we humans invented and that there is another way to mark the transit of one’s life?
What if by being present in each moment we were no longer bound by the concept of time? What if we made choices based in our awareness that what is happening to us is as natural as the changing of the seasons? What if those choices were made from that place of wonder and innocence of really knowing we are a mystery exactly like life and age is really just ageless.

Ok back to the motorcycle thing. I wanted to celebrate my living on this planet for 50 years. In a very small symbolic way the motorcycle represents a milestone and a simple way for me to express joy and freedom. Besides it’s pretty sexy too…

Freedom, huh? That’s my next blog. Until then keep the rubber side down.

In Love, Light, and Awareness,

J

KIckin'

2007-01-24T17:47:00.000-05:00

This morning I was lying in bed waiting for my alarm to ring and slid closer to my beloved and put my hand on her belly. She happens to be six months pregnant. Suddenly I felt the baby kick my hand. I felt this unbelieveable connection to that being inside her womb, to life, to the process of being born.

What a sweet dream. I will once again be a father. Once again given the opportunity to assist another human being on their journey to becoming.

Welcome home. Nice to meet you.